Thank You, I'm Not Sorry

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

If you are like me, you overuse the phrase “I’m sorry.” I apologize for everything, at least I used to. I'd apologize for not being available to work extra shifts. I'd apologize for having to turn down an invite to a party. I even apologized to my wall for accidentally bumping into it.That’s when I knew that the meaning and purpose of “I’m sorry” had been lost.

My daughter also overuses “I’m sorry.” She is a habitual user. She yells and whines “I’m sorry” constantly. The varying inflections she uses differentiate true remorse from annoyance from defiance. She drops more “I’m sorry” bombs in a single day than any person should need to use in a lifetime. Of course, my other daughter apologizes for nothing, so I suppose it’s a wash.

When I realized my daughter started apologizing for everything she did or said, it caused me to think about my own “I’m sorry” dependence. It also started a conversation about when we should be saying “I’m sorry” and when we should not.

My daughter tends to use that ubiquitous phrase to get out of trouble or express frustration. To teach her of the true purpose of the phrase, I created a mantra to help her remember the rule: “I’m sorry means that I truly regret what I did or said. I will work hard to never do or say that thing again.”

Her habitual and knee jerk use of “I’m sorry” has deemed it a garbage term. She uses it to gloss over her bad behavior. She is not remorseful for her decisions and actions. Rather, she is upset she got busted.

Her constant misuse of this phrase of contrition made me recognize that I too misuse the expression. Why would I apologize for not being available for work or social dates? I did nothing wrong. I just can’t be there because I have allotted that time for something or someone else. Why would I apologize to a wall when it clearly was in the wrong for being in my way? Plus, walls have no feelings so, there’s that.

I have heard and read that women apologize more than men. This, I believe, is true. Women who don’t soften their words, directives or denials with an “I’m sorry” are called the “B” word. While men who use the term are considered weak. What a world.

Things For Which Women Apologize

1. The weather: As in, “I’m sorry it is raining. I thought this would be a perfect day for our family picnic.” This apology negates all the work she did to organize and plan the family picnic. She apparently has taken responsibility the high and low pressure systems as well as who is to bring the potato salad or brownies.

2. Asking questions: As in “I’m sorry for asking, but how do I operate this voting machine?” This apology negates the fact that she is trying to mark the ballot correctly so she doesn’t inadvertently vote for the dolt on the ticket. Don’t forget today is election day!

3. Reacting emotionally: As in “I’m sorry I’m crying.” This apology takes away from the fact that she has emotions or feels pain, sheesh.

4. Changing her mind: As in, “I’m sorry, I think I’ll have the salmon instead of the pasta.” This apology overlooks the fact that she saw the salmon delivered to the table beside her, and it looked delicious.

5. Asking for help: As in, “I’m sorry, but could you please help me open the door while I carry in the 92 grocery bags form the car?” This apology overlooks the fact that, yes she is a super human, but even she has limitations.

6. Someone else’s behavior: As in, “I’m so sorry my neighbor blocked your car on the road, so you can’t pull out.” This apology overlooks the fact that the mean and vindictive neighbor could use a good dose of her own medicine. Sorry for that rant, but she really is an a**hole.

7. Looking disheveled: As in, “I’m sorry I look like I just woke-up.” This apology supposes that the woman actually has the luxury of getting sleep. She is running a house, raising kids, volunteering at school, working two jobs, maintaining her friendships, caring for her aging parents, and so much more. There is no time for sleep let alone showers, ironing clothes and putting on lip gloss.

8. Not doing a chore someone else completed: As in, “I’m sorry for not emptying the dishwasher.” This apology negates the fact that she loaded the dishwasher, scrubbed the pans, counters and stove top, washed and folded the laundry, cleaned the bathrooms and vacuumed the house in the same amount of time it took him to put away the odd sized baking dish

9. Apologizing: As in, “I’m so sorry for being sorry.” This apology is just crazy but we all do it

Women apologize for practically everything. I for one have had enough. I am making a conscious effort to stop my random and inexplicable apologizing.

I am not sorry for every little thing. I am learning to replace my apologies with a “thank you” whenever possible. A well placed “thank you” makes me appear strong and kind. It makes the recipient feel appreciated, not guilty. Yes, a wrongly used “I’m sorry” can appear passive aggressive and make another feel responsible for my inexplicable regret.

I will continue to apologize when a heartfelt expression of remorse is warranted. I will admit fault. I will express my regrets. I will hope for forgiveness, but not expect it. I will aim to do better and not make the same mistake twice. I will learn from my mistakes.

Reasons to apologize

• True regret for a wrong doing
• Mending fences and keeping relationships strong
• Being late. There is no excuse, not even traffic, for being late. (I realize this is my pet peeve but seriously always leave early to ensure a timely arrival. Making people wait for you is so rude.)
• Lighten your load of guilt
• Owning your flaws
• Opening yourself to the respect of others
• Teaching others (especially children) to have remorse and own their decisions and actions 

Not feeling the need to say, “I’m sorry” for basic day to day happenings has actually made me happier, and it has strengthened my self-respect. Expressing gratitude instead of remorse is a much better way to live. Give it a try.