Adoption Myth VIII: Adoption is Only for the Wealthy

By: Elizabeth Redhead-Kriston

Every child deserves to hold a parent's hand. You have the power to make that possible. If you ever considered adoption but changed your mind due to the fears perpetuated by the myths of adoption, I am here to tell you the truths as I know them.

Over 100,000 American Children Wait for Homes

Click Here for Info on Foster-Adoption

When my husband and I realized that pregnancy was not in the cards and that our family was meant to be born from adoption, we were worried about the costs we assumed were involved in all adoptions. We had just spent copious amounts of money on unsuccessful infertility treatments and were still establishing ourselves career wise. We barely had enough money for groceries let alone for adoption fees. Just like most young couples, we were strapped with student loans, car payments, and a mortgage. Coming up with thousands and thousands of dollars would have been challenging.

Click here to learn more about costs for adoption

However, we were still young and daring enough to take a chance; to roll the dice. So, we moved forward and did the leg work and research to make it possible for us to become parents. We searched the internet, read pamphlets, and talked to people. We looked into international adoption as well as private adoption within the USA. We considered putting ads in the paper and we began spreading the word. One of the pieces of advice we read and heard repeatedly was to tell everyone you know and encounter that you want to adopt. You never know who might be the connection to your next baby.

Meanwhile, I was working in a career that connected me with infants, toddlers, and the families who cared for them. As fate would have it, I began providing early intervention services to a young child who resided with a foster family. I got to know this lovely family and the children they fostered very well. Through my experience and conversations with them, I learned more about foster care and the foster-adopt option that I had overlooked and not included in my research.

Like so many would-be parents before me, this option scared me. Concerns about the children in foster care are common. It is assumed all of the children in care have been hurt and have complex physiological, psychological, medical, educational, and//or emotional needs. It never occurred to me that:

1. Any child who is born could have complex needs. Foster children are not the only ones who may require more of our attention
2. I have the skills, education, and ability to be, at the minimum, a competent and loving parent to any child.
3. Not all children in the foster care system have any of those needs.
4. All children deserve a forever family.

Once I was willing to accept those realities, I was able to open my heart and mind to the foster-adopt option. As I researched this option further, it was revealed to me that adopting children using this track is low-cost or free. Additionally, children who are adopted from foster care are often eligible for subsidies including free, state issued healthcare.

What’s an adoption subsidy?

"Ninety-one percent of the children adopted from foster care in 2014 qualified to receive an ongoing subsidy because they met their state’s definition for “special needs.” (In 2013-14, those families received an average of $782 per month.) The purposes of adoption subsidies are to remove the financial barriers that may prevent a family from adopting from foster care, and to ensure that a child’s special needs are met until he becomes an adult, between the ages of 18 and 22, depending on the state." (https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/how-to-adopt/foster-care-adoption/adopting-from-foster-care/)

The subsidies were not a deal maker or breaker for us. However, subsidies provide low income would-be parents who want to have a family with the financial support they require to provide the necessities of daily living for their children. We all know that love and attention are not enough to raise happy, healthy, and well-adjusted children. Children need secure home and family environments in which to flourish.

I realize that pessimists exist and that thanks to the mainstream media, we Americans tend to distrust any systems that offer lower income families money. How often have your heard or even thought, “They are just fostering for the money.” Or, “They only adopted that kid because they get a check each month.” That cynical train of thought is harsh and more times than not, untrue.

When we brought our girls home and while they remained in adoptive placement (similar to foster care) they were eligible for free formula and food. Though we could have found the income to cover the cost, we remembered that those systems exist for a purpose. Bringing a child who has already lost so much into your home and heart is stressful for all. We welcomed relief from the fiscal stress of caring for our child(ren). 

click here

The first time I went to the local market with my WIC checks in-hand I felt uncomfortable. The way the system works makes it blatantly obvious to anyone around you in the checkout line that you are using a form of government subsidies to pay. I felt the eyes of my judgmental neighbors boring into my back. I could sense their disapproving head shakes and annoyance. Not only was I using their taxes to pay but their wait in line was going to be a minute longer because of me. After the first few times I just stared back, smiling as I thought of my baby at home who I would get to hold and feed in just a few minutes. Nobody was going to take my joy from me.

