Food and Family: My Two Great Loves

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

Food and my family are two things that I love equally and fiercely. When my family was finally completed, I had time to reflect on how we came together. My passion for cooking and all things edible caused me to create our story with imagery from the kitchen.

When we decided to adopt, we knew that only fate and destiny would determine who our children would be. Their personalities, their temperaments, their innate talents, and their looks, we had no control over. The only thing we could control was our willingness to accept and love whomever we were sent.

We were truly blessed with two amazing girls who challenge and test us, who we love and cherish, who make us laugh and cry, who complete us. Please enjoy the story (or is it a poem) below which travels from infertility, to waiting, to getting to know our little girls inside and out.

The Recipe of You TwoBy:  Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

Cooking up the notion of having a family caused a great commotion in the kitchen of our lives. We mixed and stirred, baked and steamed; added a pinch of this and a cup of that. We waited and watched then tried another batch.

Waiting as our love rose and fell with each passing day. Waiting for the perfect recipe of you two to fill our hungry lives.

Then suddenly without much warning, to our great delight, one day and then another, the recipe came to life, twice. Ready-made and perfect the ingredients mixed and filled our lives just right.

One girl, milky white vanilla ice cream covered with chocolate sprinkled freckles.
One girl, coffee with cream smooth and silky as mousse.

The first with a head of soft golden corn silk filled with every kind of knowing and a fragile candy heart.The second, topped with soft and springy brown fusilli tossed with peppery fun and music into a chocolate fluff.

Two sets of eyes, one pair bright blueberries the other chocolate truffles. All watch, see, and learn.

Cheeks rosy as berries glow with life’s surprises. Mouthfuls of Chicklets commenting, laughing, singing, sighing.

Lips, licorice red, tell the truth unguarded with laughter, words, and cries.Two pots of jelly bellies, jiggly and giggly; full of life.

Four armfuls of hugs.  Four heaping handfuls of love.Two legs and pairs of feet dancing, stomping on the grapes of life.

Fold together all ingredients gently with a mother and a father.  Whisk in the spice of life to create two bubbly, delectable daughters both spicy and sweet.

Yummy, saucy, tasty; too good to ever eat.

Click Here to Find Your Forever Child

Adoption Myth VI: “You’ll have a Healthier Body if You Adopt”

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

After my second daughter came home, my husband ran into a neighbor who congratulated us on our new baby. She followed this up with a comment on how good I looked for just having a baby. When Jim told her we adopted, she insisted that I must have given birth.

I saw this neighbor everyday as I passed her house on my daily walk. I was perplexed as to how she could think I had given birth to our six month old baby until I took a good look at myself. I realized that my belly had grown immensely with my stress eating. It looked as if I had just had a baby and was getting ready to have another one soon.

Stages of a Belly in Pregnancy

Once adoption became a reality, I relished in the fact that I would not have to experience all the discomforts and illnesses that pregnancy brings to so many expectant moms. Boy was I wrong! Of course every pregnant woman knows to expect an array of possible health related issues that she may or may not encounter as she grows a baby in her womb. These might include:

1. Nausea
2. Backpain
3. Fatigue
4. High blood pressure
5. Gestational diabetes
6. Hemorrhoids
7. Incontinence
8. Heartburn
9. Stretch marks

The list goes on to include even more serious conditions that could disappear after giving birth, or become a lifetime battle. However, nobody really prepares the adoptive mother for the fact that she too can and will experience health issues.

With the adoption process came overwhelming stress. The amount of stress cannot be quantified or even aptly described. At times I felt like I was drowning in stress. There are so many reasons why adoption is stressful. Just a few include:

1.    Uncertainty of being matched.

      2.    Loss of control over your life.

      3.    Questioning of your self-worth.

      4.    Worrying about completing the adoption process.

      5.    Second guessing your decision to adopt.

      6.    Worrying about finances.

      7.    High expectations of the adoption.

      8.    Excitement and anticipation of meeting your baby.

      9.    Mourning the idea of having a biological baby.

      10.  Believing the myths perpetuated by the media.

A pregnant woman knows with fair certainty of what to expect, when to expect it, and how to prepare. Parenthood through adoption does not come with that type of predictability. Yes, things can go awry with pregnancy, but the average pregnancy has a charted course with which we are all familiar. Adoption is a wild ride and never the same twice.

A Great Resource

The stress associated with the adoption of my first daughter went more unnoticed because it was fast and exciting. The stress associated with the adoption of my second daughter was intense. The agency we worked with, though not intentionally, put us through the ringer with false promises and misleading information. It was torturous.

In fact, my husband and I had decided that the waiting and uncertainty was more than we could handle after nearly a year of being teased. One night we made a pact; if the adoption agency did not call within forty eight hours with a match we would walk away and be a one child family. They called twelve hours later with the news that we would be considered for another baby.

