Adoption Myth IV: You Must Foster First

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston, MS/CCC-SLP

My friend who fosters children told me that it upsets her when people say that they cannot understand how she can foster. These people say their hearts would be broken if they had to return a child after loving him or her. They claim that could not withstand the pain. My friend confided that when she hears that, it makes her feel like people think her heart is unbreakable.

In fact, my friend has a big, kind, and loving heart; a heart that breaks a little each time a child she has fostered moves on. However, her heart also grows each time she meets and loves a child. She has the honor of getting to know, getting to love, and getting to nurture a great many children. While it does hurt her heart each time they leave, she is consoled and strengthened to know they are leaving to be reunited or matched with a forever family. My friend finds fostering to be rewarding not an exercise in torture.

Her heart is not stronger than any other heart. Instead of a heart of steel, she has the gift of perspective. She understands the true purpose of fostering. She cherishes each child. She feels honored to care for them. These children grow her heart more than they break it.

I understand this now. I did not understand this then. When my husband and I decided to adopt from the foster care system we were quite certain that we did not want to be foster parents. I knew from my work experiences with foster families that the adoption judges and social workers work diligently to help biological families reunify with their biological children. Biological parents are given many opportunities to improve their lives so that they can raise their children.

Some Steps to Reunification:

1.    Drug and alcohol rehabilitation

2.    Parenting classes

3.    Steady or permanent employment

4.    Basic home care skills like cooking and cleaning

5.    Pursuit of a GED

6.    Supervised visitation

Changing a child’s goal from reunification to adoption is the very last resort. I knew that when fostering, you could foster a child for years and believe, hope, and pray that that child would be deemed your forever child only to watch that child leave your home for reunification.

The uncertainty was more than my husband and I could handle. We had just suffered through infertility and all the heartache that provided. The thought of falling in love with a foster child only to give him or her back was more than my mind and heart could bear at that time. It does not mean that foster families have hearts of stone; it just means that they have a healthy perspective and purpose. I knew my already fragile psyche could not withstand more disappointment.

Fortunately, we learned that we could adopt through foster care without actually fostering.  Because children are often fostered by people who just want to foster and not adopt, many children can be placed with want-to-be parents after termination of parental rights. These foster children, after much work by the social workers and judges, are legally emancipated from their biological parents once it has been determined that the birth parents cannot raise their children in safe and stable home environments.

Once parental rights are terminated, the child is free to be adopted. That was the situation that my husband and I sought and found, twice. We went through the same process as foster parents meeting all the requirements from clearances to CPR/First Aid certification to parenting classes, but we never truly fostered. Instead, we were chosen by the social workers and then an adoption placement board to adopt a legally free child. This child was place in our care for the standard of a minimum of six months before the actual adoption took place.

Before we accepted the child into our home we were able to see a photograph and read a comprehensive report about the child. The report included information about her birth parents and her medical history. Since both of our children were infants, the information was somewhat limited.

The purpose of the sharing of background information

1.    To help make an informed decision of whether or not adoptive parents want to become that child’s parents.

2.    Provide insights and information on developmental delays

3.    Provide insights and information on mental health issues

4.    Provide medical information

5.    Provide information about the birth parents for insight and information on genetic components that might play a role in the child’s future health and educational development.

Of course, no one can ever truly predict how a child will grow and develop. Every child has a unique personality. Some children are stronger than others and will overcome even the most challenging experiences or work through the most debilitating illness while others will submit and succumb. We must consider the roles of nature and nurture. The nature of a child may lie the groundwork, but a child’s life experiences can supersede what seemed to be written in the cards.

Saying that all children need is love is a bit simplistic and very hopeful. Yes children need love but they also need attention, patience, room to grow, a chance to make mistakes, a chance to take risks, a chance to succeed, a chance to lose. Children need opportunities big or small. They need guidance and boundaries. They need rules and schedules. They need encouragement to be creative and unique. Being a parent is so very hard and it is fraught with doubts, guilt, judgements, and second guessing. Love is the most important element because it makes all those other things possible, but it cannot stand alone.

A Great Book to Read

Many want-to-be parents shy away from the foster-adopt system because they are afraid of either a broken heart or adopting a child with complex needs. My hope is that if you want to adopt you will seriously consider this as a viable option. Read more books, talk to more people, and ask more questions. There are over 1000,000 children who are legally freed and waiting to be adopted. Your future child might be one of those waiting children.