As we proceeded through the process of becoming adoptive parents through the foster-adopt system, we attended all of the classes we needed for free. We had our home-study completed for free. All of the legal fees were covered. Our only costs involved paperwork and criminal record checks. We were able to adopt our two beautiful infant girls and grow our family without the stress of finding the money to cover the exorbitant fees of the other adoption avenues.

Whatever path you choose will be the best one for you. My purpose is to let you know that if you open your mind to foster children, you might be able to make your dreams of a family come true and make the dreams of a child come true. You have the power to give them a hand to hold for life.

What are the barriers you face with adoption? Do you have helpful information about adoption fees and costs? 

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More Resources

National Adoption Council on Adoptable Children

Adopt US Kids

Boxes and Bags and Bins of Toys: Finding the Perfect Gift

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

I cannot deny it any longer. The holiday season is upon us. Parents, grandparents, and loved ones are searching the internet, toy catalogs, and stores for the perfect gifts for the beloved children in their lives. Inevitably, these toys will require batteries and will claim to be "educational." I argue that the opposite is true. I want to help you re-imagine the “perfect” gift.

One of the great things about my job is that I visit homes and work with families one on one. Over the years I have learned and seen how families play and interact with their children. One common denominator is the existence of toys, sometimes lots of toys, mountains of toys, boxes and bags and bins of toys.

Predictably, these toys sing, squawk, talk, roar, beep, and screech. Sometimes they make these sounds mysteriously from the bottom of the toy box in the middle of the night. I have seen puzzles that make sounds, books that have noise making buttons, baby dolls that cry, and even motorized bubble wands. No toy is off limits from the mighty microchip.

Back in 1996 I should have bought stock in battery companies because I would be rich! That was the year that the original Tickle Me Elmo entered our lives. I once read that Tickle Me Elmo was the very first successfully marketed toy to contain a microchip. The wild success of this toy triggered a trend that has evolved over the years.

Toy makers everywhere have developed countless toys that make noise and are animated in increasingly more sophisticated ways. These toys are often marketed as “learning” toys. Many of these toys do have value. For example, infants may respond to the lights, movements, and songs of cause and effect toys more effectively than inanimate toys. However, toddlers and preschoolers are potentially losing out on some critical brain development opportunities thanks to these attractive toys.

These toys essentially rob children of the joy of using their imaginations. The sounds and actions built into the toys can actually limit the world of possibilities that toys once offered. If the cow already says "moo," then why should the child say moo? These toys might be keeping children from practicing sounds or saying words.

At the same time that children are mesmerized by the lights and sirens of the obnoxiously loud fire trucks in the toy box, parents are barely maintaining their sanity because of the plethora of unnatural noises that are bombarding their ears daily. Bank accounts are dwindling across the country as parents feel pressure to buy these expensive “interactive learning toys.” 

The irony is that the best interactive learning toy a child can have is free. It is right in front of them several hours a day. It is that very mom and dad who supplies them with all of these toys. In response to this state of play or non-play that we parents currently find our kids, I wrote the following poem. Please enjoy:

Boxes and Bags and Bins of Toys

Boxes and bags and bins of toys.

 Every single one of them makes a noise

Phones that ring; brown cows that moo.
The baby dolls eat and then even go poo.

The horse on a stick says cloppity-click.
Even the barn makes sounds for the chick.

No need to peddle their trike or toy car
Because the battery inside takes them far.

Bubbles blown with battery operated fans.
Maybe next year they won’t need to use hands.

Touch a screen with a finger to draw anything.
Chemical soaked paper lets them paint with no ink.

Sometimes I think all this technology stinks.
The toy makers won’t give kids a chance to think.

The tea pots gurgle, whistle, and sing a fun tune.
The toy kitchens sizzle and boil when you stir the spoon.

Play-Doh factories have molds and cookie cutters.
With all this ready-made stuff kid’s brains start than sputter.

What happened to creativity?
These toys eliminate spontaneity!

Our kids don’t have to imagine or be unique.
Their future is beginning to look a bit bleak.

Our kids have one chance to grow their young brains,

To see the possibility of all it can attain.

Encourage them to use all of their strengths,
To exercise their minds to all of its lengths.

Give them toys that develop imagination.
Then play with them and be their inspiration.

