By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston,
MS/CCC-SLP
My friend who
fosters children told me that it upsets her when people say that they cannot
understand how she can foster. These people say their hearts would be broken if
they had to return a child after loving him or her. They claim that could not
withstand the pain. My friend confided that when she hears that, it makes her
feel like people think her heart is unbreakable.
In fact, my
friend has a big, kind, and loving heart; a heart that breaks a little each
time a child she has fostered moves on. However, her heart also grows each time
she meets and loves a child. She has the honor of getting to know, getting to
love, and getting to nurture a great many children. While it does hurt her
heart each time they leave, she is consoled and strengthened to know they are
leaving to be reunited or matched with a forever family. My friend finds fostering
to be rewarding not an exercise in torture.
Her heart is
not stronger than any other heart. Instead of a heart of steel, she has the gift
of perspective. She understands the true purpose of fostering. She cherishes
each child. She feels honored to care for them. These children grow her heart
more than they break it.
I understand
this now. I did not understand this then. When my husband and I decided to
adopt from the foster care system we were quite certain that we did not want to
be foster parents. I knew from my work experiences with foster families that
the adoption judges and social workers work diligently to help biological
families reunify with their biological children. Biological parents are given
many opportunities to improve their lives so that they can raise their
children.
Some Steps to
Reunification:
1.
Drug
and alcohol rehabilitation
2.
Parenting
classes
3.
Steady
or permanent employment
4.
Basic
home care skills like cooking and cleaning
5.
Pursuit
of a GED
6.
Supervised
visitation
Changing a
child’s goal from reunification to adoption is the very last resort. I knew
that when fostering, you could foster a child for years and believe, hope, and
pray that that child would be deemed your forever child only to watch that
child leave your home for reunification.
The
uncertainty was more than my husband and I could handle. We had just suffered
through infertility and all the heartache that provided. The thought of falling
in love with a foster child only to give him or her back was more than my mind
and heart could bear at that time. It does not mean that foster families have
hearts of stone; it just means that they have a healthy perspective and purpose.
I knew my already fragile psyche could not withstand more disappointment.
Fortunately,
we learned that we could adopt through foster care without actually
fostering. Because children are often
fostered by people who just want to foster and not adopt, many children can be
placed with want-to-be parents after termination of parental rights. These
foster children, after much work by the social workers and judges, are legally
emancipated from their biological parents once it has been determined that the birth
parents cannot raise their children in safe and stable home environments.
Once parental rights are terminated, the child is free to be adopted. That was the situation that my husband and I sought and found, twice. We went through the same process as foster parents meeting all the requirements from clearances to CPR/First Aid certification to parenting classes, but we never truly fostered. Instead, we were chosen by the social workers and then an adoption placement board to adopt a legally free child. This child was place in our care for the standard of a minimum of six months before the actual adoption took place.
Once parental rights are terminated, the child is free to be adopted. That was the situation that my husband and I sought and found, twice. We went through the same process as foster parents meeting all the requirements from clearances to CPR/First Aid certification to parenting classes, but we never truly fostered. Instead, we were chosen by the social workers and then an adoption placement board to adopt a legally free child. This child was place in our care for the standard of a minimum of six months before the actual adoption took place.
Before we
accepted the child into our home we were able to see a photograph and read a
comprehensive report about the child. The report included information about her
birth parents and her medical history. Since both of our children were infants,
the information was somewhat limited.
The purpose
of the sharing of background information
1.
To
help make an informed decision of whether or not adoptive parents want to
become that child’s parents.
2.
Provide
insights and information on developmental delays
3.
Provide
insights and information on mental health issues
4.
Provide
medical information
5.
Provide
information about the birth parents for insight and information on genetic
components that might play a role in the child’s future health and educational
development.
Of course, no
one can ever truly predict how a child will grow and develop. Every child has a
unique personality. Some children are stronger than others and will overcome
even the most challenging experiences or work through the most debilitating
illness while others will submit and succumb. We must consider the roles of
nature and nurture. The nature of a child may lie the groundwork, but a child’s
life experiences can supersede what seemed to be written in the cards.
Saying that
all children need is love is a bit simplistic and very hopeful. Yes children
need love but they also need attention, patience, room to grow, a chance to
make mistakes, a chance to take risks, a chance to succeed, a chance to lose.
Children need opportunities big or small. They need guidance and boundaries.
They need rules and schedules. They need encouragement to be creative and
unique. Being a parent is so very hard and it is fraught with doubts, guilt,
judgements, and second guessing. Love is the most important element because it
makes all those other things possible, but it cannot stand alone.
Many
want-to-be parents shy away from the foster-adopt system because they are
afraid of either a broken heart or adopting a child with complex needs. My hope
is that if you want to adopt you will seriously consider this as a viable
option. Read more books, talk to more people, and ask more questions. There are
over 1000,000 children who are legally freed and waiting to be adopted. Your
future child might be one of those waiting children.
Helpful Resources for Foster-Adoption
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