High Pressure Fails

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

As he steps from the shadows, his menacing eyes make me certain that I must react swiftly and fiercely. I scream with all my might, but nothing but silence fills the air around me. No matter how hard I try to emit a loud, shrill warning, only smoke from my hot breath floats around me in the cool night. I feel my heart start racing as my adrenaline courses through my veins. I begin to panic. Tears fill and sting my eyes. My vision blurs as my attempts to scream fail over and over.

I find myself face to face with the nameless assailant. I ball my fists and lift my arm, winding-up like I learned from all those Saturday mornings watching Bugs Bunny. I let my arm go full force hoping for a well-placed powerful punch to the bad guy’s nose. My blow is nothing more than a tap. My arm flops down beside me. I can barely lift the weight of it. Despite repeated attempts to defend myself, my impotence persists. Everything goes black.

I awake feeling defeated and frustrated and searching for my arm. Seriously, where is my arm? I had two when I went to bed and now I only have one! As I thrash around, I discover the numb limb hiding under my pillow where I had slept upon it all night rendering it dead, useless. Drenched in sweat and overcome with the feeling of pins and needles as blood drains back into my arm, it takes a moment for me to realize that I just experienced my recurring dream.

Reflecting on these frequent dreams caused me to wonder: Why am I so incompetent in high-pressure situations?

My lack of skill in times that require quick reflexes, precision, and strength go beyond my dreams. I fail in real life too. Too many times I have attempted to react in a split second. I want to be that mom who can capture the fleeting precious moments of life on film. I want to be the neighbor who can swoop in and save the day in any emergency. I want to be athletic and nimble, wowing younger folks with my abilities in any sports arena.

Unfortunately, my reflexes and my senses are dulling with age. I rarely walk-up the steps without tripping. I must choke two times a day on food, or worse, my own saliva. I mean nose running, tears streaming, full-on choking. Forget ever trying to thread a needle or read the directions on any package. Nothing works like it used to, and I can’t adjust enough to compensate for my ever-increasing shortcomings.

Land-Line Fails

Recently, on my street, there was a road rage incident that was escalating into violence. The two old men involved stopped their trucks in the middle of our quiet side street. Parked side by side they began shouting at each other from rolled down windows. Not satisfied with the effect his loudly uttered string of profanities, the guy closest to me started rifling around in his vehicle, I assume, to find a weapon. 

My kneejerk reaction upon witnessing this, as I peeked like a coward from behind my kitchen window curtains, was to grab the house phone from its cradle on the wall and dial 911. I pressed the phone to my ear waiting for the operator to answer as I watched the old guy get out of his truck ready for fisticuffs (I guess he didn’t find that weapon).

As my heart raced with fear, I realized that no sound came from the phone. I glanced at the phone and saw I had dialed 911. I pressed it to my ear again, irritated at the inefficiency of the “emergency” responders. Still no answer, or even a ring. I looked again at my phone only to realize that I had not pressed send. Oops. By the time I calmed enough to find the send button, the men had departed, peeling away, diverging at the stop sign, fuming, but alive.

Digital Camera Fails

My daughter’s track meets are one of my favorite places to be. I love to record her races and sometimes time her. I pull out my Canon EOS digital camera and pop on the zoom lens ready for her race to begin. As soon as the gun cracks, I bring it to my eye and find her on the track. Then, I press the shoot button. This ends in a variety of ways.

1. I forgot to on turn the camera. 
2. I set it in a mode that will not accurately photograph the action. 
3. The bill of the special baseball cap I purchased to show my support of our home team gets in the way, blocking the camera, making it impossible for me to look through the eye hole. 
4. By the time I figure all this out, she is directly in front of me. My zoom lens can’t find her at the close range.

iPhone Fails

Frustrated with the Canon, I switch to my iPhone camera. Wanting to document the entire race, I prepare to video. I switch my camera mode to video and I await the beginning of the race. The gun shoots, I hit record, and the runners turn the bend. It is then I realize she is not in that heat of the race. At this time several things happen. 

1. By the time she runs, I've run out of space on my phone. 
2. After deleting the videos of girls who are not my daughter, I am ready for her next race. The gun goes off. I attempt to press record, but my screen has gone to sleep. 
3. I wake the phone, press record, and capture her in the last stretch, crossing the finish line. I press stop and cheer for her and for me. 
4. I play my video only to discover it is of my feet as I cheer for her at the end of the race. 

Or

4. I discover my finger was over the lens so no actual race was recorded just a lengthy close-up of my fingerprint.

Stopwatch Fails

As you can imagine, timing races with the stopwatch on my phone goes about the same. I think all but once I have never actually successfully timed her race accurately.

Selfie Fails

Selfies are another reflex oriented activity that I rarely achieve. First, angling the phone so that I get everything and everyone in the shot is a magic trick I have never learned. Of course, this has to be accomplished while getting an angle where I do not look like, well, look like I look. Bags under eyes, loose jowls, and wrinkles do not flatter especially in a selfie. Nevertheless, once I finally get the perfect shot lined up I push the button and …I turn off my phone…. EVERY TIME!

Kayak Fails

When kayaking with my daughters, inevitably, one of them has to pee and it is always an "emergency." I race toward shore locating a place that looks like it is accessible and private. We make it shore in the nick of time only to encounter a series of fails. 

1. The land is soft mud so we sink-into our knees as we try to get behind a tree to pee. 
2. Someone falls, cuts herself, and is bleeding significantly. 
3. I get them safely back into their boats only to fall out of my boat and into the cold water wearing my only dry clothes. 
4. From the lake, as I try to right myself and wrangle my boat, I watch helplessly as it fills with water. I watch it slowly begin to sink along with my hopes of having a fun and relaxing day on the water.

Truth be told, I cannot think of a single high-pressure situation that has not been a series of fails. Fortunately, I have managed to keep myself and my family alive. If I ever do find myself face to face with that assailant from my dreams, I hope my adrenaline gives me the power to knock him out cold. Maybe I’ll even be able to video the attack and take a selfie with him before I call 911 to have him arrested. Or not.