Be silly and sweet and show them how to play.
Making the time will improve your day.

Your child will develop a better mind and bigger heart.
All you need is a book, a toy, and a hug to start.

For more insight on this topic click here

TOY LIST

All of these toys encourage the development of imaginative/pretend play. Remember, the less the toy does or says for your child the more your child will think, act, and talk. Most of the recommended toys do not require batteries.

Click Here

Many box stores offer wooden toy collections. Melissa & Doug have a wonderful selection of toys for young children. I typically direct families to smaller toys stores so they do not get overwhelmed. I have found that stores like TJ Maxx, Marshalls, and Ross Dress for Less often have a great selection of toys and books for slightly less money than other stores. Always look in the clearance section first.

Before shopping, carefully consider your child’s developmental age, his or her skill level, and safety/choking concerns. This is not a complete list, but it should get you started. If you must, take batteries out of toys before gifting them. I promise your child will not miss them.

 _______________________________________________________________________

Wooden blocks of different shapes and sizes                       

Lego’s, Duplo’s or Mega Blocks

Lincoln Logs                                                               

Mr. or Mrs. Potato Head

Baby Dolls and accessories                                      

Little people                                                                

Plastic animals or people

Hand or finger puppets                             

Sandbox

Modeling dough or clay                                             

Play kitchens

Doll houses                                                        

Action figures and accessories

Books                                                                    

Water table

Child safe mirror                                                        

Bubbles

Echo microphones                                                     

Tea set

Pretend food                                                              

Toy farm and accessories                 

Pound a Ball/Ramp toys                                            

Dr. kit

Felt board                                                                   

Magnet board with scene

Board games                                                             

Toy tools

Cars, trucks, planes, trains                    

Craft kits

Dress up clothes                               

Books for science experiments

Art supplies                                     

Kid cookbooks

Toy telephone                                      

Music

Linking or snap together toys

Musical instruments

Taking Time to Recharge and Appreciate the Little Things

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

photo by Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

In anticipation of a much needed respite, I am posting a poem I wrote years ago while on the most relaxing vacation I ever had. It is so easy to get wrapped up in all the responsibilities of being an adult. We put so many things first: our kids, our jobs, our spouses, our friends, our homes, and the list goes on.

Those things are important and they make us whole. They make our lives special and unique and important. However, it becomes easy to start drowning in all of that. Before we know it, we begin to suffocate under all the pressure to be present for everyone else and we realize we need a minute to learn to how to breath deep again.

I urge all of you to recognize your importance. I encourage you to take time for yourself. If you lose yourself and your ability to breath, you will be no good to everything and everyone else that is important in your life. It is not selfish to put yourself first from time to time. In fact, I argue, that it is selfless.

So take the time to re-energize your body, mind, and spirit. Take some time to appreciate the little things in life. Take some time and enjoy my poem.

Camping

by: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

Photo by: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

Windows down, wind whirring, rushing, whipping through our hair.
Music from our favorite radio station fades into snowy noise.

Leaving the buildings and billboards behind.
A smattering of barns, houses, and hay bales appear.

Oceans of cement and pavement replaced by green fields and blue skies.
No more people or cars clutter the streets. Cows and trees line the roads.

A river bends and winds switching sides of the car.
We cross bridges as we follow it to our destination.

We exit the highway. 
The wind becomes a breeze scented with wildflowers and manure.

No more sounds of whirring pavement below us.
Gravel crunches beneath our tires.

The blue sky is hidden beneath a canopy of green.

The air cools and becomes moist with moss and damp leaves.

We find our spot deep within the forest, park, and step out into this world of nature.
Sounds, smells, and sights intoxicate us with a sense of calm and wonder.

Listen, it is so quiet.
Listen again, new sounds are everywhere.

Rustling leaves, bugs buzzing, birds chirping.
Water trickling, ground crunching, animals scurrying.

The crackle of the fire warms us and makes us think of food.
We cook and eat and laugh and talk.

Sleepiness overwhelms us and we sleep a deep, restful sleep.
We rise with the sun, grateful for this time to relax and appreciate the calm.