Helpful Resources for Foster-Adoption

National Foster Care & Adoption Directory Search

State adoption and foster care information

National Foster Parent Association

Adoption Myth III: "Race Doesn't Matter"

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

            
The next adoption myth I want to bust is a controversial and complicated one. It is so complicated that I can’t even find an adequate way to summarize into a title except to say it has to do with the misguided belief that when adopting, race doesn't matter.

Adopting transracially is a topic that needs to be talked about, debated, and taken seriously. How can we do that without ruffling feathers and possibly, though unintentionally, offending many?

I am not an expert on the issues and concerns regarding race in America. Yes, I have my experiences, my insights, and my opinions, but that does not give me free reign to talk in-depth about it. There are plenty of resources from experts that you can read to find a way to understand the pros and cons of transracial adoption.

Books on Transracial Adoption

Educating myself and being realistic about my role as a parent who planned to welcome and love a child of a different race or ethnicity into my family was a commitment I took seriously. I understood that bringing a child into a predominantly white community and extended family would be difficult on many levels. I wanted to be sure I understood all aspects of the experience so I could support my child, my friends, and my family.

Why Race Matters


Despite my efforts at self-education, none of my reading prepared me for what happened when we brought our second child home. My first daughter, M.E. begged us to provide her with “a little sister.” My husband and I debated on whether expanding our family was what we wanted. After much discussion and soul searching we decided to approach the same agency that matched us with our first child to see if they could help us grow our family.

Without going into detail about the arduous and painful process, eventually we were matched with another baby girl. I met her long before she was officially placed with us (another long story) and I fell in love with her instantly. Her flawless skin was the color of light brown sugar, her eyes were dark and filled with love, and her head was topped with soft brown curls. In short, she was perfectly beautiful.

My husband and I are descended from Mediterranean ancestry so we have olive skin, brown eyes, and dark hair. My hair is frizzy and when the weather is just right it is curly. Our first daughter, M.E., has porcelain skin dotted with freckles, bright blue eyes, and thick, wavy hair that vacillates between dirty blond, strawberry blond, and light brown (yes she has perfect hair, the brat). When M.J. came into our lives M.E. was three and a half and very articulate. At about this time she started reading and she knew more about life than any three year old should.

We had fulfilled M.E.’s wishes and provided her with a baby sister just as she had ordered so we were quite surprised when after a few months of living with her new sibling, M.E. had nothing nice to say. Of course we expected a bit of regret on her part as the attention an infant requires took away from the attention M.E. received as an only child. No, her complaints were deeper than basic sibling rivalry.

One day she looked at me with sad, tear filled eyes and proclaimed “nobody’s the same as me anymore.” At first I was perplexed and then I realized what she was seeing. It was the middle of summer so my husband and I were tanned. My hair was curlier than usual thanks to the humidity of July in the mid-west. 

What M.E. saw was three people who looked alike and then herself with her pale skin (thanks to the vats of sunscreen we spread on her), her light hair, and her blue eyes. The rest of her family had dark skin and dark eyes. We looked more like the new baby, M. J., than we looked like her.

I was heartbroken by this. I never wanted my children to feel different. I just want them to feel loved and safe and wanted. This was a shock! I never imagined that my child who was not the minority would have feelings of inadequacy. I was and am prepared to support my child who is black with the world she has to live in everyday, but who would have thought that my white child would have doubts too.

In response to what M.E. expressed, I took her words and wrote a piece to acknowledge her feelings in hopes that it would help her understand that she and M.J. are loved equally regardless of how they look and that all people should feel the same. Enjoy:

Nobody’s the Same As Me

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston, MS/CCC-SLP

My name is Madeline and I am four.

Nobody’s the same as me anymore.

I have a new sister, she is smaller than me.

We brought her home when I was just three.

Her hair is soft and curly. Mine is silky and smooth.

Her eyes are deep, dark, brown. Mine are just plain blue.

They all say my eyes are big and bright.

All I see is that they are not right.

Her skin’s brown. Mine’s white as can be.

Nobody’s the same as me.

Being different makes me want to cry.

Mommy and daddy wonder why.

I am so sad I cannot even play.

Mommy and daddy don’t know what to say.

They think and think of what to tell me.

All I wish is that I was still three.

Nobody’s the same as me.

Then all of the sudden I realize,

We all have two legs, arms, and eyes.

We all like to play, run, and walk.

We all like to sing, read, and talk.

We all have so many things in common.

So many that we can’t even count ‘em.

Mommy and daddy stop and think for a while,

Then look down at me with a big, big smile.

