Subtracting Sheep and Counting Blessings: Coping with Insomnia

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

Don’t count sheep, subtract them by sevens from a herd of 6,753. Keep going until you reach zero

My sleep deprivation of the previous ten years brought me to a precarious precipice where my sanity dangled and began to crumble into insanity. In order to stop the slow slide from evolving into an avalanche, I sought professional help. 

As I sat shivering in the threadbare, powder blue, cotton gown atop the padded table sheathed in crinkly, white paper, my bloodshot and bleary eyes stared blankly at the doctor’s chapped lips as his mouth formed words. His handsome face looked bored as he recited the rules of “good sleep hygiene.” Though I suppose I expected this lecture, it took all of my might not to hurl myself at this “sleep expert” and pummel him with the blunt, weak blows my exhausted body could only manage.

As I alluded, my rage was the result of my fragile psyche. After years of proactively trying to solve my worsening insomnia, this "expert" was my last resort. In my mind, or what was left of it, he was the one person who could save me.

I had provided him with a homemade detailed graph charting everything from my eating habits to my day to day health to my alcohol intake to a rating scale on the quality of my sleep in hopes that he would actually try to help me. When I first met him, I was optimistic because he was young. I mistakenly thought he would have knowledge of current research and an open-mind. I hoped he would take a real interest in my sleep patterns and how they were impacting the quality of my life. He appeared impressed with my charts and graphs and scales. He even pretended to look at them before he tossed them aside as he quizzed me on my bedtime routine.

Insomnia ruined my life. No mattered who I turned to, none gave me the answers or solutions I sought. None truly understood the devastating effects that ten plus years of sleep deprivation wreaked on my mind, body, and spirit. None understood that I was broken.

 10 Ways Insomnia Ruined My Life

1. I had no energy to play with, talk with, or spend time with my children.
2. My emotional state made it impossible to nurture my relationships with my husband, children, friends, and family.
3. I was unable to enjoy activities in the evenings as my bedtime was 6:00pm.
4. I had to cut my work load to part time which significantly reduced my salary.
5. Even when awake, I was not truly present.
6. My overall health suffered.
7. I spent countless hours and dollars on health care and unsuccessful remedies.
8. I was depressed and miserable.
9. I had anxiety and panic attacks.
10. Like a toddler, I had to nap at 1:00 everyday.

Despite my hopelessness, exhaustion, and despair, I remained proactive. I read articles. I sought advice and counsel. I researched the internet. I had an open mind and tried it all.

Approaches to Combat My Insomnia

• Pills including over-the-counter sleep aids, prescription sleep meds, anti-depressants, etc..
• Oils and aroma therapy
• Herbs and teas
• Acupuncture
• Massage including cranial-sacral therapy and shiatsu
• Psychotherapy
• Sleep Studies
• Sleep Hygiene
• Feng Shui
• Yoga
• Deep breathing/Meditating
• Counting Sheep
• No naps
• Exercise
• Diet restrictions like no caffeine or alcohol
• Crying until I thought I would drown in tears

Alas, nothing worked. The pills made me catatonic and sick. The acupuncture and massage made for some fun stories, but not sleep. The psychologist shrugged and said, “I don’t know why you can’t sleep.” The herbs and teas and oils did nothing except drain my wallet and make me gag. The lack of caffeine and alcohol made me more miserable, duh. The exercise helped me get through the day, but did not make sleep come. The crying made me appear red, puffy, and disfigured. The sleep studies revealed, and I kid you not, that I have a “moderate sleep disorder.” The Feng Shui made my husband crazy because he wanted a TV in the bedroom. With each failure I tried a new tack until there were no more to try. Or so I thought.

                            

                                                                         

                             Click Here for Link to Restful Insomnia

Thankfully, I remembered that I had a familial connection to a woman who created a program to help insomnia sufferers. In fact, she had written a book. I contacted Sondra Kornblatt and she agreed to send me her book, Restful Insomnia. From the very beginning of her book I realized I had discovered a person who understood not just what I was going through, but that the insomnia itself was a serious disorder that needed to be addressed.

