By Elizabeth Redhead Kriston
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| image plucked from //axtschmiede.com/regrets/ |
Social media is a hotbed of misunderstandings. A while back I got into a war of words over the concept of living without regret. After responding to a family member who was feeling regretful for a bad decision, I attempted to show her some support by proposing this cousin let go of her regret and embrace the lessons she learned. Appalled and misunderstanding my intent, my uncle made his feelings known. His mistake was confusing regret with remorse.
There is a difference.
Regret is more about wishing you hadn’t done something and trying to avoid negative consequence for yourself. Remorse leads to deep sorrow, guilt and then a confession and apology. Remorse guides you to make amends for wrongs done. Regret just makes you feel bad about your self and wallow in self-pity
I have allowed myself to wallow in regrets. I saw a meme not long ago that said something like,
Dear person, If I, in anyway, made you feel awkward or uncomfortable by what I said or did, just know I will think about it everyday for the next 50 years.
That describes me to a T. At least the old me.
I’ll admit that this older me does far fewer things that I might feel regretful about than the younger old me. The young me was nervous and unsure about everything. My low self-esteem made me awkward and stupid. I rarely took the time to think before I acted or spoke.
This made for many a faux pas that got me in hot water and even cost me some friendships.
Sometimes my regrets morphed into remorse. More times than not it just made me sad and anxious and cost me precious sleep at night.
When my actions were bad enough that I hurt another person, I immediately felt remorse. With remorse, I would undoubtedly apologize and try to make amends. With regrets, I just hid and hoped no one noticed.
I regretted many things. Mostly little things that really had no impact on anyone or anything aside from my self-worth and self-confidence. Once I recognized that, I decided to take control. I decided to view regrets differently.
Learn From Mistakes
Rather than try to undo the minor infractions and punish myself for being human. I decided to learn from my mistakes. I even tried to laugh and my ignorance and innocence.
Regret:
Once I asked a guy I knew, who played in a Reggae band, “Are you packing your Jimmy Hat for the concert?” In my mind, a Jimmy Hat was a brightly colored knit cap that Rastafarians wore. I thought I was being clever and cute. He looked shocked and amused as he said, “I guess so, why?” Confused by the look he gave me, I realized I had made a major error. Later, I learned that a Jimmy Hat is not worn on the head, well not the one atop person’s neck anyway.
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| This is not a Jimmy Hat |
I regretted this little error and let it eat away at me for years. Seriously, for years I would recall this incident and burn with embarrassment like it had just happened. What a waste of time and energy!
This was not the only incident that resurfaced causing me to become full of anxiety and self-loathing. Like everyone else, I had hundreds maybe even thousands of things I had done or said since I was a kid that ate away at me.
Regret vs. Remorse
In middle school, I fractured my ankle. I spent a few weeks on crutches and my classmates helped me lug my books up and down the steps as we changed classes. For picture day my mom bought me my first pair of heels. The day before picture day I was still using crutches. When I showed up to school wearing heels the next day, it did not go unnoticed. This was a regretful choice on my part and I have never done that since but neither have I broken a body part since, but I am sure I have learned from that mistake. Full disclosure: I never wear heels so there is that too.
A few months later another girl was on crutches for a broken leg. None of us helped her carry her books up and down the steps. When she approached me and pointed out the injustice, I ignored her. (I have revealed in past blogs that I was a middle school asshole and this proves it). I grew remorseful about this and I hope I apologized but can’t remember. If you are reading this, I am so sorry Vicky N!
Something had to give.
If I did not take control of my penchant for feeling regret daily, I would implode and end up in the loony bin. Now I regret saying looney bin. That has to be a term that is no longer sensitive. Oh crap. Now I feel remorseful for the people I have hurt by writing loony bin. I’m sorry. I promise I won’t write loony bin again. Starting...now!
See, I have learned to turn my remorse into learning experiences and as an opportunity to improve myself, to become a better person. I decided to dust off my ego and realize that most people do not remember my day to day mistakes and have their own regrets to lament. They have no time to replay my minor infractions in basic acceptable behavior and judge me.
I wish I knew that years ago.
Had I known this years ago, I would have slept more. I would have fewer wrinkles and smaller bags under my eyes. I would have put more energy into growing and learning and enjoying life.
I still have a lot of years to live and I look forward to spending less time regretting and more time living in the moment. I choose to learn from my mistakes and learn new things like what a Jimmy Hat is.
This is going to be a great new chapter because if I don't change I will end up in the madhouse. Is that better than loony bin? Oh crap! Okay, starting.....now.
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