Never Say Never: The Things Only a Mom Would Do

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

Motherhood has plunged me into the heretofore unknown. I have found myself doing things I pledged emphatically, I will never do that!

“Never say never” is sound advice.

Being responsible for the care, safety, and overall well-being of two little humans has caused me to face fears and phobias I never planned on tackling in my lifetime. I was fairly content with my inability and unwillingness to experience many things. I happily sat idly by while others rode roller coasters trusting me to hold their sunglasses and fanny packs. I never missed the thrill brought on by swooshing down the slopes of the snowy mountain ranges of the world choosing instead to read a book, fireside while sipping a hot totty. I relished eating Velveeta and wonder bread while others forced dark green veggies down their gullets pretending it tasted even more delicious then my gravy doused pot roast and potatoes. I never felt deprived or left out. I never longed for the chance to just do it  it once.

Kids forced me to put my life into perspective. Like all mothers, I longed for my kids to be happy, to grow up and be better than me. I wished for my kids to have fun life experiences not held down by my irrational fears. I yearned for my kids to embrace a healthy way of living. I imagined my kids would admire me, leaning on me for strength and guidance. None of that seemed possible if we ate donuts for breakfast staying home in the relative safety of our house while I called the exterminator to squash the spider hanging out in the tub. I needed to step-up and push myself out of my comfort zone!

Eleven Things I Thought I’d Never Do

1. Plunge a toilet: To be fair, I never had to before kids. They seem to think a roll of toilet paper is needed for every trip to the commode.
2. Ride a ski lift: This took years for me to tackle. I wish I could say the trip down the mountain was a fair reward for my sweat filled, sob choked terror on the ride up.
3. Kill a gazillion legger: These nasty bugs scurry from damp corners of the bathroom at such high rates of speed I often only catch a fleeting glimpse as they disappear into the shower drain. The few times I was able to smack one with a shoe, it flopped and flailed for an inordinately long time even though it’s blood and guts were smeared on the floor. Since then, I may have feigned deafness when my kids release the unmistakable a scream only one of those prehistoric monsters can elicit. 
4. Beg for money: My most recent step out of my comfort zone involved me starting a Go Fund Me page for my daughter to attend a summit on the environment this summer. I spent much time convincing myself it’s just what people do. But still, I can’t shake a funny feeling that I have crossed a strange line. No matter, she is worth me putting aside my weirdness and taking the plunge (no toilet humor intended)
5. Clean-up the toxic body fluids of another human being: No discussion necessary except: I still wonder how an infant’s BM travels up the entirety of her back and into her hair. Perhaps we really need to examine this gravity thing further.
6. Sit at a sporting event for 8 hours, in the rain and cold: I always silently mocked and mourned for those sports parents who spend weekends and evenings eating walking tacos and sitting on the cold aluminum of bleachers for hours on end. Now I race to get there to watch my girl run. I even drive six hours for a sixty second race.
7. Switch from Mrs. Butterworth's to maple syrup: Real Maple syrup has always been one of my least favorite gag-inducing foods. Wanting to eliminate high fructose corn syrup from my kid’s diet, I made the switch. Ten years later and I’m still not loving it. I just eat fewer pancakes.
8. Eat kale, quinoa, and cauliflower couscous: I never even knew these foods existed. Now they are a regular part of my diet and therefore my daughters and husband must eat them too. Let’s just say, when the weather threatens a bad storm we don’t run out for quinoa, kale and cauliflower. We still stock-up on real comfort foods like mac and cheese, pizza, and chips.
9. Get a cat: I have never been a cat person. Dogs are my preferred pet. However, when an adorable three-year-old puts her hands on your cheeks and gazes into your eyes as little tears well-up in her bright blue ones and she sweetly asks, “Can we get a cat mama,” you drive immediately to the animal rescue place and get that kid a cat. Remember that a cat lives for 13 years or more, just saying.
10. Wear a sun hat and sunscreen: Wanting to model healthy behavior, I walk daily, eat 5-8 fruits and veggies a day, and avoid the sun. When once I would slather myself in baby oil and sunbathe for hours at a time, I now don a floppy hat and SPF 30 as I lounge in patches of shade not sun-soaked beaches.
11. Go voluntarily to an amusement park: I have never enjoyed the amusement park experience. The smell of fried foods combined with the heat and endless standing in lines repulses me. I believe a day in a medieval torture chamber would be preferable. The handful of rides that I could tolerate due to my fear of heights and my proclivity to get nauseous even on elevator rides have lessened as I aged. Now my bad back makes my ride choices even fewer. In the past, found myself going because others wanted me to, like my mother and sister. Now I go for my kids. I continue to pay outrages ticket fees to be the bench warmer and bag holder for hours on end.

