Big Choices Little Choices: Think for Yourself

By Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

Who knew that being able to make choices would continue to be so hard well into adulthood? I teach families of young kids to use choices for the purposes of teaching good speech and language skills as well as a way to help kids learn that making the right choice matters.

Somehow, it never gets easier.

The choices we make never really changes except that the stakes are greater the older we get. Toddlers need to choose between what juice, book or movie they want. Adults have to choose between what job, spouse or home they want. At the core, a choice is a choice, but the repercussions of making the wrong choice are much bigger the bigger the person gets.

I recently vacationed with a good friend. We rarely see each other so I was a bit nervous about how we would get along and how we would decide what to do with our time. Would we want to do different things? We would argue, or worse, remain silent and seethe with resentment because we didn’t get to do what each person wanted to? Would we still be friends at the end of our time together?

How would two adults make the choices needed for our trip to be a success?

Once we met at the airport, I Immediately remembered why we are such great friends for 28 years, we love to do the same things. It turned out that making choices was easy. We both wanted to hike easier terrain. We both wanted to read books, float in the pool, eat healthy food and drink wine. We both wanted to relax, not burnout on sightseeing. 

Choices smoices.

Then we had to select a wine for dinner. I wanted an Oregon Pinot Noir she wanted a Napa Cabernet Sauvignon. I know. I know. First world problems. Snobby, elitist issues. But, as  I said, a choice is a choice. In the end, we “compromised” and got the cab sav.

Like choosing a wine, adults make many superficial silly, but very real daily choices.

• What to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner
• Which cereal to pick from the 1,000 on the shelf at the grocery store
• Which dog food to buy
• Which gas station to fill up our cars
• Which color nail polish to apply
• Which TV show, movie or album to listen to
• Which route to take to work

The list is endless. We make a gazillion little choices every single day. But even with these little decisions, if we make the wrong choice it can ruin our day. Take the wrong route to work, you could get stuck in traffic. Get the wrong dog food, your dog gets sick all over the carpet and then your late for work and have to pay for the rug cleaning dude. Buy the wrong gas, your car breaks down.

These small choices, if wrong, can make big problems

Making choices is often influenced by many factors and we do not always have the same choices as our family, friends, neighbors or coworkers. Our choices are shaped by many factors like location, training, opportunity, health, education, fears and even by our sex and race.

You might want to buy the organic, grass-fed meat but you can only afford the processed mass-produced kind. You might want to purchase fresh fruits and veggies for your family but you live in a food desert and only fruit snacks are available in your corner store. You might want to go to Harvard and become a neurosurgeon but you have a D average in school and an intense fear of blood.

In those cases, the choices were shaped by inherent restrictions. Nevetheless, you can count on the need to make some choices that will be challenging to make and will have a lasting impact on your life

Harder and more impactful choices are just as abundant but not needed as frequently.

• Which home to buy or rent
• Which person to marry
• Which job to apply for and accept
• Where to invest your money
• Where to vacation
• Which car to buy or lease
• Which college to apply to and attend
• What to major in at college
• What family and household rules will you enforce with your kids
• Whether or not to get a pet and what kind
• Choosing a Name for kids and pets
• Making decisions about health including doctor, procedures, shots, diet, exercise, etc…

The list of impactful decisions an adult has to make is as long and complicated as the simpler ones. Just when you think you have made them all, something new arises. You can never get away from making choices. All you can do is hope you make the right ones.

If a toddler picks the wrong shoes to wear on a rainy day, he’s got a parent nearby to help him find dry socks and slip on his rubber boots. Conversely, adults usually have to clean up their own messes and that usually means making more choices.

The best advice I can give is to think for yourself.

Keeping a Marriage Afloat with Creative Dating

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

"Just a boy and a girl in a little canoe
And the moon shining all around,
He paddled his paddle so 
You couldn't even hear a sound,
And they talked and they talked
Till the moon grew dim,
He said you better kiss me
Or get out and swim
So what you gonna do in a little canoe
With the moon shinin' all a-
Boats floatin' all a-
Girls swimmin' all around."

Remember those days when the love you had for your life partner was young and fresh? Remember when you were young and fresh? No? Well me neither.

