Seriously! How a Catchword Can Get You Through a Day

By Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

Seriously, I need to stop saying seriously so much. When or why it started, I have no clue. The fact that I use it all day, every day is a fact.

Like most phrases and words we use, we never truly realize their existence until our children start saying it back at us. Many parents wonder why their child refuses to use the proper “yes” and instead speaks the informal “yeah” or worse, “uh-huh.” My response is, “That’s what they hear you say all day.” Inevitably, a glimmer of recognition crosses the parent’s face followed by remorse and embarrassment.

It is enlightening and disturbing, in equal parts, to recognize how annoying one’s speech patterns can be.

This four-syllable word, seriously, eeked its way into my vernacular and became my go-to-term for all types of situations. By simply adding a facial expression and altering my intonation, I can convey a range of emotions: Exasperation, gratitude, annoyance, frustration, humor, irony, anger, confusion, questioning, excitement, sadness and more.

Each time I use this word, I am able to convey a myriad of thoughts and opinions. I use it with my kids, my husband, strangers who can’t hear me, coworkers, actors on TV, people in the news, even my dogs aren’t immune to my seriously quips.

Serious Situations

A fellow highway driver slows while driving in front of me. I move to pass. They speed up. Seriously!

What I am thinking: Oh, game on fool!

My daughter doesn’t want to talk to me all day until I sit at the computer to write. Seriously?

What I am thinking: Shhh!  I can’t afford to lose my train of thought! I’m too old for this.

My dog can’t decide whether to lie down in the house or in the yard so she plops down on the door jamb and won’t move so I can shut the door. Seriously?

What I am thinking: In or out? In or out? Make-up your mind old dog. Of course, she can’t hear or see so it’s all futile.

I grab the box of cereal from the pantry shelf. It is empty. Seriously!

What I am thinking: The garbage can is right there! I suppose you expect me to toss it and write it on the grocery list.

People run the stop sign at my corner even when the school bus is picking up kids. Seriously!

What I am thinking: Stop you @#$%^&@! A**Hole! Where are the cops now?

I find the paper from my deskside garbage can scattered, ripped and torn all over the house. The dog looks guilty. Seriously!

What I am thinking: There wasn’t even any food in the can. What are you eating? Why do you hate me so?

I sit-down to turn on Netflix and it won’t connect. Seriously!

What I am thinking: Maybe my husband will hear my mini tantrum and come fix it for me. No? Oh well, I guess I’ll just play solitaire on my phone.

Every time the wind blows my little dog barks. Seriously!

What I am thinking: There must be a humane way to debark a dog. Right?

Watching the news. Every. Single. Day. Seriously?!

What I am thinking: This must be a dream. It can’t get any worse than this. Somebody is going to put a stop to the madness. What can I do? I’ve got to stop watching the news.

One of my books or articles gets published. Seriously!

What I am thinking: I never imagined in a million years that others would take time to read my words and even like what I have to say. Thank you.

The list of moments and situations that call for a proclaimed seriously are endless. No, I’m serious. This list could go on for pages and pages, but I’ll spare you.

I suppose there are worse words than seriously that could infuse my speech. Trying to navigate all the perplexities of life can leave most people speechless. Having a catchword, motto, slogan or saying is very handy even if it becomes a smidge annoying.

I say, own your colloquialisms! Embrace your utterances! Enunciate your idioms! They are what make you, you.

What is your go-to word or phrase?

Seriously? lyrics: Sara Baerilles Performed by: Leslie Odom Jr.

The Once Unwritten but Now Written Rules of Summertime Vacations

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

**I have broken some if not all of these rules at one time

Vacation time for many has arrived. Summer is the traditional time for families, couples and friends to gather in a place away from home and let go of all the obligations of home life.

Relaxation and becoming a free spirit are the goals. Exploring new places, trying new things and being a better you are the goals. For too man, this also means losing common sense, releasing all inhibitions, and becoming irresponsible. In short, many people morph into idiots.

To help you avoid the faux pas and jerk-like behavior that ruin vacations for the people you encounter and maybe even your own good time, I have compiled a list of Summertime Vacation Rules for you to consider.

Read signs and do what they say: Ignoring posted warnings is how children fall over cliffs and into animal pens. This is how rare flora gets trample and nature gets ruined. No snapshot is worth risking death or prison.

Wild Animals are cute but not tame: Don’t walk up to a Buffalo in Yellow Stone for a selfie, especially if they have a baby nearby. Seriously, don’t do it!

Tell people where you are going but not on social media: Post pics and highlights afterward unless your house sitter is a ninja warrior and can thwart all would be robbers and home invaders.