All of these forays into my discomfort zones have taught me a lot about myself. I am not as selfish or self-center as I once thought. I do have the capacity for bravery. I do know the intense and all-encompassing love of a mother.

Nevertheless, I can’t wait until they grow-up so I can revert to my normal self and eat Velveeta and shells while standing on the toilet seat screaming for some brave soul to kill the spider in the tub. (Don’t ask why I am eating pasta on the toilet).

A Book Review: Us by David Nicholls

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

Find your copy here

Because I drive alone for hours each day, I rely on audiobooks to entertain and teach me. I rely on them to keep my mind active in the humdrum of mind-numbing daily commutes. I want to laugh away the hours, ponder life, learn about new people and cultures, and maybe, even feel what it is to be someone else for a bit.

“Other people’s sex lives are a little like other people’s holidays: you’re glad that they had fun but you weren’t there and don’t necessarily want to see the photos.” ― David Nicholls, Us

The perfect audiobook should be well written, keeping my attention without requiring deep thought and close attention to minute details in order to follow the story line. Driving requires that I be able to navigate through traffic, down unfamiliar roads, and obey traffic laws.  I want to get to where I am going without getting lost, sans tickets, and injury free. A book that fits this bill is hard to come by.

Happily, my latest driving companion, Us by David Nicholl’s, met and exceeded all my requirements. This delightful story about a family and the various relationships between its members was told from the perspective of Douglas, a flawed man, father, son, brother, and husband. It is so well-written, that the depths of the story were easily digestible as I multi-tasked between driving and immersing myself into the Peterson family’s life. I knew I hit the jackpot when I anxiously anticipated my solitary, daily journeys across the neighboring counties.

Nicholls masterfully entwined laugh-out-loud humor into his tale along with his perfect imagery and clever storytelling. He made me care about the characters while I chuckled at their quirks and foibles. I was able to feel empathy and sadness without feeling despair or hopelessness. Just as tears pricked my eyes threatening to blur my vision, Nicholls change the tone morphing my sob into a guffaw. 

The Peterson family, a family of three individuals with diverse personalities and life paths, became my friends as I journeyed with them through the trials and tribulations of their complex relationships and their holiday through Europe.

“There’s a particular grubbiness that comes with travel. You start showered and fresh in clean and comfortable clothes, upbeat and hopeful that this will be like travel in the movies; sunlight flaring on the windows, heads resting on shoulders, laughter and smiles with a lightly jazzy soundtrack. But in reality the grubbiness has set in” ― David Nicholls, Us

The scenery became a character with a role as important as the people. I loved spending time with the Petersons in their home country, England, as much as I relished visiting Amsterdam, Paris, Venice, Madrid, and Barcelona with them. I rode trains and walked the streets of Venice with Douglas. My feet ached when his feet ached. Along the way, Nicholls unearthed beautiful paintings and sculptures that Douglas described with insight and intellect most of which he gleaned from tour books and Wikipedia. This caused me to yearn for endless days exploring the great museums of the world.

“There may well be a scientific paper to be written on why walking in an art gallery is so much more exhausting than, say, climbing Helvellyn. My guess is that it is something to do with the energy required to hold muscles in tension, combined with the mental exertion of wondering what to say.”  ― David Nicholls, Us

Navigating Douglas’ relationships and joining him as he began to realize how he could have been a better father and husband was enlightening. It led me to reflect on my own relationships and ponder on how I could be better too. Nicholls never allows the reader to delve into feelings of depression. Douglas has too much humor and hope for that.

David Haig narrated this audiobook perfectly. He created nuanced performances for each character. He delivered both the emotional sentiments and the humor seamlessly. A well-acted performance is critical when listening to audiobooks. It is painful when the narrator is flat and unemotional, when the narrator can not morph into the characters. Good audiobooks are much like good theater or movies, you become immersed in the fantasy.

Nicholls has a gift that, as a writer, I envy and admire. This is the kind of book that leaves you with a sense of loss when you realize it has ended, but grateful you were able to be lost in the words, the stories, and the imagery for a period of time each day. I look forward to reading more by Nicholls soon.

