Raising Children Without a Village

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

The ubiquitous African proverb from the Igbo or Yoruba tribes of modern day Nigeria, “It takes a village to raise a child,” is commonly uttered for a reason, it is true. Unfortunately, I scoffed at its insights prior to becoming a mother. Had I heeded its wisdom, I may have made different choices. I may have relocated closer to family.

"We felt that our community of friends and neighbors would be all the support system we required."

Some days I am drowning in the needs of my family. Most days I can tread through all that is required of me to be a good wife and mother. But then, those days roll-in where I am crashing in the waves of need, unable to catch my breath before the next one hits. I search for a lifeguard.

When my husband and I decided to raise children away from our families (the closest family is 2-3 hours away), we thought we could handle it. We thought it might be easier without overbearing or overcaring grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins trying to tell us how to raise our kids. Boy, were we wrong.

We felt that our community of friends and neighbors would be all the support system we required. We believed that periodic visits to our respective families would maintain a bond between our kids and them. We knew we could ask our families to come here on occasion to watch the children while we got some much-needed R and R. We knew we could bring the children to them if they couldn’t come here. We didn’t know that we were kidding ourselves.

We forgot some very important facts. First, our families have lives of their own. They can’t just drop things to be here or there whenever we beckon. Second, our parents are getting older. They are not as capable of handling little ones as they were for their own children. Third, some family is just not as supportive as others. Some grandparents refuse to change diapers. Finally, distance loosens the familial bonds.

Once I had children of my own, I became aware of the fact that when children are raised in the same town as extended family a natural pattern of visits and care evolves. Those families form a deep and reciprocal connection. It is easier to go out to dinner with your husband when grandma lives two blocks away and can pop in for two hours in the middle of the week.

Leaving the children with trusted family feels right and comfortable. Less worry and stress concerning the babysitter, means fun nights out with the spouse that aren’t fraught with worry about whether the sitter can handle the quirks and needs of your child. Plus, family care is usually free.

Of course, you pay in other ways. Grandparents like to shirk the family rules. To put it bluntly, they tend to spoil their grandbabies with sugar and toys. Some family will loosen the rules while others will feel free to criticize how you parent, offering unsolicited advice. It is all done with love, but can be annoying nonetheless.

With the distance, family support often becomes more problematic than helpful. The time commitment involved in travel for spending a few nights can be hard to schedule. Kids become homesick. Family becomes overwhelmed with trying to meet the needs of kids who are not wholly familiar with them. The stress of the entire arrangement often negates any benefits from having alone time with your spouse or the bonding between the kids and extended family.

Friends and neighbors graciously offer support when this problem comes up in conversation. “You can always ask me” is a generous offer and sentiment echoed time and again. There have been times I have taken these good friends up on their charitable offers of free babysitting. More times than not, I shy away from asking. I don’t want to take advantage of them. It is so much easier to take advantage of family than friends, right?

Perhaps if a friend called and said, “Bring the kids over Friday to hang with me. I’ll make them dinner and we’ll watch a movie while you and Jim go out. I’ll keep them until 10:00pm. I won’t take no for an answer.” Now that, I would never refuse.

Of course, I would totally reciprocate that kindness. Friends have their own families and worries, and do not need to add my load of need on top of theirs, at least not regularly. For me, the problem lies in the fact that one of my children has intense needs. She struggles with mood swings and emotional responses that I can barely handle, and I know her better than anyone.

"We wouldn’t have to replace the sugar so often."

Unfortunately, because of her intense needs and mood swings, my husband and I require a break more often than I can comfortably ask for help. As I said, it often feels as if we are drowning and we are grasping for a life preserver regularly. To be honest, there has not been a long line of people begging “pick me, please pick me” to take care of our amazing, sweet girls for a few nights.

In the past we relied on daycare and summer camp to help us care for them as we worked. Now, my girls are too old for daycare. No after school programs for kids of working middle schoolers exist. While my older daughter finds ways to keep herself busy with friends and hobbies, my younger daughter uses her idle time to break rules and eat bags of sugar.

Asking a friend to watch my tween in the middle of the work day is impractical. Like me, my friends have jobs. If we lived close to grandma, the issue could be solved. If we had a village, life would be so much easier, and we wouldn’t have to replace the sugar so often.

Fortunately, my husband and I have a strong commitment to each other and our children. We have become experts at navigating the waters of our crazy life. When the waters get rough, we know we can ask for help. Most of the time our family and friends respond to our SOS signals. However, it can’t be denied that having a village just on shore would calm the swirling seas that make-up our life.