Being together with the man I love for over 20 years has been wonderful, mostly. We had tons of fun when we were kid-free and carefree. We loved to go on adventures. Just get n the car and drive through the countryside looking for antique shops and bars.

We spent many a lazy Saturday afternoon shooting darts at the Coney Island, drinking beers and hanging out with the regulars and our friends. We spent so much time inside, that the sun would blind us we reentered the word, a little drunk but blissfully happy.

Thursday nights, I would rush home from my night lecture on Educational Law, yawn, and join my man on the couch as we watched Must See TV including Friends and ER. We ate fresh tomato pizza and Caesar salad while drinking too much cheap wine.

Oh, that’s how I gained all that weight. Hindsight is 20/20.

Once we married, we tried to keep up our social and dating life. We attended parties, we joined a dart league, we went on vacations. But, the reality was, our dating life began to peter out. We bought a house that needed lots of updating. I found a career that required much of my time. Jim was traveling for work.

Our time apart became more than our time together.

Then we had kids. This meant that we had lots of time together, it just wasn’t the carefree, fun kind of togetherness we once shared. I am not saying kids can’t be fun. We do have lots of memories of having fun with our kids. It’s just that it’s not adulting kind of fun. If I am being honest, it’s more work than fun

Our kids came first, our jobs second, our home third, each other fourth and friends and family kind of just faded away

Because we chose to live far from family, we did not have cheap and easy babysitting available to us. Paying for daycare stripped us of most of our disposable income. Finding time and money to date my husband became increasingly difficult.

In order to keep our relationship alive, we recognized the need to be creative so that we could have time alone doing the things that connected us in the first place. Now that the kids are more or less self-sufficient, sneaking in dates is much easier, but we still use many of these tricks.

Ways to Make Mundane Things Dates:

1.    A trip to my hairdresser can take an hour or two. This is the time that I enjoy away from home where I get to chit-chat with women and share funny stories. My hairdresser has a stocked bar, God bless her. On one occasion when the kids were being particularly difficult, my hubby came with me for my haircut. He sipped a martini while we laughed and commiserated with staff and clientele. Memories were made

2.    Doctor appointments require much time in the waiting room. We have been known to hang out together keeping each other in stitches as we whisper about the other patients or the outdated articles in the periodicals strewn about the waiting room

3.    Early morning fishing trips. We both love to be outdoors and fishing is a favorite hobby. When the kids are still asleep and the mist is still hanging on the lake, we sneak out and spend an hour or two paddling our kayaks and casting our rods. We will forever be competitive with who catches the most fish. Sadly, we rarely catch any. (do this only when the kids are old enough to be alone)

4.    Grocery shopping. Nothing says love like thumping melons. No, actual melons. We slip out on Sunday mornings and visit the local grocery store taking our time perusing the produce and considering the sad seafood options. Sometimes we even look at the bouquets of flowers…so romantic.

5.    Hiking. It’s not often but on rare occasions, I can convince him the take a walk or a hike with me. I get my exercise while spending time catching-up with my hubby. It’s a win-win.

6.    Yard work. Without fail whenever the gardening gloves come out my kids disappear. Even if we work in silence, it's nice having him nearby as I weed and trim and dig and plant. Who else is going to haul away all the scraps?

7.    Sending the kids away. Whether they spend the night at a friend’s, visit family for a week or just go to church, finding time to be alone in the house is golden. We can eat what we want, watch what we want, nap, and just have peace and quiet for a bit.

8.    Football Sunday Browns vs Steelers Though counterintuitive, the rivalry between our teams has brought us closer together. We get so riled up that our kids scatter as we cheer and jeer the teams. Jim cooks loads of football food. We day drink. We play darts. We taunt and razz each other. It is the best time ever!

9.    Visiting with friends and family. Our kids usually have other kids to connect with at these gatherings. We have time to talk with friends and remember what it was like to have a social life. Though we may not spend time with each other, it is nice to get out and talk to other adults. Afterward, we touch base and share stories of our night.

10.  Back to school night and other school-based events. Nothing bonds a couple like being bored at school. Walking around the halls of a school, listening to teachers doing their best to make the classes they teach sound exciting, or suffering through school plays and concerts all spark the realization that you truly love your spouse. The torture of a school event forces you to appreciate the little things, even the things that annoy, about each other because anything is better than where you are at.