They tell me with soft loving words.

They love me for me, that I am superb.

They love my silky hair, blue eyes, and soft skin.

They make me feel special, I’m their Madeline.

Nobody’s the same as me anymore.

And I couldn’t be happier to be ME at four.

Eventually M.E. fell in love with M.J. and now they treat each other like true siblings, ones who argue over every little thing but protect each other from any perceived injustice. They are family to the core, we all are.

6 Rules and 6 Reasons for Using Choices When Parenting

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston, MS/CCC-SLP

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe
Catch a tiger by the toe
If he hollers let him go,
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe
My mother told me
To pick the very best one
And you are [not] it.

As a child, that popular rhyme was how I made “important” choices like who would go first, which boy I liked, or which color jelly bean to eat. Fast forward many years of living and learning later, I now appreciate the complicated process of making good choices. It goes way beyond simple chance eliminations. 

            I realize now that learning to make good choices and understanding of the consequences of making a bad choices would have served me well, especially in my adolescence. When my kids came into my life, I added to my college education with some basic self-help reading. I am sure glad I did! Simple chance led me to a wonderful audio book at our local library. The priceless information within it helped me to navigate the mind and temperament of my toddler.

Parenting with Love & Logic

The wisdom I found between the pages (well really more like between the pauses as the narrator read to me) of this book changed my life. I took the best parts of the authors’ advice and applied it to my work and my home lives. I worked with toddlers at the same time I raised one. I desperately needed to figure out how to modify toddler behavior to make it possible for them to learn and exist without being in a perpetual state of tantrumming. 

            My mom raised me in the era of “a child should be seen and not heard.” Though my mom was not so strict, she never really asked me what I wanted until I grew up. She picked out my clothes, made me eat what she cooked, and decided my hairstyles. She never considered giving me a choice.

When I started using choices, many older people gave me a piece of their mind making sure I knew I was a bad parent for even considering what my child wanted. Of course, they were the same ones who chased me around the grocery store telling me to dress my daughter in warmer clothes.

Because I too had the parenting mindset of “what I say goes,” the idea of choices made me uncomfortable. After reading Parenting with Love & Logic, I found myself in a daily screaming match with my toddler. While I brushed her hair she thrashed and cried and ran away. After trying to reason with her and then fruitlessly demanding compliance, I took a breath and recalled the concept of the choice.

 I grabbed a comb and held it my left hand and in my right hand I held a brush. Then, I got down to my daughters level, and with exaggerated and fake patience, I asked sweetly, “Do you want mommy to comb your hair or brush your hair.” The question was not, “Do you want me to brush your hair?” The yes/no question does not provide a choice it just provides an escape. The choice gave her a voice in deciding how it would be done not if it was done.

            In that moment everything changed. She stopped yelling, crying, and escaping. She reached to the brush and then sat calmly as I wrestled the tangles from her tender head of fine hair. Using choices with toddlers works on the idea that the average two-year old wants to be in charge. Heck, they've lived for two whole years. In their minds, they have this living thing down pat. They don’t need us anymore. As soon as we step in and do that parenting thing, they freak out because they want to be the boss. Please understand, this is developmentally appropriate behavior. They are not being naughty they are just being two.

6 Rules of Using Choices

             Even though this is a stage of healthy child development, it does not mean that parents give the tot the control he desires. That would be insane. The choice approach gives parents the option to narrow down the decision to two parent approved things. The act of presenting a choice tricks the toddler into thinking she's in control. It is a beautiful thing. The keys to offering a good choice are:

1.    Only offer two things. More than two can be overwhelming especially for little ones.

2.    Only offer things that you are willing to allow when chosen. Don’t offer a cookie or an apple when you want them to eat fruit. Offer two fruits instead.

3.    Have props whenever possible. Show and say. This will help build speech and language.

          4.    Accept a reach, look, point, or verbal response.

          5.    Remove the unchosen item immediately so your child does not have time to                       change her mind. Give her what she chose no matter what.          
          6. Use choices as much as possible. Be creative and have fun with it.

Choices not only help to keep the peace with toddlers who want to rule the roost, but it has many other long-term effects. Of course, reading the book is the best way to learn about how choices will revolutionize your parenting, but I will list some of the ways choices can and will help you.

6 Reasons for Offering Choices

1.   Offering choices reduces tantrums (yours and theirs).

2.    Offering choices teaches about making poor choices. This will carry over into all stages of childhood. Children will learn the natural consequences of poor choices starting with choosing milk when they really wanted juice to not wearing a coat on a cold day to deciding whether to accept a friend’s offer of a cigarette. Hopefully, understanding consequences of choices will reduce the number of poor choices made as your child gets older and the choices get more complex.