By the time our baby came home, I was already overwhelmed with stress. The special challenges she brought with her put me over the top. My mild sleep disorder evolved into debilitating insomnia. My general feeling of nausea exacerbated and hospitalized me. I became fully gluten intolerant. My fluctuating weight from stress eating caused stretch marks. Carrying a six month old baby without the benefit of gradually becoming stronger as the baby grew, first in my womb and then in my arms, caused muscle strains and back pain. Before I knew it my list of ailments grew and looked very similar to the list of health concerns of the average pregnant woman

I will never claim to know what a woman feels and experiences as she goes through all the stages of pregnancy. I will never forget how my well-meaning neighbor inadvertently reminded me of my need to take better care of myself. I will never claim that the stress related health issues diminish with time. In fact, my lovely second daughter reminded me of this when she, now eleven, asked me if I was pregnant. Ugh, I see salads and Pilates in my future. 

Going Gluten Free: Salad is a Sad Substitution

by: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

Warning: Contains minimal mild bathroom talk

Smelling fresh baked bread is the single greatest torture of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I love bread. I adore It. I crave nothing more than the steaming hot crispy crusted doughy yeasty yummiest that is fresh bread. When it is slathered with fresh creamery butter, nothing is more enticing and delectable.

I grew up in a family with roots firmly set in Italy. Our two main food groups were bread and pasta. I ate bread and pasta daily, and I was happy. For years I worked in a bakery where I added a third food group to my diet, cake. However, my most favorite food is pie. Fruit pie, pot pie, cream pie, nut pie, you name it I love pie.

Then, one morning ten years ago, I awoke to the most horrific piercing pain. The pain brought me to my knees where I stayed clutching my gut as I crawled into the car and headed to the hospital scared and unsure. 

In retrospect, my illness was a slow progression that started when I was just a baby when I could not tolerate milk or corn. As a young child, I had weird skin conditions like chicken skin on my arms and mysterious dry patches. Later, I recall eating pasta and then days later it would feel as if it still sat in my stomach like a hard lump of undigested cement. 


Some of my other symptoms included:

1. nausea,
2. abdominal pain, sometimes intense
3. brain fog
4. extreme moodiness
5. general loss of appetite.
6. hard stools causing: a) diverticulitis & b) hemorrhoids
7.      infertility

Signs and Symptoms of Gluten Intolerance

The doctors performed test after test. Eventually, I was diagnosed with the ubiquitous IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). The treatment of increased fiber intake intensified my symptoms. When I told my doctor of my increased misery with my 35 grams of fiber intake as he prescribed, he called me a liar! Yes you read that correctly, my doctor basically told me pants were on fire and not because of my fictional IBS.

In the end, all those specialists and their fancy tests were of no help as gluten intolerance was not a viable medical diagnosis back then. Fortunately, I happened upon a short article in my husband’s favorite commode read, the Reader’s Digest. This article caused me to suspect that I could not tolerate gluten. I had just one question, “what the h#$$ was gluten?” So I did more research.

What is Gluten

My research taught me that before I could determine if gluten was the primary cause of my illness, I must rule out all food allergies . So, I went on a food elimination diet. For six miserable weeks I did not eat any foods that are commonly linked to allergic reactions.

Foods Associated with Allergies 

           1.       tree nuts

           2.       dairy/milk

           3.       soy

           4.       wheat

           5.       caffeine

           6.       alcohol

           7.       fish/shellfish

           8.       peanuts

           9.       FOD MAPS (can cause digestive distress not allergies)

That only left most fruits and veggies plus meat protein’s. After that long exercise in culinary torture, I was to add back just one food at a time and evaluate how it made me feel. Of course, I chose bread as my first addition.

I remember that first bite as my teeth pierced the crispy crust to find the chewy but airy center of a fresh baguette. It was heavenly. So I ate more. Then I had some spaghetti and meatballs with a side of garlic bread. Then I had a slice of hot, gooey apple pie. Never did these foods taste so good. Sadly, after about a day of eating gluten, the pain and misery returned. Though scrumptious, gluten was clearly not my body’s friend. Sadder I had never been.

It took me close to three years to figure out how to eat gluten free. The products on the market today did not exist in the early 2000’s. So my husband and I stopped buying and preparing most processed foods. We cooked only fresh whole foods. We became healthier together. Eventually all my symptoms disappeared and they only return when the temptation to nosh on fresh bread or just a “sliver” of pie overwhelms my common sense.

Friends and family still mock me occasionally because they believe I am following some fad diet. I laugh at the thought of ever giving up gluten unless my health depended on it. Gluten makes food delicious!  Gluten makes bread, bread!  Going out to restaurants, festivals and fairs, dinner at a friend’s house, or attending holiday meals with family means there is virtually nothing I can eat. All I can do is stare at the delicious dishes and silently whimper as I smell their enticing aromas and swallow back the drool of food lust as I munch on yet another salad.

For those of you who can still enjoy the pleasures of bread and delicious gluten in all its forms, be kind to us intolerant ones. We want gluten. We crave gluten. We miss gluten. We mourn our gluten. Be kind, and stop offering us salads!