Don’t assume tour guides and hoteliers have common sense: They are not prepared for even the smallest emergency. The hotels with pools don’t own first aid kits. They don’t even have a stray Band-Aid laying around unless you want to fish the used one from the pool filter. Horseback riding companies and white-water rafting outfitters laugh at the notion of offering helmets and they let every nervous Nelly with cash participate in these dangerous sports.

Flip flops are not shoes: (see last weeks blog) Do not hike in them. They are useless on the beach.  They are only good for public showers and preventing foot fungus. If worn in the airport, you will have to walk barefoot through security. Disgusting! Remember the foot fungus? Gag

Hiking shoes should be sturdy: Wedges, pumps and flip flops are not recommended.

Ticks like warm moist places: Always do thorough checks. Seriously, be VERY thorough.

Wear sunscreen every day. Yes, the sun is still in the sky even on cloudy days, and no the clouds are not made of steel so the hot penetrating sunrays do get through and burn the crap out of your precious skin.

Carry bear spray, not food when hiking in Grizzly country: Give a shout out periodically to encourage all hungry bears, bobcats and coyotes to chase down the silent hikers deeper in the woods.

Don’t litter. Never Ever Ever!: Even throwing an orange peel in the woods is littering unless it is a forest of orange trees.

A vacation with kids is just doing the same thing as you do at home but in nicer place: Always chose the house or room with a view so you can admire it from the windows as you change diapers, prepare meals and wait for them to stop tantruming because they are exhausted, bored or overtired.

Plan down days: After all the disasters you have averted by following the rules, you’ll need a day for just chillaxin. It’s good to be bored.

Experience the place like the locals do: Try to get away from the tourist traps and meet locals. Give those small businesses your money, not just the national chains. I promise you won’t regret it. Plus, they will want you to come back as long as you don’t behave like a douche bag, spend money and tip your servers and bartenders!

Plan ahead: Then throw the plan in the trash and be spontaneous.

Take naps: Enough said

Turn off the news: There is no better feeling than being oblivious to the world for a few days. It can’t be considered a true vacation if you worry about all the stupid people in the world. Just work on not being one yourself.

There is no such thing as a “perfect vacation.” With a bit of common sense, common decency and realistic expectations, you can have pretty great one. If you follow my rules, your vacation will be a success and you can bring everyone home alive. Unless your plan was to encourage that least favorite cousin to “step just a little closer to the edge” of the cliff so you can get the perfect photo….

Vacation Motto:

Be safe. Be smart. Be kind. Be adventurous. Be bored.

Holiday Road by Lyndsay Buckingham

Flip Flop Flee from your Flimsy Footwear: Why Thonged Sandals Should be Avoided

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

The only thing flip flops are good for, decoration.

This is a public service announcement

Within the colorfully illustrated beloved children’s book, Chicka Chicka Boom Boom, lie warnings about flip flops:

Skit skat skoodle doot. Flip Flop flee
Everybody's running to the coconut tree.
Mamas and papas and uncles and aunts
hug their little dears and dust their pants.
“Help us up,” cried A B C.
Next from the pileup skinned-knee D
and stubbed toe E
and patched up F.
Then comes G all out of breath.
H is tangled up with I.
J and K are about to cry.
L is knotted like a tie.
M is looped.
N is stooped.
O is twisted alley-oop
Skit skat skoodle doot. Flip Flop flee
Look who’s coming! It’s black eyed P, Q R S, and loose tooth T.
Then U V W wiggle jiggle free.

One could argue that this story foretold the chaos and mass injuries caused by flip flops. Why haven’t we heeded authors Bill Martin Jr. and John Archambault's warnings? If we had, so many senseless injuries could’ve been avoided!

Thankfully for you, I’m here to help you break your dependency on that ubiquitous summer footwear item. I know they’re easy to wear. I get it, they’re inexpensive. I see all the cute styles and colors. So much about them is irresistible, but resist is what we must do!

If you like fungus on your feet, flip flops are the shoes for you.

If you like blisters and plantar fasciitis, flip flops are the shoes for you.

If you like broken or achy toes and ankles, flips are the shoes for you.

If you like to trip and fall, flip-flops are the shoes for you.

If you like to show people your skanky toenails and callused feet, flip flops are the shoes for you.

Yes, I own and wear flip flops, that is why I can speak so freely on this topic. I don my flip flops less frequently than many of my peers, neighbors, and family members

The Reasons I have Avoided Flip Flops

1. I am clumsy. Even my Sanku yoga matt sandals with the back strap cause me to trip up the steps and walk with a shortened and awkward stride.

2.  My bad back flares up each time I wear flip flops no matter how briefly.

3.  They make my legs ache and probably contributed to my varicose veins.

4.  My feet are not always in the best shape. I care about you too much to show you my dried-up gross tootsies. Please feel free to reciprocate this kindness.