Cleanliness Does Not Equal Confidence: Being a Modern Mom

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

I consider myself a fairly organized and self-assured mom. At least I did until my printer mysteriously started delivering weekly guilt trips. Not long after my husband “fixed” our wacky printer, each week it spit out a colorful sheet. Initially, I blamed it on the kids printing something for school and then forgetting. Eventually, I got tired of seeing the paper sitting untouched in the printer tray, so I grabbed it.

At first glance it looked like some sort of list or journal entry. The next time I found it in the tray, I looked a bit more closely and saw it was something for “mom.” I halfheartedly investigated the now predictable weekly appearance of this sheet of paper by asking my husband about it. He shrugged it off. 

The relentless reappearance sparked a bit more interest and I quietly wondered what this newsletter was all about. However, it took my husband’s guffaws coming from the kitchen followed by him running into the living room shaking the paper and thrusting it toward  where I sat peacefully sipping wine as I watched TV and the dust piling up on the surfaces around me for the content of that mysterious newsletter to be revealed. 

My husband, who, with much guidance on my part, evolved into a feminist, well, a feminist with a twisted sense of humor rooted in the male chauvinistic life most of us were raised. His dichotomous life caused equal parts outrage and amusement at the words he read. As he reread the words on that paper over my shoulder, he awaited my reaction. My immediate and obvious outrage did not disappoint. He was practically dancing with giddiness!

It turns out that this newsletter he “inadvertently” signed-up for was entitled The Confident Mom. Based on the content, the writer of this newsletter walked women's rights backwards to the 1950’s. Certainly the author intended to be helpful, but the end result was ridiculous and a smidge offensive. 

Rather than a newsletter, it was a checklist of all the things good moms should accomplish daily and weekly. By completing these tasks mom's should be better able to provide a healthy and nurturing environment for their families to thrive.The top section lists 14 items moms should do each day, such as:

• Personal quiet time
• Make-up beds
• Prep for dinner
• Tidy kitchen
• Get Moving
• Ten Minutes of self-Care

I am not one to linger in the bathroom primping and preening, but even the most plain Jane needs more than ten minutes to “self-care.” By the time I have my daily constitutional and brush my teeth, my time allotted ten minutes is up. Perhaps by consolidating my “personal quiet time” with my "self-care" I’d have more time to complete all the tasks in the next section.

Under that list of daily tasks, came a calendar for the week which listed chores to be completed Sunday through Saturday. Clearly, the author of the list works as a writer and blogger. Just for fun I compared "her" days with "my" days.

Her Sunday: Make shopping lists-plan weekly menu-review family calendar-sweep and mop kitchen floor

My Sunday: Pretty much the same but I also grocery shop and cook meals for the week. I prod and yell at the rest of the family to do their chores. I also work at home.

Her Monday: Wash kids’ sheets-dust and vacuum kids’ rooms-dust and vacuum upper floors and stairs-dust and shine wall frames and mirrors.

My Monday: I go to work. I might vacuum.

Her Tuesday: Disinfect & wipe toilets-check toilet paper supply-dust surfaces in living area-vacuum the furniture-vacuum living area-check kitchen floor and sweep.

My Tuesday: I go to work. All that other stuff was sort of done by my husband and kids on Sunday. “Checking toilet paper” translates to screaming for help as we stare at the naked tube. Why would I even look at the kitchen floor on Tuesday? I just washed it on Sunday! It’s good for at least a week, maybe two. Can furniture be vacuumed? Perhaps I should try this.

Her Wednesday: Wipe the remote controls-wipe and clean one shelf in the refrigerator-wipe down the coffee maker-wipe out the microwave-wipe the kitchen light fixtures-clean tubs and shower

My Wednesday: I go to work. Wipe the remotes! Seriously? First I would have to find them and then pry them from the sweaty, sticky hand that holds them. Wipe one shelf in the fridge? You know if you wipe one then the others look dirty and the next thing you know you have the entire thing torn apart and you are throwing away condiments that expired in the seventies. Just walk away from that dirty fridge! Since I am the coffee maker, I am certain I do not need a wiping down, but then it depends on who is doing the wiping ;)

Her Thursday: Wash master bedroom sheets-clean master bedroom surfaces-declutter nightstands-vacuum master bedroom-clean bathroom sinks/shine mirrors-check kitchen floor

My Thursday: Did I tell you I WORK? Why make beds when the rooms have doors?

