Selfies and Self-Esteem: Raising Girls

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

I caught a glimpse of my teenaged daughter taking yet another picture of herself. Without shame she posed looking at her image on the screen of her smart phone as she turned her head this way and then that way to ensure the most flattering angle and lighting. She did this, as we walked down the street, without shame or embarrassment. She just snapped away oblivious to my judging eyes.

While watching my daughter's self-directed photo shoot, my initial impulse was to mock her and make her feel awkward about what she was doing. Then I had flashback to when I was about her age and recalled my painfully low my self-esteem. I would never in a million years have been able to do what she was doing. Suddenly, I went from wanting to shame her to wanting to be her.

My memory took me back to a moment when I stood in front of the full length mirror in the first floor hallway of my childhood home. As I admired my reflection, I felt pretty.  I was sixteen and before that day I rarely thought of myself as pretty. After a life time of my father’s cruel words and interacting others who preferred sarcasm over compliments, my self-esteem was non-existent. But on that day I allowed myself to feel pretty.

I was home alone and I let the moment of feeling beautiful take over. I started posing in the mirror. I tipped my head in all directions and twirled and turned my body. This was long before the phenomenon of the red carpet poses so I had not been schooled by Ryan, Julianna, and their team of fashion police on the most flattering angles.

Proper Red Carpet Poses

This little posing session went on for several minutes until I was interrupted by a faint knock on the door. The front door was in the sight line of the hallway where I flaunted and flourished before the full length mirror. Startled back to reality, I looked up and was mortified to find my mom’s best friend peering through the front door window with a condescending smile on her face. She had been watching me.

When I answered the door, red faced with humiliation, she asked, “What are you doing?” I feigned ignorance. She continued to give me a patronizing look. I felt so small, vain, and frivolous. My rare moment of feeling pretty turned into something ugly. I reverted from feeling beautiful to feeling shameful and meek.

Over time, that feeling of shame passed and I let myself feel pretty more often. I wish I could have yearned for feelings of self-worth that surpassed the pretentious"pretty"  Why couldn’t I long to feel smart, strong, adventurous, etc…?

Compliments that Transcend "Pretty" and "Skinny"

                  

As a mother, I want my girls to have confidence in themselves completely not just in how they look. But we cannot forget that we live in a world where beauty is valued and judged. To combat the high value we place in looks, I make a conscious effort to compliment my girls on all aspects of their lives and personality. 

I emphasize that they look healthy or fit rather than pretty or skinny. I tell them they are smart and strong rather than pretty and skinny. I tell them are funny and clever rather than pretty and skinny. I tell them they have nice style and look fresh rather than look skinny and pretty. I tell them I like their friends and encourage their interests and hobbies rather than tell them they look pretty and skinny. There are so many more things to focus on aside from looks. We need to make sure that we tell our girls these things, the same things we have been saying to boys all along.

Men Reacting to Compliments Girls Get

Maybe taking selfies is not just an exercise in vanity. Perhaps the act of taking selfies provides opportunities to stop and appreciate the little things in life; to appreciate ourselves and all our accomplishments even the mundane ones. By making time to take a selfie, we are stopping and actually smelling the roses. We are pausing and appreciating all aspects of our lives and in turn celebrating all aspects of ourselves. 

For example, by photographing ourselves with the dinner we just made we say so much. We are sharing with the world that we are proud of all that was required to prepare that meal from the job we work to buy the food to the skill it took to prepare it to the healthy food we chose to feed our body to the people we love who we are sharing that meal. So rather than judge this culture of selfie takers, we should admire the self-esteem it implies and the fact that we are pausing to enjoy life even if it means we are sharing it a bit too much.

Taking a Moment to Enjoy my Family