5.  My tootsies are usually cold and I need more coverage for warmth.

For those of you who just can’t part from your flip flops, I worry deeply about your health and wellbeing. I worry about your safety and the safety of those around you. I urge you to consider parting with your flimsy footwear for your sake and the sake of the community.

"Flip Flops Cause 200,000 Injuries Annually"

According to a 2010 article in the Daily Mail, in the UK flip flops cause 200,000 injuries annually costing taxpayers 40 million of whatever form of money they use over there. Euros? With the US having an exponentially larger population it must cost us 400 million Euros. I mean dollars. 

To help you make an informed decision about your choice of footwear I have compiled a list of scenarios where wearing flip flops would be the most treacherous and imprudent.

Avoid Flip Flops When

Driving: These backless slivers of foam can easily slip off of your feet and jam under the gas pedal causing you to wreck into oblivious pedestrians who cannot run fast enough away from your careening, out of control vehicle because they too are wearing flip flops.

Hiking: While entertaining for onlookers, trying to traverse rocky, mountainous, slippery slopes wearing flip flops is extremely risky. Yes, even if your backless shoe looks rugged, made by companies known for hiking shoes, don’t fall into their evil trap or you may find yourself falling over a cliff.

Riding a bike: Trying to grasp the flip flop with your toes while pedaling may look easy enough, but I promise you this is a difficult task and a skill that most haven’t and never will perfect.

Walking on the beach: Seriously, has anyone ever been able to walk across scorching hot, dry sand in flip flops with any grace or success? Kicking sand up into the faces of snoozing sunbathers as your thonged shoes slap against your scorched heels and then stopping every few seconds to readjust your “shoe” is annoying on so many levels.

In the snow: If I have to explain this you are a lost cause and I bid you good health and future common sense.

You have a bad back: This type of footwear notoriously lacks arch support. The toe-curling grip and forced shortened stride don’t help either. If you don’t already have an aching back, you will.

Working: If you work in an office, wait tables, clean houses, drive trucks, deliver packages, paint houses, teach school, attend to patients, pretty much any job you can think of aside from poolside lifeguard, do not wear flip flops!

You are in school: This applies to any large group situation where walking amongst throngs of unaware folks and navigating steps is involved. My kids have never been allowed to were these ridiculous things to school and never will be. People inadvertently and intentionally step on the backs to make you trip. Falling up and down steps as you scurry between classes while balancing books, instruments and odd sized and shaped projects is just asking for a face plant. Nobody’s self-esteem is strong enough to brush off that kind of embarrassment.

Playing sports: Unless the sport is, see how far you can run in flip-flops without falling or breaking something, this is just solid advice.

Cutting grass: Unless this is the only way your disgusting toenails get trimmed.

You haven’t had a pedicure since last summer: I think no explanation should be needed. Message me if I need to explain.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1298471/Flip-flops-injure-200-000-year-costing-NHS-astonishing-40m.html

The Few Times When Wearing Flip Flops Makes Sense

 **I offer these with hesitation

Immediately after a pedicure: When your feet are clean and your nails are not yellow and curled under for lack of trimming. Just until the polish dries

In a public shower: This is the best way to protect your feet from the foot fungus of strangers. Remember, a) the “shoe” will absorb the filth and pass it on later, and b) wet flip-flops are slippery.

Around the pool: Actually, just when you are using the restroom. Walk don’t run. Thank you for not peeing in the pool.

They have a backstrap: Even this is not a failsafe solution

There are numerous options for a safer slip-on shoe. Do yourself a favor. Do the world a favor. Consider your options.

Ways to Clear the Clutter

By Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

My daughter made me so happy the other day. The words she uttered to make my day were simple, “I’m going to clean my room.” Then, she took it one step further, catapulting me into feeling equal parts bliss and pride. She proclaimed, “I’m gonna get rid of everything I haven’t used for six months.”

I swooned.

After I regained my strength, it took every ounce of my remaining energy to stifle my signature kneejerk response. I did not correct her error. Sometimes I do learn from my mistakes. 

Hooray me!

I knew if I spoke-up, she would abandon her plan to declutter her room. She would roll her eyes and begrudge my know-it-all persona. I can’t help it if I know a lot of useless stuff like that the rule of throwing things out is really three years of no use, not six months. Silly girl.

Rather than sweat the small stuff, I bit my tongue and expressed only the moderate enthusiasm that I knew my touchy teen could tolerate. No big accolades for her, just a simple, “That sounds like a good idea honey. Have fun.” I knew the “have fun” part was more praise than she can normally stomach, but I had trouble containing my true joy.