At that time, doctors never treated me or my insomnia has a health crisis. I truly think they believed that I was just whining and I should get over it. Isn’t everyone tired? Doesn’t everyone have the occasional bout of “insomnia?” They swept me and my suffering under the rug and never put much effort into helping me. This caused me even more despair.

Now, Sondra, with her wise and kind words, validated me. That alone was life changing. Knowing that another human being understood that my disorder was real and was a problem caused me to cry with relief. No more puffy, red, shower, cry eyes for me.

As I read her amazing book, I discovered a whole new way to approach my insomnia- acceptance. Once I learned to accept my insomnia instead of fight it, I began to heal. More importantly, I learned to rest. I accepted that resting should be my goal which enabled me to adopt many of the strategies Sondra described. These strategies helped to ease me into rest and ultimately, gloriously, into sleep.

As I rested and even slept, my life changed. My anxiety and thoughts of suicide disappeared. My feelings of isolation and despair disintegrated. My insomnia did not magically vanish, but once I learned to rest, my days improved. Overall, my life improved.

Insomnia remains part of my life. Fortunately, I am in a place where I sleep more than I do not. When I have those nights where sleep eludes me, I rely on the techniques that Sondra taught, and I calmly rest. Often times, I drift off to sleep dreaming of mythical handsome doctor who lends me his hand and pulls me away from the edge of the cliff saving me before I slip away into the abyss of chronic sleep deprivation.

_______________________________________________________________________

My favorite resting technique: Gratitude. This technique works best when I feel myself awake and spiraling into panic mode. When I am tossing and turning and letting my mind worry about all the ways a sleepless night will ruin my day, I breathe deep and then force my brain to think of anything and everything for which I am grateful. Inevitably, as I form the list, unknowingly, I drift off. The next thing I know, I wake rested and happy.

What techniques help you fall asleep? Please share in the comments section.

Adoption Myth VIII: Adoption is Only for the Wealthy

By: Elizabeth Redhead-Kriston

Every child deserves to hold a parent's hand. You have the power to make that possible. If you ever considered adoption but changed your mind due to the fears perpetuated by the myths of adoption, I am here to tell you the truths as I know them.

Over 100,000 American Children Wait for Homes

Click Here for Info on Foster-Adoption

When my husband and I realized that pregnancy was not in the cards and that our family was meant to be born from adoption, we were worried about the costs we assumed were involved in all adoptions. We had just spent copious amounts of money on unsuccessful infertility treatments and were still establishing ourselves career wise. We barely had enough money for groceries let alone for adoption fees. Just like most young couples, we were strapped with student loans, car payments, and a mortgage. Coming up with thousands and thousands of dollars would have been challenging.

Click here to learn more about costs for adoption

However, we were still young and daring enough to take a chance; to roll the dice. So, we moved forward and did the leg work and research to make it possible for us to become parents. We searched the internet, read pamphlets, and talked to people. We looked into international adoption as well as private adoption within the USA. We considered putting ads in the paper and we began spreading the word. One of the pieces of advice we read and heard repeatedly was to tell everyone you know and encounter that you want to adopt. You never know who might be the connection to your next baby.

Meanwhile, I was working in a career that connected me with infants, toddlers, and the families who cared for them. As fate would have it, I began providing early intervention services to a young child who resided with a foster family. I got to know this lovely family and the children they fostered very well. Through my experience and conversations with them, I learned more about foster care and the foster-adopt option that I had overlooked and not included in my research.

Like so many would-be parents before me, this option scared me. Concerns about the children in foster care are common. It is assumed all of the children in care have been hurt and have complex physiological, psychological, medical, educational, and//or emotional needs. It never occurred to me that:

1. Any child who is born could have complex needs. Foster children are not the only ones who may require more of our attention
2. I have the skills, education, and ability to be, at the minimum, a competent and loving parent to any child.
3. Not all children in the foster care system have any of those needs.
4. All children deserve a forever family.

