Resiliency: Life Must Go On

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

Nothing is impossible I have found

For when my chin is on the ground

I pick myself up, dust myself off

Start all over again

Don't lose your confidence if you slip

Be grateful for a pleasant trip

And pick yourself up, dust yourself off

Start all over again.

Frank Sinatra~Pick Yourself Up 

When, despite being the victim of a surprise dog attack; bleeding profusely from the wound on her hand; suffering the pain of the bite plus the residual bruising, my daughtered proclaimed that she still loved and trusted dogs, I knew I was witnessing something profound. This child had the gifts of resiliency and forgiveness. She embodied the mantra, life must go on. 

Resiliency is a quality I both admire and envy. It is surprising how many folks lack the ability to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and start all over again.

What both my girls seem to innately know and understand took me decades to embrace. I spent many years not forgiving and forgetting. This was not directed at others, just myself. I held onto every stupid, thoughtless, and embarrassing thing I ever did. It ate me up. 

Recently, I learned to stop beating myself up for all those things I regretted and just move on. I decided to learn from my mistakes, laugh at my humanness, and be happy with who I am. I truly believe watching my girls go through life with more wisdom than I ever had, woke me. (See how I used the term "woke?" I am so cool.)

My girls began their lives needing to be resilient. If they faltered in their ability to overcome the most of traumatic loss right at the start, moving on to have happy and fulfilling lives would have been extremely tough. 

So many fail to acknowledge or are unable comprehend that infants experience irrevocable grief when they are separated from their birth mother and placed into the loving arms of their forever family. Healing that initial, deep wound becomes a lifelong process.

I wonder, after enduring that immense break in trust, does every bump in the road of their lifelong journey seem smaller? Only they will ever truly know. Though, probably not until they are grown and have the gift of hindsight.

No matter, I marvel at the strength and fortitude of my girls to get over the obstacles, fears, and failures that life throws at them as much as I marvel at some of the things they struggle with. Seriously some pretty weird stuff sets them off.

When Maddie was little, she feared new shoes. Seriously, that girl had to be pinned down by another adult while I jammed a new shoe on her foot as she thrashed, wailed, and screamed bloody murder. The instant the first shoe was on her tiny foot, she calmed enough to admire it. The second shoe went on with no struggle. That is resiliency in its most basic form.

Now, she likes shoes. She saves all her stinky running shoes, placing them back in their boxes once worn to shreds, and stacks them lovingly, on a basement shelf. She visits her shoe shrine to reminisce about the races she ran, won, and lost in each pair. She's weird.

Makena freaks out every time I suggest we watch a new movie. She moans, groans, whines, and resists. I silence her with empty threats or promises of candy. She plops down restless on the couch waiting for her opening to flee. After fifteen minutes she is entranced. Afterward, she proclaims it is her new favorite movie and she knew she would love it. She goes on to watch it countless times memorizing the script and music

So many things happen, big and small, in a week that require one to be resilient. For example, dealing with a child's quirks and random meltdowns for strange reasons. Those who lack the ability to tap into just a little bit of flexibility must truly struggle with happiness and sanity. We can't function holding onto grudges or constantly questioning our decisions or the actions of others. We must forgive and forget.

My girls have modeled resilience in so many ways. They always find a way to make lemonade from lemons and other cliches.

1. I've watched them navigate heartache whether it's young love gone wrong or friendships gone awry. My girls showed me how to heal a heart with grace even though I really wanted to sock the heartbreaking little turds in the nose.

2. I've watched them struggle through problems at school with teachers that were not supportive or classes that were challenging. They fought back with open dialogues, studying more, and asking for help.

3. I've watched them deal with disappointment when they were told no and did not get everything they wanted. Though, I admit they are spoiled rotten and this happens less than it should.

4. I've watched them lose or fail despite putting forth every effort. They allowed themselves to hurt and then set new goals. This helps me to move past the self-pity I feel when my writing has been rejected.

5. I've watched them be pushed to do something that made them scared, uncomfortable, and nervous. This could be as simple as ordering their own food at a restaurant, scheduling their own haircut appointments, going to the store alone, or as complicated as joining track, giving a speech, getting a job. With each first, they get a bit less nervous as their successes stack-up. They are overcoming more fears more quickly. I have to do less and less for them and that is a win, win.

6. I've watched them deal with death growing from not understanding the permanency of loss, to being afraid of falling into an open casket, to comforting others in their grief, to reconciling their own feelings when a loved one dies. Their empathy has evolved beautifully. Makena now engages me in detailed and disturbing dialogues on my death and hers. She really wants me to go first.

7. I've watched them overcome fears of trauma and blood. Maddie no longer runs and hides in the shower with fingers in her ears trembling in fear when she sees a bloody cut. Now she wants to be a doctor. Makena did not even cry when that dog mistook her hand for a treat. She couldn't stop examining her wound while I cringed and ran the other way.

8. I've watched them not even blink when their parents bombard them with sarcastic remarks about every single thing. They have learned to dish out the sarcasm and use witty retorts. I'm so proud

Maybe their resilience comes from necessity. Maybe it comes from experience. Maybe they were born with it. Maybe they are faking it. No matter, I know two girls, one who appreciates a cute shoe and one who is expanding her cinematic tastes beyond High School Musical. It's all good.