Nothing makes me happier than organizing, decluttering, and purging. Sure, I like stuff. I buy stuff all the time. The stuff I buy is meant to replace stuff I no longer need because it’s outdated, doesn’t fit, or is broken and worn. Somehow, that old stuff mysteriously gets stored in closets, drawers, and corners. 

There is only one possible culprit.

My husband is a bit of a hoarder. I find things I had placed in the trash, like unraveling and deteriorating kitchen floor mats or ancient, moldy brooms, stacked in the basement. When I ask, "Why on earth did you choose to keep this crap,” he replies, “You never know when we might need those.”

In fact, I do know when we might need those things. Never! 

Never, ever, ever will I search high and low for a filthy, useless, broken broom or a mat that leaves a trail of decayed rubber backing crumbles all over the house. I can’t imagine I’ll wake up one day and think, this house is too neat and clean I wish I has something to make it dirtier. Oh, I know. I’ll look for those old mats and nasty broom. 

Not. Gonna. Happen.

Aside from the things my daughter and husband hoard, I am a master of getting rid of once valuable to-me but now useless for-most stuff.

Ways to Get Rid of Stuff

Toss It:

One of my favorite pastimes is placing my trash on the tree lawn with a free sign on it. I hide behind the curtains in my front room window with a stopwatch to see how long it takes for my trash to become another’s treasure. The time to beat is 30 seconds.

Donate It

This is a win-win-win. With donations, you make it possible for others to work at places like the Good Will or Salvation Army. The Salvation Army will even come and get your stuff. You are providing low-cost merchandise for others to purchase. If you itemize taxes, you can deduct the estimated value of your donation. I recently estimated a bag of clothes to be worth thousands of dollars. Just kidding IRS agent. Calm down.

Places to donate include Women’s shelters, Churches, Animal shelters or other nonprofits for community garage sales, The Red Cross, NPR wants your cars, Dress for Success, etc. 

The places who want your old, useless stuff are endless.

Sell it in a Garage Sale

This is very time consuming and usually not profitable, but so much fun. It’s a way to meet your neighbors while selling them that candle you just couldn’t bring yourself to regift. All those novelty gifts from your 40^th and 50^th birthday parties fly off the shelves. People rifle through your things and make rude comments. They cringe at the $0.25 price tag on the pair of never worn shoes which have the price tags (not revealing that you actually bought them at the Goodwill before your realized why they were at the Goodwill) still attached and low-ball you to a dime.

Despite the no early birds notice in the paper, cars idle in your driveway at 7:00 am even though your sale starts promptly at 8:00 am. The people watching is phenomenal! Plus, it’s a great excuse for day drinking. I need a bloody Mary or two to get me through this bi-annual ritual

Sell it on eBay

We reserve this for the things we know are worth more than $0.25. This is more time consuming at first, but once you get the hang of it, you can sell almost anything. My husband was able to get rid of that Zune he bought when he believed Microsoft would beat Apple in the music technology game. Silly man. 

Give it to Someone

This is a great way to get rid of hand-me-downs. My girls never wore a new item of clothing, unless a grandparent bought it, until they were nearly tweens. Hand-me-downs saved us a billion dollars!

The important thing is to ask first. When I was a shy teen, my mother’s friend often roped me into babysitting her son who would spend the entire evening in his room crying hysterically until he threw-up. She had two insane Alaskan Malamutes who would escape the house. So I spent my nights trying to ignore the fact that a boy was knee deep in vomit and her crazy dogs were probably going to die on my watch. Good times. To add insult to my deep psychologically scarring, rather than pay me, this woman gave me garbage bags full of her retro polyester clothing. For some, this would be awesome, but I was not one of those girls who wanted to dress outside of the norm. No, I wanted to don the latest trends of the 1980’s, not the 1960’s. I needed cash to achieve that, not gogo boots. Ask first

Pawn Shops

I have only been to a pawn shop twice, the only times I really needed cash. Why else does one use a pawn shop, right? Both times the shifty clerks swindled me. Knowing I was desperate and a novice, they lowballed me on the jewelry I was selling. This was long before the internet became so prolific so I had no resource to school me on its true worth. Since I was desperate, I accepted the offer. If you are not in a rush, do research before using this option. Then use eBay instead.

Pass On Valuables to a Loved One

I love you. Pick me! But only if it’s diamonds or antique furniture. You don’t even need to ask first.

I promise, getting rid of stuff brings joy and will lift a weight off your shoulders. Others will find treasures in your trash. Your children and grandchildren will be so grateful when you pass on to the next world that they don’t have to rent a dumpster and get rid of all the useless crap that you refused to part with.

Remember, nobody wants your shabby broom and floor mats. Really nobody wants them not even if you put a free sign on them. They will sit on your tree lawn for 24 hours, 15 minutes, and 36, 37, 38,… forever seconds.