Lying Liar, Liar-Pants

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

Nose as Long as a Telephone Wire

(There is much debate on the lines subsequent to the first one)

Disclaimer: I will not reference my oldest daughter’s lies due to the fact that she reads this blog. If my youngest daughter ever makes an effort to support my writing, I will stop shaming her, maybe.

While doing laundry the other day I thought (for one misguided moment) that a liar’s pants really do catch on fire. Surely that would explain why I folded only one lonely pair of my daughters underpants when seven whole days have passed and she promised she "puts on new ones everyday." Believing that was easier than embracing the dirty truth. Enough said.

Her lies come in such rapid fire abundance that, some days, I feel like I should carry a fire extinguisher for when her overlapping lies cause her to self-combusts. Instead, I rely on perspective and a sense of humor to battle the lies. Oh, who are we kidding, most days I erupt with stern “talking to’s” which evolve to yelling and pacing and tearing at my hair.

She lies so frequently that I actually hear (in her whining intonations) “sorry” more than “mom.” For you non-moms out there, that is A LOT!

A Mom hears "Mom" 300 times a day!click for more info

Inevitably, her “sorry” is followed up with the knee jerk, “I didn’t know.” These words make my blood boil. I tersely explain through gritted teeth for the millionth, no billionth time the definition of sorry and that she did “know” she just chose to ignore the rules.

The lies are thinly veiled and, quite frankly, ridiculous. Her lies are so ridiculous that I often feel embarrassed for her and her amateur deceptions. Clearly, I am not raising her to be street smart. For example, she tells me she ate every last bite of her lunch as I am unpacking her lunch box and all the food I packed for her that morning. How blind and stupid does she think I am? That is a rhetorical question.

Over the years she has gotten away with several of her lies, but she must know that I eventually discover the truth and there are always consequences! (Clearly I have not found an effective consequence as she continues to lie to me daily).

Uneffective Consequences for Lying:

1. Yelling (Still not working but I am determined to keep at it. If nothing else it releases my stress.)
2. Shaming (i.e Facebook post. She just likes the infamy.)
3. Denying access to preferred objects or foods (Leads to stealing and stealthy trips to the corner store using her birthday money to buy bags of cookies.)
4. Teasing (As in, eating her favorite foods in front of her with exaggerated joy while denying her even the tiniest taste. This is the most effective way to make her cry.)
5. Seclusion (She just talks and sings on the top of her lungs driving us nuts.)
6. Hard labor (She is lousy at housework. Even worse she sings and makes it a fun game for herself.)
7. Reading up on the health risks associated with the lie.(Leads to lots of questions I am not prepared to answer.)
8. Crying, begging, pleading (Even then she won’t stop. Those aren’t my best parenting moments plus I end up with puffy eyes and blotchy skin.)
9. Logical discussions (These don’t exist with her. She does not operate on logic.)
10. Therapy and other medical interventions (We don’t have enough time to discuss these dead ends.)

When Kids Start to Lie Click for a link

I am not sure when her lies started, probably around age 3. However, I am certain the very first lies revolved around food as this is what the bulk of her current lies are about.

The latest chain of lies involved the the rotting corpse smell coming from her backpack. First, she insisted it was not her backpack that smelled. Then, she said the zippers were broken and I could not access the pocket in question. Next, she said nothing was in it. Finally, upon discovering weeks worth of her stashed uneaten lunch foods gone moldy, putrid, and petrified, she insisted she didn’t know how they got there. Flabbergasted, I asked her why she just didn’t ditch the evidence in the garbage cans at school. Seriously, this girl needs to work on her subterfuge.

Other Dumb Lies

• She “tricked” me into believing she threw-up by throwing water on the carpet and putting crunched up soggy food in the “puke” bucket.
• Self-care like brushing teeth, putting on deodorant, and bathing, as if her the smells emanating from her aren’t giveaways
• Putting away her clean clothes by throwing them into the closet.
• Insisting she is not going online as I look at the search history.
• Reporting she walked the dog after I watched her stand in the driveway for 10 minutes.
• She insists she puts on clean underwear every day even though I do the laundry and can count.

Though all of these things are easily refuted, she insists she did as she was told hoping that on that day, in that moment, I am too tired, busy, or distracted to notice. Many times I am and she gets away with hiding the empty boxes and bags of food she secreted under her bed. Eventually, the dog rats her out by burrowing under there to slurp-up the remains alerting me to her deceptions.

Just like I tell her every time she is caught, tired and lazy does not mean stupid. Even if I am too old to always remember her name and my my age, I can still count, and one pair of underpants is not the same as seven. Right? (Did I mention I am a tired aging mom?)