Dear Doctor: A Letter from a Middle-Aged Woman

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

Dear Doctor,

Please know that I am a strong and independent woman. I do not like to admit that, sometimes, I need help. I like to try and fix things myself. I like to pretend I don’t hurt and trudge through life suffering the minor aches and pains that come with illnesses and aging.

Know that I have inherited a variety of ailments and debilitating conditions. I have witnessed my own mother bear-up and push through excruciating pain throughout her life. Know that I want to be strong like her, to manage my chronic illnesses while accomplishing and achieving my dreams. Know that I don’t have time to be held down or back, it’s hard for me to make time to see you.

Know that when I come to you and admit that I am weak or hurting, it’s pretty significant. I am not messing around.

Over the years, I have encountered many doctors that, rather than help to heal me, have hurt me, insulted me, disregarded me. Your doctor friends left me unhelped and unhealed. Please know that, even in the age of the internet and natural remedies, I still need you. I understand that you are over worked. I realize the insurance companies have made your job virtually impossible, but I still need you.

I thought you might benefit from learning from your mistakes. Fortunately, I am willing to point out some of the things that you did or said that hurt more than they helped. This is my way of helping you help me

Things a Doctor Shouldn't Say:

• “You’re lying.”
• “If only you were a better mother.”
• “It’s just part of getting older.”
• “I don’t know what’s wrong, but take these pills.”
• “You don’t have the listed symptoms, so you don’t have _________."
• “Your blood work came back normal, so nothing is wrong with you.”
• “I am the best.”
• “It doesn’t hurt that bad.”
• “I need to see you back in two months. My next available appointment is in 5 months.”
• "I heard you are upset about waiting so long and now you have to rush this appointment. You know I am a doctor and what I do is important."

 Things Doctors Should Say

• “I don’t know, so I’ll find out.”
• “I don’t know, so I am referring you to best specialist”
• "I’m sorry you waited so long. I know your time is valuable. I’ll speak to my office staff about scheduling my appointments better.”
• “Tell me what you think is wrong.”
• “The test results don’t show a problem, but clearly something is wrong so we will keep trying to figure it out.”
• “I reviewed your chart. Let’s talk about how you have been feeling since the last time you were here.”
• “I want to order some tests and lab work. Tell me about your insurance and we’ll see how we can make this work for you.”
• “Your symptoms don’t align with the what we are thinking, but everyone is different so we’ll keep looking.”
• “Insomnia is a very debilitating condition that can impact your physical, mental, and emotional health, so we need to figure out how to get you sleeping.”
• “I know taking prescriptions is not your preferred option. Let’s talk about lifestyle changes and natural remedies.”
• “I would love to be able to take you on as a new patient, but my case load is at capacity. Please see my colleague _____. He/she is a very talented physician who I highly recommend.”

Doctor I come to you for help. I come to you for your knowledge and healing abilities. I come to you to talk and have you listen. I come to you because I can’t heal myself.

Please take the time to get to know me. Please take the time to understand me. Please take the time to believe me and guide me.

If you respect me, I will respect you. If you trust me, I will trust you. Let’s work together to make me healthy.

Best Regards,                                                       

Liz Kriston
Former Patient

Bad Habit, Good Habit

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

Bad Habit in a Habit

It’s nearly mid-February and most of us have long abandoned our New Year’s resolutions. I’m still hanging on to mine, but it is by a thread.

Each night I prepare for bed by taking my old lady meds and moisturizing so I don’t completely dry-up and blow away as my electric heater and ceiling fan simultaneously suck the moisture from the bedroom. I rub clary sage oil on my feet to ward off the night sweats that have begun to plague me. Recently, I have added writing my gratitudes in a journal. This ensures I fall asleep feeling good about my life even on the most trying of days. I have been doing this for about six weeks. That means it's now a permanent habit. Right?

This made me consider, “Why is starting new habits so hard?” Changing behaviors and adding in new habits most often revolve around the need to better ourselves, improve our mental or physical health, and/or boost our career, family, and personal lives. If it's all for the good, why is it so dang difficult to make the changes we seek permanent?

It seems we can start a bad habit instantaneously. Much like when I started smoking at a much too young age. The drag on that first cigarette hooked me. Twenty-five years and a thousand attempts later, I finally kicked that nasty habit cold turkey. Well actually, I kicked that habit thanks to my toddler who I could no longer leave unattended while a snuck a smoke in the basement. Inconvenience, willpower, and cinnamon gum made that change possible.