Once I was willing to accept those realities, I was able to open my heart and mind to the foster-adopt option. As I researched this option further, it was revealed to me that adopting children using this track is low-cost or free. Additionally, children who are adopted from foster care are often eligible for subsidies including free, state issued healthcare.

What’s an adoption subsidy?

"Ninety-one percent of the children adopted from foster care in 2014 qualified to receive an ongoing subsidy because they met their state’s definition for “special needs.” (In 2013-14, those families received an average of $782 per month.) The purposes of adoption subsidies are to remove the financial barriers that may prevent a family from adopting from foster care, and to ensure that a child’s special needs are met until he becomes an adult, between the ages of 18 and 22, depending on the state." (https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/how-to-adopt/foster-care-adoption/adopting-from-foster-care/)

The subsidies were not a deal maker or breaker for us. However, subsidies provide low income would-be parents who want to have a family with the financial support they require to provide the necessities of daily living for their children. We all know that love and attention are not enough to raise happy, healthy, and well-adjusted children. Children need secure home and family environments in which to flourish.

I realize that pessimists exist and that thanks to the mainstream media, we Americans tend to distrust any systems that offer lower income families money. How often have your heard or even thought, “They are just fostering for the money.” Or, “They only adopted that kid because they get a check each month.” That cynical train of thought is harsh and more times than not, untrue.

When we brought our girls home and while they remained in adoptive placement (similar to foster care) they were eligible for free formula and food. Though we could have found the income to cover the cost, we remembered that those systems exist for a purpose. Bringing a child who has already lost so much into your home and heart is stressful for all. We welcomed relief from the fiscal stress of caring for our child(ren). 

click here

The first time I went to the local market with my WIC checks in-hand I felt uncomfortable. The way the system works makes it blatantly obvious to anyone around you in the checkout line that you are using a form of government subsidies to pay. I felt the eyes of my judgmental neighbors boring into my back. I could sense their disapproving head shakes and annoyance. Not only was I using their taxes to pay but their wait in line was going to be a minute longer because of me. After the first few times I just stared back, smiling as I thought of my baby at home who I would get to hold and feed in just a few minutes. Nobody was going to take my joy from me.

As we proceeded through the process of becoming adoptive parents through the foster-adopt system, we attended all of the classes we needed for free. We had our home-study completed for free. All of the legal fees were covered. Our only costs involved paperwork and criminal record checks. We were able to adopt our two beautiful infant girls and grow our family without the stress of finding the money to cover the exorbitant fees of the other adoption avenues.

Whatever path you choose will be the best one for you. My purpose is to let you know that if you open your mind to foster children, you might be able to make your dreams of a family come true and make the dreams of a child come true. You have the power to give them a hand to hold for life.

What are the barriers you face with adoption? Do you have helpful information about adoption fees and costs? 

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More Resources

National Adoption Council on Adoptable Children

Adopt US Kids

Boxes and Bags and Bins of Toys: Finding the Perfect Gift

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

I cannot deny it any longer. The holiday season is upon us. Parents, grandparents, and loved ones are searching the internet, toy catalogs, and stores for the perfect gifts for the beloved children in their lives. Inevitably, these toys will require batteries and will claim to be "educational." I argue that the opposite is true. I want to help you re-imagine the “perfect” gift.

One of the great things about my job is that I visit homes and work with families one on one. Over the years I have learned and seen how families play and interact with their children. One common denominator is the existence of toys, sometimes lots of toys, mountains of toys, boxes and bags and bins of toys.

Predictably, these toys sing, squawk, talk, roar, beep, and screech. Sometimes they make these sounds mysteriously from the bottom of the toy box in the middle of the night. I have seen puzzles that make sounds, books that have noise making buttons, baby dolls that cry, and even motorized bubble wands. No toy is off limits from the mighty microchip.

Back in 1996 I should have bought stock in battery companies because I would be rich! That was the year that the original Tickle Me Elmo entered our lives. I once read that Tickle Me Elmo was the very first successfully marketed toy to contain a microchip. The wild success of this toy triggered a trend that has evolved over the years.

