Adoption Myth VII: Infertile? Just Relax

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

                                     

Every time we left the infertility clinic, I would walk outside and see what seemed like dozens of happily pregnant women. These glowing women were fit and fashionably dressed with their perfect, taut, round bellies leading the way as they went about their day content in knowing they achieved one of the most basic human functions, procreation.

Not being able to make a baby was not a surprise due to the combined health histories of both my husband and myself. Nevertheless, the experience of it was torturous, exhausting, and draining both emotionally and financially. 

“Just try harder and it will happen.” “Just think positively and it will happen.” “Try to adopt and it will happen.” "Just relax and it will happen." Those quotes reflect the well-meaning words often given by loving friends and family who were trying to help support us through our struggles.

Click Here For Infertility Facts

The indisputable truth is that the healthy female body is designed to make babies. So, when my female body could not make a baby the feelings of inadequacy I had could only be truly understood by other women who have suffered through infertility. Unfortunately, most women do not discuss their personal struggles with this issue. I believe the silence is due to feelings of shame combined with the general societal misconception that infertility is just part of life and no big deal.

Deciding to have a baby is no easy decision. Some women find themselves pregnant at inopportune moments while others get pregnant right on schedule according to their life plan. Then there are women, like me, who make the careful decision to start a family only to be stalled over and over and over again.

Infertile women deal with the medical trauma and drama and expense of our condition. We deal with the continual grief and loss with our condition. We become stressed and feel out of control with our condition. We feel intense loneliness and sadness due to our condition. In spite of it all, we have to pull it together month after excruciating month and find a way to be hopeful so we can try again and again and again.

We rely on unfamiliar and sometimes cold medical professionals to guide us. We must trust strangers with our most intimate secrets and situations. We must withstand the medications and medical procedures prescribed. We try to lean on friends and family, but their capacity for support wears thin quickly. Asking and expecting someone to hold your hand through so much grief is hard and most people are not up to the task.

Click Here to Learn How to Talk to Your Infertile Loved Ones

These loving people who are our friends and family want to help us. They want to make our grief subside. They want to help us feel hopeful. Inevitably, they rely on the misconceptions perpetuated by the mainstream media through fluff news articles or made for TV movies. These outlets are flush with anecdotes about the few women who tried to get pregnant for years and as soon as they adopted a baby or prayed or tried non-traditional approaches got knocked-up.

Often times the sentiments delivered by our circle of support make us feel like we are not doing enough or the right thing. We end up feeling more stressed and more alone. We end up feeling that we are the problem not our bodies and our health. We know that those who shower us with these well-meaning but misguided words are not trying to hurt us, they do love us. 

The best thing you can do to help your loved one cope with infertility is to educate yourself on infertility so you can offer real advice when asked. Otherwise, just listen. I hope some of the information I have included is useful. And remember the following truths to the myths.

The Truths to 5 Common Infertility Myths 

• Trying is fun: Sure it is at first and then it becomes a job that you fail at month after month. Failure is not fun.
• Adoption leads to pregnancy: I have two beautiful girls that I adopted and I have never been pregnant. 
• Legs in the air: I have spent hours with my legs in the air and still no baby.
• Maybe it's him: Even if it is "him" we are still infertile. He is my husband and we are in this together. So, in reality, it is "us."
• Just relax: Really?