3.    Offering choices teaches new words and concepts expanding a child’s vocabulary.

4.    Offering choices allows the child a voice in a conversation that a simple yes/no question would not.

5.    Offering choices provides speech models so a child can learn to say words by imitation.

6.    Offering choices makes you a better parent as you begin to learn about the things your child prefers.

         

          Of course this list is not exhaustive. For many, giving a child, especially a young child, a choice might seem like permissive parenting. If done with thought and planning using choices is anything but permissive. Rather, it is thoughtful, intelligent parenting that allows your child to learn so much about life. Trust me you will not regret it. Give it a try.

Celebrate Adoption Days

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston, MS/CCC-SLP

The other day I met a family who was preparing to finalize the adoption of the beautiful two year old boy who they had been fostering since he was born. Out of curiosity I inquired as to whether or not they were going to tell him he was adopted. Their response was, “Eventually. First we want him to get a little older before we start talking to him about that.”

That made me a little sad for this boy. Of course I kept my opinions to myself because I was not there to judge that family. I recognize that everybody sees the world differently and approaches tough situations with a different set of morals and ideas than I. Even though I disagreed and I decided to try and respect their decision, the truth is I secretly hoped they will change their minds.

Why I Hope They Change Their Minds

If you have read my other blogs you know that I believe honesty is the best policy when it comes to raising children. I believe this whether the child you raise is your birth child or not. Of course the truth has to be modified so it is developmentally appropriate for your child. We need to be aware of what our child can handle emotionally and intellectually before we give him or her too much truth.

My fondness for the truth is not the only reason to tell a child they are adopted. Telling children they are adopted gives you all cause to celebrate! Who doesn’t like a party? When I first brought M.E. home my sister asked if we would celebrate her birthday or her adoption day. My response was an exuberant, “Both!”

With the addition of M.J. to our little family, we have two adoption days to celebrate. I want our daughters to know that we find their adoption day as important and meaningful as they day they were born. In my eyes, entering our family is as momentous as entering the world.

I was not present on the day my girls were born. I did not get to hold them close as they experienced their first breaths and wailed their first cries. However, I did get to be there on that day when the judge decreed them as our “forever” children. That important day deserves recognition and celebration.

Initially, we celebrated adoption day quietly with a small gift and a sweet treat. As the years passed by, I realized the day needed a bit more merriment. I also decided that we needed to celebrate it as a special day for the family, not just for the daughter in question. Our family festivities include a special dinner, a gift, and a rousing rendition of “Happy Adoption Day to Us” as we blow out the appropriate number of candles on a cake.

Celebrating adoption day sends positive messages to our daughters, our family, and our friends. We are able to share the joy we feel each year as we remember that day. By letting everyone know how happy and proud we are, we help to peel away any feelings of shame or fear or secrecy that some still hold about adoption.

When to Tell Your Child About Adoption

I think we have come a long way with the need to keep adoption hidden as if it is sad or unspeakable. I recall as a middle schooler learning of a classmate who was adopted. Her parents never told her. Her siblings knew and somehow I knew, but she did not. My heart broke for her. Even as a young girl in sixth grade I understood that hiding adoption can do no good. Eventually, this girl found out that she had been adopted and she was heartbroken. I think the fact that she was lied to combined with the knowledge that others knew before her made it harder for her to accept it and forgive her parents.

Tell Me Again About the Night I was Born

I want my girls to celebrate both the day they were born and the day they were adopted. They are equally important. We even have a small celebration on their coming home day. Some call that the “Gotcha Day.” 

Gotcha Day

Unfortunately only a few family members take the time to remember the importance of the adoption day. I know it is a new and possibly uncomfortable concept, but we need to celebrate it with gusto.

Go-By-Goat

I wrote a children’s book,  Go by Goat, that revolves around a very special day. At the end of the story the day is revealed to be the Adoption Day of the main character not her birthday as most expect. I hope we can come to a place where everyone at least tries to understand that Adoption Days are important days. A forever family is made on those days. The dreams of usually long suffering parents are met and a child is given a family who will love them and care for them for the rest of time. There is never shame in that.

