By:
Elizabeth Redhead Kriston
I heard myself yelling across the house at my twelve year
old to “stop shouting across the house! If you need to talk to someone get up
and go to them!” Realizing the absurdity of my words, I
acknowledged the complexities of this parenting gig.
I do my best, but in this world of social media and
Pinterest it easy to feel pressure to parent perfectly. My approach is a blend of old school meets
new age with a dose of warm and fuzzy
"I Am Not a Twelve Year Old Girl"
I am reminded regularly how different I am from many
parents. This becomes most evident when my 12 year old asks me to play dolls
with her. I remind her that I am not a 12 year old girl and that my imagination
is as rusty as my body. I
encourage her to either call a friend, who actually is twelve, or choose a
different activity like cards or a board game.
"I Just Want the Now"
When I refuse to play dolls, I recognize that many other
moms would gush over this opportunity citing that, “She is growing up so fast.
You might never have this opportunity again.” My response is “good” and “yeah.”
I love my daughter. She will be my daughter forever. I do not love playing
dolls. I do love that she is growing up. I love her at this age, at this stage
just as I loved her in all her other ages and stages. I do not wish to go
backward or rush forward. I just want the now.
I have spent the last two decades observing other parents
raise their children picking up some great tips along the way. I have seen
examples of what not to do and as well as brilliant tricks. I have read
numerous books on parenting and raised two pretty awesome kids myself.
"Become Very Familiar with Child Development"
Remember, before you adopt or reject any of these tips I emphatically encourage you to become very familiar with child development. Understanding typical development of emotional, social, intellectual, physical, and self-help skills is imperative. Not being able to understand or even predict why and how your child is behaving may cause you to place unrealistic expectations on them that may cause you to push too hard too soon, or possibly, even worse, not enough.
Embrace Your Child's Temperament
In addition to understanding typical development, knowing
and embracing your child’s temperament as well as any of his or her special needs or delays
is equally important. We must know how and why to adjust the demands we put on
our kids to make it possible for them to be successful. We can’t change them,
but we can nurture them based on who they are not who we are.
The 18 Tips
1. Say what you
mean and follow through (throw away the toy when you threaten too). Be
consistent. Choose your threats and demands carefully. Make sure you can
realistically follow through with them without hurting innocent parties. For
example, do not threaten to cancel an upcoming birthday party. You will not
only punish your child, but all the kids who are set to come and their parents
who were looking forward to a few hours of peace and quiet. Rather, threaten to
give all her gifts to charity instead.
2. Let them cry it
out This advice is for our babies big and small. Comfort them in really
traumatic times, but let them learn to self-sooth as early as possible. Don’t
make small accidents or incidents bigger than they are by your reactions.
3. Talk and
explain less when imparting consequences Trying to rationalize with any
child who is emotionally overwrought is a waste of time. Wait for times of calm
and peace to teach.
4. Use choices
and stick with it even if the choice made is uncomfortable for you. See my
earlier blog for more info on this. http://mybrunettelifeasaredhead.blogspot.com/2016/08/6-rues-and-6-reasons-for-using-choices.html
5. Play Devil’s Advocate Don’t always
assume your kid’s perspective is the correct one. This also teaches them to
question information, to see all sides to an argument, and to make informed
decisions
6. Force them to
face their fears and yes I mean force them (of course be sensible). I made
my daughter do many things she feared. Almost every time it worked out. I made
her run track, now she loves it. (Refrain from saying, “I told you so.”)
7. Cook what you like not what they like
then wait until they are really
hungry to feed them. See the book Bringing Up Bebe
8. Feed them
healthy food even when all the other kids eat crap (and by other kids I
mean dad too). Teaching healthy eating habits early is critical. See this blog
for more info http://mybrunettelifeasaredhead.blogspot.com/2017/01/10-tips-to-head-off-picky-eaters.html
9. Send them away
when they are driving you nuts. They have bedrooms for a reason. You have a
right to some peace and quiet. Life does not have to be constant chaos.
10. Let them be
bored
11. Make them find their own way Whether it's walking to school, riding a bike to a friends house, or taking a bus to the mall, they need to learn to do things without you. I promise there are fewer predators and dangers lurking in the
world than the media would like to make you think.
12. Help them discover
independence early Start with ordering their own food at restaurants or
paying the clerk at the store and getting the change. Move to walking the dogs,
walking to school, and even calling to make their own appointments for
haircuts. My daughter makes her own orthodontic appointments since she knows
her availability.
13. Assign chores They live in the house too. Why should you do all the work? Not to mention that
someday they will be on their own. Knowing how to wash dishes and scrub a
toilet would be helpful (unless you plan on being their housekeeper). See this
blog post for more http://mybrunettelifeasaredhead.blogspot.com/2016/11/cleanliness-does-not-equal-confidence.html
14. Give them an
allowance Make them pay for things like running shoes and Christmas gifts.
They need to learn the value of money early and often.
15. Teach them
community service. This will make them more empathetic and proactive in the
community. Not everybody has a bed or food, and they need to know that.
 |
| Click here for service ideas |
16. Go away
without them You both deserve a break. This teaches them to learn to trust
and be flexible. It allows other family and/or friends to bond with them and
teaches them new ways to approach the world. Start with just an hour or two and
then work up to a week if you can. Learn how to recharge http://mybrunettelifeasaredhead.blogspot.com/2016/11/taking-time-to-recharge-and-appreciate.html
17. Give them as
many experiences as possible Expose them to art, nature, sports, friends,
family, cultures, and places. Many feel restrained by income, but most
communities offer free or no cost options. Even walks through the neighborhood
or nearby town have so much to offer. See this blog for more ideas http://mybrunettelifeasaredhead.blogspot.com/2016/07/learning-toys-not-required-experience.html
18.Tell them Three Things Every night before bed tell your children 3 things they did that day that made you proud or happy. Something so small
means so much.
When I start yelling, I try to remember that using these tips and balancing them with healthy doses of love, affection, and laughter helps me accomplish my goal of raising self-sufficient, independent, kind, and loving adults. The world needs more people like that.
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