Her Friday: Wash kitchen floor-empty all trash-wipe down appliance doors-wipe down phones-wash bathroom rugs and floors-replace bath hand towels.

My Friday: Um, still working. What is happening to the kitchen floor that it needs so much attention?

Her Saturday: Water houseplants-kids straighten bedrooms-straighten car interior

My Saturday:  More work. I am probably nursing a mild hangover from the one too many glasses of wine I had Friday night. I am enjoying some much needed family time.

Just when you, the mom whom I am confident is exhausted and a touch resentful at all the cleaning-up you made yourself do, there is still more to do. You must complete other weekly tasks like paying bills, ironing, wiping down computers, cleaning the dryer vent (who does this weekly), tidying the front porch, and wiping out the silverware drawer.

After reading this "helpful list," I am confident that my choice to be a working mom with a somewhat dirty house who relies on the entire family, including my husband, to get the house we ALL live in and use clean enough is the best choice for me. Resources such as The Confident Mom seem to set the clocks back and put us in an era that feminists have fought so hard to leave. I want my kids to grow up watching their mom confidently juggle work and home. I want them to grow-up confident in their responsibility and ability to maintain a home and family not because they happen to be girls, but because they are equal members of a family. So I write this while sipping some wine on a beautiful Sunday knowing my house needs a good cleaning but confident that I am happy and fulfilled as I choose my passion over my responsibility. Cheers!

10 Ways Singing Makes Better Brains

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston, MS/CCC-SLP

 “Bye-Bye Water
Bye-Bye Water
Bye-Bye Water
So Sad To See You Go

Merrily It Rolls Along,
Rolls Along,
Rolls Along
Merrily It Rolls Along
Down The Drain It Goes”
Lyrics by: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

I wrote this catchy little diddy for my daughters to be part of our bath time routine. Adding songs to routines with young children is a wonderful strategy to help with many areas of development including behavior, language, social-emotional, physical, cognitive, and even self-help skills.

To be clear, I am not a singer. In fact, the sound of my singing voice makes me cringe. However, most of the time, children either do not judge poor singing or are a captive audience and silently suffer through the horrific sounds penetrating their ears and then brain. So please don’t use an out of tune vocal instrument as an excuse to not sing.

To help motivate you to use songs in your routines with your little ones, I have compiled a list of some reasons why it is a great idea:

1. Singing helps with transitions and reduces tantrums:

• By singing a song near the end of a favorite routine your child will be prepared for the upcoming change and move to the next routine with less fussing. Think about how hard it can be to convince a child to leave the playground to go home for lunch. Singing a "let’s get ready to leave" song can help

2.  Singing encourages the completion of chores:

• Every preschool teacher knows that the best way to get kids to clean-up toys is to sing the ubiquitous song made famous by that creepy purple dinosaur, Barney and his equally weird friends

3.  Singing supports spontaneous speech:

• By singing in daily routines children can memorize the words of the songs and then fill-in planned pauses. Some children have trouble initiating expressive speech; this gives them practice forming a word on cue.

4.  Singing naturally builds speech fluency:

• The smooth connection of words in songs helps children who are learning to speak in phrases, speak with improved clarity when singing is part of their daily life.
• Some people who stutter find they have less stuttering incidences when singing.
• The natural highs and lows and pitch changes that are built into songs helps children learn to control variations in their voices for speech that sounds natural and effortless

 5.  Singing can increase engagement and meaningful interactions: 

• Singing with a partner can increase back and forth interactions and eye contact. Many songs are fun and create an enjoyable moment between child and caregiver.

6.  Singing enhances brain development: Checkout the links below for more information

Singing to children may help development of language skills
Learning Through Music: The Support of Brain Research
The benefits of music for a child’s development
BUILDING YOUNG BRAINS THROUGH TALKING, READING, AND SINGING

7.  Singing makes the day more fun:

• Routines can be, well, routine and therefore sometimes boring. Even laundry and scrubbing floors is made more fun with music. I promise, give it a try. 

8. Singing often combines movements like finger plays or dance steps. Adding motor movements with songs can do so much.

• Movements can help children initiate speech.
• Songs can help uncoordinated children become more coordinated. Just like songs help link words together fluidly, they can help chain movements.
• Songs can help with remembering steps in an activity like hand washing.