Adoption Myth V: “I Will Never Survive a Failed Match”

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

This Myth builds from Myth IV which discussed the misconception that a perspective adopted family who chooses to adopt through the foster system must foster children first. As I said last week, there are over 100,000 emancipated children waiting for forever families.The chance that your child waits for you is high. All you have to do is find her.

Finding your child takes: 

• patience
• an open heart
• an open mind
• emotional strength
• the help of friends, family, strangers, and professionals
• hope and faith

My journey to parenthood was not a smooth one. Around the same time my husband and I discovered that starting a family the old fashioned way was out of the question, I met our future daughter. This little girl lived with a wonderful foster family who I grew to know and respect through work.

The five year old little girl they fostered, “B,” was vivacious, precocious, loving, funny, and kind. I fell in love at first sight. Because of her, I decided that adoption through the foster care system was what I needed to do. Immediately after I met her and learned that she would soon be legally emancipated and freed for adoption, I ran home and told my husband I had met our daughter. He agreed that we should do whatever it took to bring B home to complete our family.

We contacted the Children and Youth Services Agency (CYS) responsible for B’s case and quickly realized we needed to work fast because in a few short months they were choosing a family for B.

We did not have time to work solely with the CYS social workers so we hired a private adoption agency to complete our Home Study. With the help of the amazing team of social workers at CYS and at the private agency we got to work completing the mounds of required paper work. The information and steps required for completing a Home Study and being considered for adoption include but are not limited to:

1. Tracking down all your financial and medical records.
2. Taking classes to learn how to be a parent and how to cope with children with all   types of special needs.
3. CPR and First Aid classes.
4. Procuring criminal clearances including FBI fingerprinting and Child Abuse clearances.
5. Asking coworkers, friends, and family for letters of recommendation.
6. Creating a photo album of your family and home.
7. Creating a fire safety plan including  a map with fire escape routes.
8. Baby proofing.
9. Creating and decorating a separate space/room for the child to sleep.
10. Stocking up on toys, clothes, food, and toiletries for a child.
11. Completing in-depth questionnaire about all aspects of your life.

By the Fall we were ready. While we did all of this detailed work, I continued to bond with B. After a visit, I would run home and tell Jim every detail about her. I described her long blond hair and bright blue eyes. I told him how she climbed into my lap and hugged me. I told him the funny things she said and how sweet she was. He fell in love with her too even though he never met her.

                                                   

Much like a woman who is pregnant, I spent those months that we waited for B to arrive dreaming of our future life together. I dreamt of trips to the zoo where we hung out at the ape enclosure making funny faces at silly creatures, and then running with our noses pinched closed through the monkey house trying to escape the pungent odors. I pictured us running on a beach on a perfect Summer day giggling as errant waves unexpectedly crashed over our matching pink painted toes. I envisioned her after her bath with damp hair and warm skin that smelled like baby shampoo and lavender lotion snuggled in my arms as I read her bedtime stories until she fell away into sweet dreams. I planned our lives together right through her college graduation and wedding day.

For months the social workers helped us prepare. The foster parents told us over and over how my husband and I would be the perfect parents for B. They even advocated on our behalf with the social workers. We were nervous but confident that we would be selected as B’s forever family. Never did we think any other outcome was possible.

The day finally came. With racing hearts and sweaty palms we found ourselves sitting before the adoption selection board. The board, with the guidance of the social workers, chooses up to three families for each child to be considered as his or her adoptive parents. The board than interviews each family and reviews the all the paperwork and information about the child. After some debate, discussion, and voting, they match the child with his or her parents.

We sat before this board of five kind but serious faces and nervously answered their questions and shared our story. Before we knew it, we were done and sent home to await the call announcing their decision. In a fog of fear and hope, we drove the hour home and sat stiffly staring at one another willing the phone to ring. 

After an eternity it finally rang. I answered and listened intently as the social worker explained to me that the board really liked us. They thought we would make wonderful parents. They felt that someday they would be able to match us with a child. She said that B was matched with another family. 

My head started spinning and I suddenly got sweaty and weak. She went on to say that she hoped that Jim and I would “stick with” them. They had “plans” for us. If we could just “get past” this loss and keep coming to classes we would not regret it. All I heard was my heart breaking; splitting in two and crumbling into little shards that would never be used to love my precious B.

I fell into my husband and we cried. Then, the next heart breaking thing happened; we had to form the words to tell our families and friends who were anxiously waiting to hear our wonderful news. Knowing that you lost your child is one horrible thing but actually having to articulate it is another even more horrible thing.

The heartbreak took a toll and my husband and I. We felt lost and alone. We felt betrayed and disillusioned. We felt empty and angry. Each day was hard. Somehow, deep within in me I still had hope. I still believed that I would be a mom. I still knew that my child waited for me. I was not ready to give up. 

B turned out to be a guardian angel of sorts. Without my love for her and my quest to adopt her, I never would have met the girls who were meant to be my daughters.