Early on in our relationship, we realized that we had to make accommodations to ensure that we survived the ups and downs of married life. There was a time when we could not get into a functional rhythm when we paddled our canoe. We were going in circles and barely containing our fury. It felt like our love was going to sink along with the boat we nearly crashed. Knowing that marriage is fragile and we had to be proactive to keep us afloat, we decided to put a motor on our canoe.

In every marriage, there will be times where you love and admire your spouse and times you want to strangle him or her. By making time and taking time to date, even if it is paddling side by side in kayaks because the motor let you down, then by golly do it.

The Goldfinch: The Book I Wanted to Just Fly Away

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

The Goldfinch is a book I loved and then hated. Before even opening the book, I was skeptical as the subject was not one that interested me. I had read about the author, Donna Tartt, in a magazine promoting one of her other novels. When I searched for the audio version of that book on my Overdrive app, it was not available. Since The Goldfinch was, I decided to give it a listen.

The book began by capturing my heart with the rich character development of Theo. The first-person storytelling allowed the reader to dive deep into the main character’s mind from the very beginning. The dialogues from Theo’s perspective were enhanced with the details and scenery he meticulously described. Tartt did a fantastic job of taking this story to another level which enticed and engaged me. I never remembered that the plot was uninteresting to me. I wanted to know the characters better.

I spent the first half of the book becoming immersed in Theo’s tragic life and the tragic lives of all the people who he encountered. Then, slowly but steadily, all the tragedy became overwhelmingly gloomy and dark.

At some point, Tartt stopped telling a story and started painting a picture. The detail that I admired so much in the first half of the book became cumbersome and overdone in the second. Paragraph after paragraph, page after page were dedicated to illustrating the mood or the setting or the character's appearance. So much time was spent on describing, that I forgot what was happening with the story. I forgot what was happening with the characters. 

Even a simple dialogue exchange was lost in the middle of adjective after adjective after moody adjective.

Because I was listening to and not reading the book, I did not have the luxury of flipping through the pages of description to find out how a sentence or thought ended. It was tedious and torturous.

I stopped loving the book. I began dreading the book. I was over 400 pages in and wanted to know how the story resolved so I suffered sifting through all the fancy words and darkness to find the point.

As I listened to Theo agonize through the bulk of his life, I wanted to be his cheerleader. I wanted to like him. I wanted to like someone, anyone in this book. Aside from his mentor and father figure Hobie, I found none of the people who touched Theo’s life likable. I despised them all.

Hour after hour, day after day listening to this laboriously long tale, I was overcome with the feelings of sadness and doom. These hopeless and helpless characters darkened my days. The fact that I refused to stop the audio feed and that I actually renewed the book from the library, says something. But, what? Am I glutton for punishment? Or, is the author so good that she convinced me that deep down I really loved this book?

I admire the literary depth and heft of this novel. The author did a phenomenal job comprising the prose to create the mood and foreshadowing. I truly felt like I was there with Theo and Boris, I just didn’t want to be there. I felt like I could see the art and the architecture. I felt sick and miserable all the times Theo did. I felt sad and lost and lonely. Even on the rare sunny days here, I felt dark and dismal as I drove listening to David Pittu narrate the story using his gift of acting to create distinct voices and accents for each miserable character in Theo’s life.

I suppose for those of you who love an epic, well written, moody tale about how a person’s life can be permanently derailed by fate, The Goldfinch is for you. I understand why it won the Pulitzer Prize for fiction, it’s just not my cup of tea.

Wishing for Not Waiting for Retirement

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

I remember thinking college would never end. I loved being a college student but the six-plus years it took to get my hands on that diploma felt like forever. Then, almost suddenly, I had that degree and was faced with adulting.

No more student loans to pay the bills. No more part-time jobs to fund the beer. I had to get a job. No, I had to get a career. I had to become a grown-up.

In reality, this was not too hard because I started school late so I was nearly thirty by the time I had my credentials to be a real-life certified speech-language pathologist. Even my title sounded grown-up.

By then I was married and buying my first house. I still live in my first house. I say it's my “first house” because I fully intend on owning a second house, though probably not simultaneously. Speech-language pathologist might sound fancy, but the pay does not live up to the title.