When researching how long it takes to form new habits I discovered that cinnamon gum is rarely the answer to ending or starting most habits. Some have claimed that it takes just 21 days of repetition to start a new habit. However a study showed (see the link above) the actual time varies between 18-254 days with the average being 66 days. Or, in laymen’s terms, it takes as long as it takes.

I suppose motivation, memory, and willpower have much to do with the success of starting or stopping a habit. For example, I want to lose weight. I am motivated by visions of myself wearing new clothes and a swimsuit with confidence. I can’t always remember that I want to lose weight or why. When I see that glass of wine and creamy seafood pasta, I decide that life is too short to deprive myself of the things I really love. Then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I suddenly remember why I want to lose weight and my resolve returns. It’s a losing cycle of disappointment and pleasure.

Funnily, when I decided to have chocolate after a meal that habit formed instantaneously. Much like the chemicals in my once beloved cigarettes the compounds in chocolate are thought trigger the pleasure centers of the brain and boom, it is a habit.

Habits to make or break:

Break: Losing my patience with my kids. Seriously, the yelling needs to stop.

Make: Journal nightly. It really does help to keep life in perspective. Give it a try

Make: Eat healthy for every meal. When I eat well I feel so much better. 

Break: Drinking wine. Let's face it as long as I have kids, I'm drinking wine

Make: Save money. Let's face it, as long as I have kids, there will be no saving money.

Break: Watching TV instead of reading. No explanation necessary, I hope.

Make: Write daily. Practice makes perfect or so some nun told me.

Make: Meditation. I'm pretty sure the meme says it all...

Make: More hugs. Because hugs heal. Plus they are awesome

Break: Listening to the news. I need more positivity in my life, don't you?

So, whether it takes 18 or 254 days, I will continue to try and make and break the habits on my list. Like I tell my girls, don’t start things that you hope to stop. Starting is always easier than stopping.

A Review: Alice Hoffman’s The Marriage of Opposites

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

I am embarrassed to admit that I have never heard of Alice Hoffman. I happened upon one of her many novels on the shelves of Ollies, a discount store. The cover intrigued me almost as much as the price, $3.99. I scanned the back cover and the reviews convinced me I should add it to my growing collection of novels I want to read.

I grabbed it from my bookshelf the weekend my mom was meant to have major surgery. Falsely thinking I would have the both the time and the ability to concentrate on reading, the book lay nearly forgotten on my mom’s dining room table as I traveled between her home and the hospital where she recovered.

My aunt, who was in town caring for my mom, spied the book sitting unopened on the table and started reading.  Every time I saw her, her nose was in that book. I told her to keep it until she was finished. Once she was done, I opened the gently used book and immersed myself into the life of Rachel Pomie Petit Pizzarro.

This beautifully written work of historical fiction kept me turning the pages as I learned about this woman’s life journey. The story is told from the perspective of several of the characters over the course of six decades from 1806 to 1865. More than a history lesson, this is a story, both true and imagined, that immerses the reader, with intricate detail, into a family saga that his part love story, part ghost story, part mysticism, part tragedy, and part art history lesson.

Self Portrait: Camille Pisarro

Ms. Hoffman uses her expert use of language to create images as masterful as the ones painted by Rachel’s son, real life shaper of impressionism, Camille Pissarro. 

Children on a Farm by Camille Pissaro

Within the pages of this novel, I learned about the plight of the Jew in the early 19^th century, the way of life on the tropical island of St Thomas, the place of women, slaves and natives in relation to the European white men who inhabited the island, and the landscapes of Paris.

Each character that Hoffman introduces the reader to is rich, complex, and interesting. It is hard to accept that many were fictional. Realizing they never existed is heartbreaking.

I can’t help but feel like a better person after reading this literary gem, which is the reason I adore historical fiction. This genre offers the reader a step into a fantasy world that provides an escape from reality while enriching her knowledge of the world and history providing her with a deeper understanding about the plight of others. This understanding will hopefully lead to tolerance and even empathy. We could all do with more of those, especially in today’s social and political climate.

Have no doubt, I will be running to the book store in search of another of Alice Hoffman’s 30 works of fiction. My love affair with her writing has just begun. I am excited to see how our saga unfolds.

For a more in-depth description of the story behind The Marriage of Opposites visit:

https://www.biography.com/news/marriage-of-opposites-rachel-pissarro