6 Rules and 6 Reasons for Using Choices When Parenting

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston, MS/CCC-SLP

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe
Catch a tiger by the toe
If he hollers let him go,
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe
My mother told me
To pick the very best one
And you are [not] it.

As a child, that popular rhyme was how I made “important” choices like who would go first, which boy I liked, or which color jelly bean to eat. Fast forward many years of living and learning later, I now appreciate the complicated process of making good choices. It goes way beyond simple chance eliminations. 

            I realize now that learning to make good choices and understanding of the consequences of making a bad choices would have served me well, especially in my adolescence. When my kids came into my life, I added to my college education with some basic self-help reading. I am sure glad I did! Simple chance led me to a wonderful audio book at our local library. The priceless information within it helped me to navigate the mind and temperament of my toddler.

Parenting with Love & Logic

The wisdom I found between the pages (well really more like between the pauses as the narrator read to me) of this book changed my life. I took the best parts of the authors’ advice and applied it to my work and my home lives. I worked with toddlers at the same time I raised one. I desperately needed to figure out how to modify toddler behavior to make it possible for them to learn and exist without being in a perpetual state of tantrumming. 

            My mom raised me in the era of “a child should be seen and not heard.” Though my mom was not so strict, she never really asked me what I wanted until I grew up. She picked out my clothes, made me eat what she cooked, and decided my hairstyles. She never considered giving me a choice.

When I started using choices, many older people gave me a piece of their mind making sure I knew I was a bad parent for even considering what my child wanted. Of course, they were the same ones who chased me around the grocery store telling me to dress my daughter in warmer clothes.

Because I too had the parenting mindset of “what I say goes,” the idea of choices made me uncomfortable. After reading Parenting with Love & Logic, I found myself in a daily screaming match with my toddler. While I brushed her hair she thrashed and cried and ran away. After trying to reason with her and then fruitlessly demanding compliance, I took a breath and recalled the concept of the choice.

 I grabbed a comb and held it my left hand and in my right hand I held a brush. Then, I got down to my daughters level, and with exaggerated and fake patience, I asked sweetly, “Do you want mommy to comb your hair or brush your hair.” The question was not, “Do you want me to brush your hair?” The yes/no question does not provide a choice it just provides an escape. The choice gave her a voice in deciding how it would be done not if it was done.

            In that moment everything changed. She stopped yelling, crying, and escaping. She reached to the brush and then sat calmly as I wrestled the tangles from her tender head of fine hair. Using choices with toddlers works on the idea that the average two-year old wants to be in charge. Heck, they've lived for two whole years. In their minds, they have this living thing down pat. They don’t need us anymore. As soon as we step in and do that parenting thing, they freak out because they want to be the boss. Please understand, this is developmentally appropriate behavior. They are not being naughty they are just being two.

6 Rules of Using Choices

             Even though this is a stage of healthy child development, it does not mean that parents give the tot the control he desires. That would be insane. The choice approach gives parents the option to narrow down the decision to two parent approved things. The act of presenting a choice tricks the toddler into thinking she's in control. It is a beautiful thing. The keys to offering a good choice are:

1.    Only offer two things. More than two can be overwhelming especially for little ones.

2.    Only offer things that you are willing to allow when chosen. Don’t offer a cookie or an apple when you want them to eat fruit. Offer two fruits instead.

3.    Have props whenever possible. Show and say. This will help build speech and language.

          4.    Accept a reach, look, point, or verbal response.

          5.    Remove the unchosen item immediately so your child does not have time to                       change her mind. Give her what she chose no matter what.          
          6. Use choices as much as possible. Be creative and have fun with it.

Choices not only help to keep the peace with toddlers who want to rule the roost, but it has many other long-term effects. Of course, reading the book is the best way to learn about how choices will revolutionize your parenting, but I will list some of the ways choices can and will help you.

6 Reasons for Offering Choices

1.   Offering choices reduces tantrums (yours and theirs).

2.    Offering choices teaches about making poor choices. This will carry over into all stages of childhood. Children will learn the natural consequences of poor choices starting with choosing milk when they really wanted juice to not wearing a coat on a cold day to deciding whether to accept a friend’s offer of a cigarette. Hopefully, understanding consequences of choices will reduce the number of poor choices made as your child gets older and the choices get more complex.

3.    Offering choices teaches new words and concepts expanding a child’s vocabulary.

4.    Offering choices allows the child a voice in a conversation that a simple yes/no question would not.

5.    Offering choices provides speech models so a child can learn to say words by imitation.

6.    Offering choices makes you a better parent as you begin to learn about the things your child prefers.

         

          Of course this list is not exhaustive. For many, giving a child, especially a young child, a choice might seem like permissive parenting. If done with thought and planning using choices is anything but permissive. Rather, it is thoughtful, intelligent parenting that allows your child to learn so much about life. Trust me you will not regret it. Give it a try.