"Why do I find myself counting the days until I retire?"

I worked hard to create my career. I studied hard and shone in my academic life. I found work that satisfied me personally and professionally. I nearly tripled my meager starting salary in my two decades of diligent and good work.

I reinvented myself from a treating therapist adding an educator, author and evaluator to my resume. I have been mentored by awesome cohorts and have mentored others in my field. I have made connections and friendships with amazing, intelligent and kind folks who have been my cheerleaders and support system.

The past two decades as a professional SLP have been extremely rewarding and satisfying. I consider myself blessed and lucky to have found work that makes me a better person and that I truly love

I hesitate to say it, but I feel like I am good at my job. So, why do I find myself counting the days until I can retire? When does that switch flip? At what point do we go from being career driven go-getters to daydreamers and schemers for permanent rest and relaxation?

"Quicker than I imagined, I'm ready for the next phase."

Wanting a career drove me through all those grueling years of college. After I walked down the aisle and crossed the stage with my gold and maroon summa cum laude sash draped over my black academic dress, the dean flipped the tassel on my mortarboard as he handed me my 100,000-dollar diploma. I was ready to tackle the world.

I wanted to be a successful professional who made a difference in the world. I didn’t want to be rich, just comfortable. I wanted to have a nice home, a family and vacations in beautiful places. I achieved those things and twenty years later I’m looking forward to retirement

Quicker than I imagined, I’m just ready for the next phase.

I don’t want to be older, I just want the benefits of being older before my body starts to fall apart more than it already has. With each creak and pop from my aging bones and ligaments, I hear a corresponding clock ticking. It used to be that career women were haunted by that biological clock ticking away. With more women having babies in their 40’s and even 50’s, I think the retirement clock looms larger and more ominous in the soundtrack of our lives.

"I know the future is unpredictable."

We are living longer which, I suppose, has benefits for some. For most, it’s not so great. We need to work longer to afford to live longer. Though science has made it possible for us to stay alive until we are 80, 90 or even 100 plus years old, what is the quality of that life?

I am witnessing the folks from mother’s generation navigate retirement. While many are having a grand time, most are spending their days off in doctor’s offices, hospitals and even worse, funeral homes. If they aren’t going to the doctor, they are taking a friend or family member to the doctor. They are burying their parents, friends and siblings.

To add insult to injury, these hardworking, money hoarding, intelligent people are trying to figure out how to pay for what their lousy government issued insurance doesn’t cover. Many have to decide what is more important: medicine for their ailments, food, mortgage, taxes, insurance, heat and the list goes on.

It’s scary!

At the relatively young age of forty-nine, I am contemplating my life and my financial choices. I am writing this as I sit looking at a view from atop the peak in the Laurel Highlands. I am in awe of the vast landscape that travels all the way to Pittsburgh more than 60 miles away. This trip is a splurge. It is something that my logical mind knows I should not be doing because we have things to pay for.

My realistic mind prevails as I know that the future is unpredictable. I have lived a hard life. I have not always taken care of myself. My future health will most likely not be good based on my choices and my love of wine and at one time my love of cigarettes. Though I live a pretty healthy life now, the damage is done.

"I will allow myself these little indulgences..."

I have a job and so does my husband. Our decent living affords us to enjoy our now. I don’t have to wait for retirement to explore the world and indulge myself for a day and a night in a beautiful locale drinking mediocre wine as I watch the sunset over a city set in a valley far in the distance.

Who knows when I will actually retire. I do know, if I wait until then to have fun and enjoy life, I’ll probably regret my missed opportunities as I try to lie still in an MRI tube or sit several times a month for hours in some doctor’s office waiting to be prescribed some pill I can’t afford.

I want to spend the last third of my life in my second house which will be on a lake in some artsy town with good food. I will relax on my deep porch or at my sunny window writing more essays or books as I watch the birds dive for the fish my husband is trying to catch from his boat in the early mornings. I will sip coffee in the morning as I watch the sunrise from our dock and red wine in the evening as it sets over our house.

Until then I will allow myself these little indulgences and even bigger ones because I can. I will float in a pool nestled into the ground at a mountain inn after sunset while I sip wine and stargaze. 

So yes barkeep, I will have another. Cheers!