Toy makers everywhere have developed countless toys that make noise and are animated in increasingly more sophisticated ways. These toys are often marketed as “learning” toys. Many of these toys do have value. For example, infants may respond to the lights, movements, and songs of cause and effect toys more effectively than inanimate toys. However, toddlers and preschoolers are potentially losing out on some critical brain development opportunities thanks to these attractive toys.

These toys essentially rob children of the joy of using their imaginations. The sounds and actions built into the toys can actually limit the world of possibilities that toys once offered. If the cow already says "moo," then why should the child say moo? These toys might be keeping children from practicing sounds or saying words.

At the same time that children are mesmerized by the lights and sirens of the obnoxiously loud fire trucks in the toy box, parents are barely maintaining their sanity because of the plethora of unnatural noises that are bombarding their ears daily. Bank accounts are dwindling across the country as parents feel pressure to buy these expensive “interactive learning toys.” 

The irony is that the best interactive learning toy a child can have is free. It is right in front of them several hours a day. It is that very mom and dad who supplies them with all of these toys. In response to this state of play or non-play that we parents currently find our kids, I wrote the following poem. Please enjoy:

Boxes and Bags and Bins of Toys

Boxes and bags and bins of toys.

 Every single one of them makes a noise

Phones that ring; brown cows that moo.
The baby dolls eat and then even go poo.

The horse on a stick says cloppity-click.
Even the barn makes sounds for the chick.

No need to peddle their trike or toy car
Because the battery inside takes them far.

Bubbles blown with battery operated fans.
Maybe next year they won’t need to use hands.

Touch a screen with a finger to draw anything.
Chemical soaked paper lets them paint with no ink.

Sometimes I think all this technology stinks.
The toy makers won’t give kids a chance to think.

The tea pots gurgle, whistle, and sing a fun tune.
The toy kitchens sizzle and boil when you stir the spoon.

Play-Doh factories have molds and cookie cutters.
With all this ready-made stuff kid’s brains start than sputter.

What happened to creativity?
These toys eliminate spontaneity!

Our kids don’t have to imagine or be unique.
Their future is beginning to look a bit bleak.

Our kids have one chance to grow their young brains,

To see the possibility of all it can attain.

Encourage them to use all of their strengths,
To exercise their minds to all of its lengths.

Give them toys that develop imagination.
Then play with them and be their inspiration.

Be silly and sweet and show them how to play.
Making the time will improve your day.

Your child will develop a better mind and bigger heart.
All you need is a book, a toy, and a hug to start.

For more insight on this topic click here

TOY LIST

All of these toys encourage the development of imaginative/pretend play. Remember, the less the toy does or says for your child the more your child will think, act, and talk. Most of the recommended toys do not require batteries.

Click Here

Many box stores offer wooden toy collections. Melissa & Doug have a wonderful selection of toys for young children. I typically direct families to smaller toys stores so they do not get overwhelmed. I have found that stores like TJ Maxx, Marshalls, and Ross Dress for Less often have a great selection of toys and books for slightly less money than other stores. Always look in the clearance section first.

Before shopping, carefully consider your child’s developmental age, his or her skill level, and safety/choking concerns. This is not a complete list, but it should get you started. If you must, take batteries out of toys before gifting them. I promise your child will not miss them.

 _______________________________________________________________________

Wooden blocks of different shapes and sizes                       

Lego’s, Duplo’s or Mega Blocks

Lincoln Logs                                                               

Mr. or Mrs. Potato Head

Baby Dolls and accessories                                      

Little people                                                                

Plastic animals or people

Hand or finger puppets                             

Sandbox

Modeling dough or clay                                             

Play kitchens

Doll houses                                                        

Action figures and accessories

Books                                                                    

Water table

Child safe mirror                                                        

Bubbles

Echo microphones                                                     

Tea set

Pretend food                                                              

Toy farm and accessories                 

Pound a Ball/Ramp toys                                            

Dr. kit

Felt board                                                                   

Magnet board with scene

Board games                                                             

Toy tools

Cars, trucks, planes, trains                    

Craft kits

Dress up clothes                               

Books for science experiments

Art supplies                                     

Kid cookbooks

Toy telephone                                      

Music

Linking or snap together toys

Musical instruments

Taking Time to Recharge and Appreciate the Little Things

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

photo by Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

In anticipation of a much needed respite, I am posting a poem I wrote years ago while on the most relaxing vacation I ever had. It is so easy to get wrapped up in all the responsibilities of being an adult. We put so many things first: our kids, our jobs, our spouses, our friends, our homes, and the list goes on.

