If I could Have a Superpower it Would Be...

By Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

I finally have an answer to that question everyone seems to ask, “If you could have any superpower would it be?” When asked this ubiquitous question, I never had a great answer. 

My answers included powers like: Sleep all night. Stand-up without grunting. The ability to do yoga again. Be understood. Despite all the things I sort of wanted, there never seemed to be just the right one.

Recently, I watched a movie where the main character said he wanted his superpower to be the ability to hover a few inches above of the earth. Not fly, just float. At first, I thought this was genius, then I remembered that my primary form of exercise is walking. Floating everywhere would just result in my failing health which kind of takes away from that super feeling.

In fact, flying in any form does not make sense for me because I’m terrified of heights. So that’s off the table.

Superhuman strength makes no sense. What do I really need all that extra muscle power for? It’s not like I’m knocking down buildings or throwing cars out of the way on a daily basis basis. In fact, aside from some brief road rage incidents and that one time I smacked my car into the side of a brick wall, I’ve never needed to hurl vehicles or relocate buildings in a hurry.

Invisibility or reading minds is just creepy. I mean, do I really want to lurk around in people's unspoken thoughts or overhear what they say when I am not around? I have a hard-enough time dealing with what people say when they know I’m listening. Social media and blogs like this one have given people the power to feel like they are talking to no one while revealing some pretty disturbing stuff.

I promise I am not revealing anything disturbing here, well, in this specific blog post anyway.

All that fire and ice stuff just seems tiring, and aside from some internet trolls, I really can’t think of a person that I would like to freeze or set aflame. Well, maybe just one or two tyrants, but not enough to need those permanent powers.

Let’s face it. A lot of superheroes don't have powers as much as they have fancy equipment like Batman or Ironman. I have enough gadgets and fancy stuff around the house I don't know how to use. Why add more junk to the collection?

Then recently, while on one of contemplatory walks, I revisited how I wished for the ability to verbally dress down ignorant and rude people in the moment. Instead, when faced with unwanted confrontation, I become verbally impotent. It’s not until hours or days or years later, usually while in the shower or while battling insomnia at three in the morning by recounting all my life’s missteps, in a streak of pure genius that the words I wanted to speak, flow. I shout to no one and speak with articulate passion what I wanted to say in the heat of the moment.

On that walk, I realized what my superpower would be if I could choose, to embody Julie Sugarbaker.

It’s genius.

The designing woman, Julie Sugarbaker, is the world's most perfect woman, nay, human! She is smart,both book-smart and street-smart. She is refined but also sassy. She is beautiful and for the time, very well dressed. No woman wore bright colors, shoulder pads or peplum skirts better.

She is a savvy business woman but a fair and generous boss. She loves men but does not allow them to change or control her. She is devoted to her family and friends. She balances her work life with her social life. She is a philanthropist. She is sexy because she is tough.

The most enviable talent utilized by Ms. Julia Sugarbaker lies in her flawless ability to process an insult or ignorant rant and then, without hesitation, launch into the most eloquent and timely rebuff ever heard.

This woman has the unequaled ability to spout the most linguisticallybeautiful snubs and insults ever composed in the heat of the moment. Not only can she string together a series of articulate, haughty, and persuasive soliloquies, she can do it instantaneously. She does not require the benefit of a long shower to muster the words nor does she necessitate ten years of stewing to put rude and ignorant people in their place. Rather, Julie Sugarbaker listens, feels, and responds at a moment’s notice.

That is true power.

Julia Sugarbaker doesn’t suffer fools gladly. She has the uncanny ability to educate the ignorant while making it clear she does not and will not tolerate their nonsense. Even more enviable is her power to not ruminate over her choice to say it like it is. She has the courage and the self-confidence to speak up and speak out. She doesn’t lie in bed restless and sleepless questioning her words and actions.

Julia Sugarbaker is a well-rested, self-confident, activist who believes what she believes and will not not let others intimidate her. That is not to say she is not open-minded and willing to learn from and even admit to her mistakes. She wears her heart on her sleeve beside her intellect and bravery.

Yes, I want my superpower to be, becoming Julia Sugarbaker. So, watch out you people who have been rude, crude, cruel and unjust to me. Once I acquire that superpower, I’m coming for you. I will give you a lecture as iconic as Julia’s when the lights went out in Georgia tirade. I might even wear shoulder pads and a peplum skirt instead of a cape.