Adoption Myth II: Open Adoptions are the Best

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston, MS/CCC-SLP

Shock and awe are two words that describe how I feel at this moment as I ponder the reality that the fourteenth adoption day of our first daughter is right around the corner. I can remember bringing her home as a three month old baby and falling in love with her instantaneously. I also remember waiting nine long months for the judge to decree that she was our “forever child who you are to love and nurture as if she was your own.”

                                       

Those nine months, while wonderful, were tainted with an undercurrent of doubt and fear. Before that adoption certificate was signed, I could not help but wonder if things would go very wrong. I awaited some mythical court appointed agent to barge into our home and take our baby, but all that worry was for not. My husband and I had our day in court with our baby and we were deemed M.E.’s legal parents even though by then she was ours in our hearts.

When I brought our baby home, it never occurred to me to not tell her she was adopted. She came to us with a photo album of pictures that documented her history thus far. It is called a life book. The photos within those cheap vinyl covers were of her in the arms of her birth parents as well as pictures from her time with her foster family. Telling M.E. from day one that she was adopted just felt natural and honest.

Life Book Ideas

https://www.pinterest.com/heartofadoption/life-book-ideas/

http://www.fosteringperspectives.org/fpv17n2/lifebooks.html

I told everyone we knew that we were adopting our daughter. Why would I hide it from her? It made no sense. From the beginning being forthright about the circumstances of her adoption including talking to her about her birth parents and foster family was nonnegotiable. I believed M.E. deserved to know her whole story.

I felt she not only deserved to be loved by us, but to know she was loved by many. I believed that telling her that her early life was filled with people who cared for her and tried to make her life the best it could be was essential to building and maintaining her self-esteem.

Though I was all for telling M.E. her true life story, I was not so keen on involving her birth parents in a more hands-on or personal way. The nature of our adoption, one from the foster care system, deemed it a closed adoption. I was not permitted to know the surnames of her birth parents or any information that would help us locate and contact them. They were given limited information on us.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1511599499/ref=rdr_ext_tmb

This helped me sleep better and night. Though I am certain open adoption works fine in other situations, for me the idea of M.E.’s birth parents being part of her life made me physically ill. I am human and I have fears and doubts. I worry about my child’s well-being every day.

I believed that allowing her birth parents to play a role in her childhood and early adolescence would make life too confusing. I imagined it would make an already emotionally charged situation more, well, emotional. The training and education that I embarked on prior to and after the adoption process taught me a lot about the emotional state of children who have been adopted. As I got to know M.E. and supported her in her journey to becoming part of our family, I realized that she was very fragile. She needed consistency and security.

With my husband, I decided that the best way to help M.E. grow up to be a well-adjusted and an emotionally secure adult would be to be honest and forthright about her birth parents and foster parents. However, we limited the information she received to photographs and answers to her questions. Some refer to this as a “semi-open adoption.” This has proven to be the best route for us.

While I do not encourage M.E. to reach out to her birth parents, I do welcome contact with them and her foster parents. I have, through the anonymous channels provided by the agency, written to her birth mother. For several years we exchanged letters and photographs. The purpose was to:

1) Gain information and insight on the type of person M.E. might grow up to be.
2) Help her birth mother heal (her birth father never contacted us).
3) Learn of any pertinent medical history.
4) Potentially ease any of M.E.’s future questions or concerns

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1936840901/ref=rdr_ext_tmb

Eventually, the letter writing faded away. I respected her birth mother’s quiet disappearance and have kept all of her letters which I will share with M.E. once she is mature enough and wants to see them.

I also believe that keeping in touch with her foster parents is very important. I believe they deserve to know how the little baby they stayed up at night with, nurtured, and loved unconditionally in her earliest days is doing. I know that M.E. appreciates this even if her adolescent mind keeps her from expressing it directly.

I feel that my husband and I have struck a wonderful balance of truth and knowledge. By keeping out actual visitation and regular contact by her birth parents, M.E. is able to grow and thrive during her formative years knowing she is loved by many, but she has a stable environment with just one family and one set of parents.

In the future, M.E. will have all of my help and support to find her birth parents if that is what she chooses. I know my heart will break a bit, but it is not about me. It is always and forever about her.

So the truth of this myth that open adoption is the best way to go boils down to is this, for my husband and me open adoption was not a good fit. Each adoptive parent and family has to make that deeply personal decision. My only hope is that you spend much time researching the effects of all types of adoption:

1) open
2) semi-open

3) semi-closed

4) closed

Once you have all the information, you must do what is best for you. You must not allow the opinions of others to push you into making a choice that does not feel right in your heart. Always follow your heart. If you do, your family will be healthier and happier in the end.