Those things are important and they make us whole. They make our lives special and unique and important. However, it becomes easy to start drowning in all of that. Before we know it, we begin to suffocate under all the pressure to be present for everyone else and we realize we need a minute to learn to how to breath deep again.

I urge all of you to recognize your importance. I encourage you to take time for yourself. If you lose yourself and your ability to breath, you will be no good to everything and everyone else that is important in your life. It is not selfish to put yourself first from time to time. In fact, I argue, that it is selfless.

So take the time to re-energize your body, mind, and spirit. Take some time to appreciate the little things in life. Take some time and enjoy my poem.

Camping

by: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

Photo by: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

Windows down, wind whirring, rushing, whipping through our hair.
Music from our favorite radio station fades into snowy noise.

Leaving the buildings and billboards behind.
A smattering of barns, houses, and hay bales appear.

Oceans of cement and pavement replaced by green fields and blue skies.
No more people or cars clutter the streets. Cows and trees line the roads.

A river bends and winds switching sides of the car.
We cross bridges as we follow it to our destination.

We exit the highway. 
The wind becomes a breeze scented with wildflowers and manure.

No more sounds of whirring pavement below us.
Gravel crunches beneath our tires.

The blue sky is hidden beneath a canopy of green.

The air cools and becomes moist with moss and damp leaves.

We find our spot deep within the forest, park, and step out into this world of nature.
Sounds, smells, and sights intoxicate us with a sense of calm and wonder.

Listen, it is so quiet.
Listen again, new sounds are everywhere.

Rustling leaves, bugs buzzing, birds chirping.
Water trickling, ground crunching, animals scurrying.

The crackle of the fire warms us and makes us think of food.
We cook and eat and laugh and talk.

Sleepiness overwhelms us and we sleep a deep, restful sleep.
We rise with the sun, grateful for this time to relax and appreciate the calm.

Cleanliness Does Not Equal Confidence: Being a Modern Mom

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

I consider myself a fairly organized and self-assured mom. At least I did until my printer mysteriously started delivering weekly guilt trips. Not long after my husband “fixed” our wacky printer, each week it spit out a colorful sheet. Initially, I blamed it on the kids printing something for school and then forgetting. Eventually, I got tired of seeing the paper sitting untouched in the printer tray, so I grabbed it.

At first glance it looked like some sort of list or journal entry. The next time I found it in the tray, I looked a bit more closely and saw it was something for “mom.” I halfheartedly investigated the now predictable weekly appearance of this sheet of paper by asking my husband about it. He shrugged it off. 

The relentless reappearance sparked a bit more interest and I quietly wondered what this newsletter was all about. However, it took my husband’s guffaws coming from the kitchen followed by him running into the living room shaking the paper and thrusting it toward  where I sat peacefully sipping wine as I watched TV and the dust piling up on the surfaces around me for the content of that mysterious newsletter to be revealed. 

My husband, who, with much guidance on my part, evolved into a feminist, well, a feminist with a twisted sense of humor rooted in the male chauvinistic life most of us were raised. His dichotomous life caused equal parts outrage and amusement at the words he read. As he reread the words on that paper over my shoulder, he awaited my reaction. My immediate and obvious outrage did not disappoint. He was practically dancing with giddiness!

It turns out that this newsletter he “inadvertently” signed-up for was entitled The Confident Mom. Based on the content, the writer of this newsletter walked women's rights backwards to the 1950’s. Certainly the author intended to be helpful, but the end result was ridiculous and a smidge offensive. 

