By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston,
MS/CCC-SLP
The other day
I met a family who was preparing to finalize the adoption of the beautiful two
year old boy who they had been fostering since he was born. Out of curiosity I
inquired as to whether or not they were going to tell him he was adopted. Their
response was, “Eventually. First we want him to get a little older before we
start talking to him about that.”
That made me
a little sad for this boy. Of course I kept my opinions to myself because I was
not there to judge that family. I recognize that everybody sees the world
differently and approaches tough situations with a different set of morals and
ideas than I. Even though I disagreed and I decided to try and respect their
decision, the truth is I secretly hoped they will change their minds.
Why
I Hope They Change Their Minds
If you have
read my other blogs you know that I believe honesty is the best policy when it
comes to raising children. I believe this whether the child you raise is your
birth child or not. Of course the truth has to be modified so it is developmentally
appropriate for your child. We need to be aware of what our child can handle
emotionally and intellectually before we give him or her too much truth.
My fondness
for the truth is not the only reason to tell a child they are adopted. Telling
children they are adopted gives you all cause to celebrate! Who
doesn’t like a party? When I first brought M.E. home my sister asked if we
would celebrate her birthday or her
adoption day. My response was an exuberant, “Both!”
With the
addition of M.J. to our little family, we have two adoption days to celebrate.
I want our daughters to know that we find their adoption day as important and
meaningful as they day they were born. In my eyes, entering our family is as
momentous as entering the world.
I was not
present on the day my girls were born. I did not get to hold them close as they
experienced their first breaths and wailed their first cries. However, I did
get to be there on that day when the judge decreed them as our “forever”
children. That important day deserves recognition and celebration.
Initially, we
celebrated adoption day quietly with a small gift and a sweet treat. As the
years passed by, I realized the day needed a bit more merriment. I also decided
that we needed to celebrate it as a special day for the family, not just for
the daughter in question. Our family festivities include a special dinner, a
gift, and a rousing rendition of “Happy Adoption Day to Us” as we blow out the
appropriate number of candles on a cake.
Celebrating
adoption day sends positive messages to our daughters, our family, and our
friends. We are able to share the joy we feel each year as we remember that
day. By letting everyone know how happy and proud we are, we help to peel away
any feelings of shame or fear or secrecy that some still hold about adoption.
I think we
have come a long way with the need to keep adoption hidden as if it is sad or
unspeakable. I recall as a middle schooler learning of a classmate who was
adopted. Her parents never told her. Her siblings knew and somehow I knew, but
she did not. My heart broke for her. Even as a young girl in sixth grade I
understood that hiding adoption can do no good. Eventually, this girl found out
that she had been adopted and she was heartbroken. I think the fact that she
was lied to combined with the knowledge that others knew before her made it
harder for her to accept it and forgive her parents.
I want my
girls to celebrate both the day they were born and the day they were adopted.
They are equally important. We even have a small celebration on their coming
home day. Some call that the “Gotcha Day.”
Unfortunately only a few family
members take the time to remember the importance of the adoption day. I know it
is a new and possibly uncomfortable concept, but we need to celebrate it with
gusto.
I wrote a
children’s book, Go by Goat, that revolves around a very special day. At
the end of the story the day is revealed to be the Adoption Day of the main
character not her birthday as most expect. I hope we can come to a place where
everyone at least tries to understand that Adoption Days are important days. A
forever family is made on those days. The dreams of usually long suffering
parents are met and a child is given a family who will love them and care for
them for the rest of time. There is never shame in that.
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