9.  Singing may help with academics. Checkout the link

http://www.medicaldaily.com/singing-or-playing-instrument-improves-brain-function-offsets-rich-kidpoor-kid-academic-297156

10.  Singing can develop memory skills:

• Just like mnemonics, songs can help the brain remember just about anything.

There are so many opportunities during a day to embed a song. Choose a routine your child loves and one that is hard for them. Create songs or use a song you already know and make it part of the routine. Pairing a song with an activity is as easy as singing Wheels on the Bus as you paint or draw. When the wheels go round and round, so does the crayon. When the wipers go swish-swish, so does the paintbrush. It’s fun and easy.

Bonus Song

The song I sing when baking or playing with Play-Doh with kids is sung to the tune of Row Your Boat:

“Roll, roll, roll the dough
gently up and down.

When we roll out the dough,
We will never frown.”
Lyrics by: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

Adoption Myth VII: Infertile? Just Relax

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

                                     

Every time we left the infertility clinic, I would walk outside and see what seemed like dozens of happily pregnant women. These glowing women were fit and fashionably dressed with their perfect, taut, round bellies leading the way as they went about their day content in knowing they achieved one of the most basic human functions, procreation.

Not being able to make a baby was not a surprise due to the combined health histories of both my husband and myself. Nevertheless, the experience of it was torturous, exhausting, and draining both emotionally and financially. 

“Just try harder and it will happen.” “Just think positively and it will happen.” “Try to adopt and it will happen.” "Just relax and it will happen." Those quotes reflect the well-meaning words often given by loving friends and family who were trying to help support us through our struggles.

Click Here For Infertility Facts

The indisputable truth is that the healthy female body is designed to make babies. So, when my female body could not make a baby the feelings of inadequacy I had could only be truly understood by other women who have suffered through infertility. Unfortunately, most women do not discuss their personal struggles with this issue. I believe the silence is due to feelings of shame combined with the general societal misconception that infertility is just part of life and no big deal.

Deciding to have a baby is no easy decision. Some women find themselves pregnant at inopportune moments while others get pregnant right on schedule according to their life plan. Then there are women, like me, who make the careful decision to start a family only to be stalled over and over and over again.

Infertile women deal with the medical trauma and drama and expense of our condition. We deal with the continual grief and loss with our condition. We become stressed and feel out of control with our condition. We feel intense loneliness and sadness due to our condition. In spite of it all, we have to pull it together month after excruciating month and find a way to be hopeful so we can try again and again and again.

We rely on unfamiliar and sometimes cold medical professionals to guide us. We must trust strangers with our most intimate secrets and situations. We must withstand the medications and medical procedures prescribed. We try to lean on friends and family, but their capacity for support wears thin quickly. Asking and expecting someone to hold your hand through so much grief is hard and most people are not up to the task.

Click Here to Learn How to Talk to Your Infertile Loved Ones

These loving people who are our friends and family want to help us. They want to make our grief subside. They want to help us feel hopeful. Inevitably, they rely on the misconceptions perpetuated by the mainstream media through fluff news articles or made for TV movies. These outlets are flush with anecdotes about the few women who tried to get pregnant for years and as soon as they adopted a baby or prayed or tried non-traditional approaches got knocked-up.

Often times the sentiments delivered by our circle of support make us feel like we are not doing enough or the right thing. We end up feeling more stressed and more alone. We end up feeling that we are the problem not our bodies and our health. We know that those who shower us with these well-meaning but misguided words are not trying to hurt us, they do love us. 

The best thing you can do to help your loved one cope with infertility is to educate yourself on infertility so you can offer real advice when asked. Otherwise, just listen. I hope some of the information I have included is useful. And remember the following truths to the myths.

The Truths to 5 Common Infertility Myths 

• Trying is fun: Sure it is at first and then it becomes a job that you fail at month after month. Failure is not fun.
• Adoption leads to pregnancy: I have two beautiful girls that I adopted and I have never been pregnant. 
• Legs in the air: I have spent hours with my legs in the air and still no baby.
• Maybe it's him: Even if it is "him" we are still infertile. He is my husband and we are in this together. So, in reality, it is "us."
• Just relax: Really?