Rather than a newsletter, it was a checklist of all the things good moms should accomplish daily and weekly. By completing these tasks mom's should be better able to provide a healthy and nurturing environment for their families to thrive.The top section lists 14 items moms should do each day, such as:

• Personal quiet time
• Make-up beds
• Prep for dinner
• Tidy kitchen
• Get Moving
• Ten Minutes of self-Care

I am not one to linger in the bathroom primping and preening, but even the most plain Jane needs more than ten minutes to “self-care.” By the time I have my daily constitutional and brush my teeth, my time allotted ten minutes is up. Perhaps by consolidating my “personal quiet time” with my "self-care" I’d have more time to complete all the tasks in the next section.

Under that list of daily tasks, came a calendar for the week which listed chores to be completed Sunday through Saturday. Clearly, the author of the list works as a writer and blogger. Just for fun I compared "her" days with "my" days.

Her Sunday: Make shopping lists-plan weekly menu-review family calendar-sweep and mop kitchen floor

My Sunday: Pretty much the same but I also grocery shop and cook meals for the week. I prod and yell at the rest of the family to do their chores. I also work at home.

Her Monday: Wash kids’ sheets-dust and vacuum kids’ rooms-dust and vacuum upper floors and stairs-dust and shine wall frames and mirrors.

My Monday: I go to work. I might vacuum.

Her Tuesday: Disinfect & wipe toilets-check toilet paper supply-dust surfaces in living area-vacuum the furniture-vacuum living area-check kitchen floor and sweep.

My Tuesday: I go to work. All that other stuff was sort of done by my husband and kids on Sunday. “Checking toilet paper” translates to screaming for help as we stare at the naked tube. Why would I even look at the kitchen floor on Tuesday? I just washed it on Sunday! It’s good for at least a week, maybe two. Can furniture be vacuumed? Perhaps I should try this.

Her Wednesday: Wipe the remote controls-wipe and clean one shelf in the refrigerator-wipe down the coffee maker-wipe out the microwave-wipe the kitchen light fixtures-clean tubs and shower

My Wednesday: I go to work. Wipe the remotes! Seriously? First I would have to find them and then pry them from the sweaty, sticky hand that holds them. Wipe one shelf in the fridge? You know if you wipe one then the others look dirty and the next thing you know you have the entire thing torn apart and you are throwing away condiments that expired in the seventies. Just walk away from that dirty fridge! Since I am the coffee maker, I am certain I do not need a wiping down, but then it depends on who is doing the wiping ;)

Her Thursday: Wash master bedroom sheets-clean master bedroom surfaces-declutter nightstands-vacuum master bedroom-clean bathroom sinks/shine mirrors-check kitchen floor

My Thursday: Did I tell you I WORK? Why make beds when the rooms have doors?

Her Friday: Wash kitchen floor-empty all trash-wipe down appliance doors-wipe down phones-wash bathroom rugs and floors-replace bath hand towels.

My Friday: Um, still working. What is happening to the kitchen floor that it needs so much attention?

Her Saturday: Water houseplants-kids straighten bedrooms-straighten car interior

My Saturday:  More work. I am probably nursing a mild hangover from the one too many glasses of wine I had Friday night. I am enjoying some much needed family time.

Just when you, the mom whom I am confident is exhausted and a touch resentful at all the cleaning-up you made yourself do, there is still more to do. You must complete other weekly tasks like paying bills, ironing, wiping down computers, cleaning the dryer vent (who does this weekly), tidying the front porch, and wiping out the silverware drawer.

After reading this "helpful list," I am confident that my choice to be a working mom with a somewhat dirty house who relies on the entire family, including my husband, to get the house we ALL live in and use clean enough is the best choice for me. Resources such as The Confident Mom seem to set the clocks back and put us in an era that feminists have fought so hard to leave. I want my kids to grow up watching their mom confidently juggle work and home. I want them to grow-up confident in their responsibility and ability to maintain a home and family not because they happen to be girls, but because they are equal members of a family. So I write this while sipping some wine on a beautiful Sunday knowing my house needs a good cleaning but confident that I am happy and fulfilled as I choose my passion over my responsibility. Cheers!