Monday, August 1, 2016

Adoption Myth II: Open Adoptions are the Best

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston, MS/CCC-SLP

Shock and awe are two words that describe how I feel at this moment as I ponder the reality that the fourteenth adoption day of our first daughter is right around the corner. I can remember bringing her home as a three month old baby and falling in love with her instantaneously. I also remember waiting nine long months for the judge to decree that she was our “forever child who you are to love and nurture as if she was your own.”
                                       



Those nine months, while wonderful, were tainted with an undercurrent of doubt and fear. Before that adoption certificate was signed, I could not help but wonder if things would go very wrong. I awaited some mythical court appointed agent to barge into our home and take our baby, but all that worry was for not. My husband and I had our day in court with our baby and we were deemed M.E.’s legal parents even though by then she was ours in our hearts.

When I brought our baby home, it never occurred to me to not tell her she was adopted. She came to us with a photo album of pictures that documented her history thus far. It is called a life book. The photos within those cheap vinyl covers were of her in the arms of her birth parents as well as pictures from her time with her foster family. Telling M.E. from day one that she was adopted just felt natural and honest.

Life Book Ideas


I told everyone we knew that we were adopting our daughter. Why would I hide it from her? It made no sense. From the beginning being forthright about the circumstances of her adoption including talking to her about her birth parents and foster family was nonnegotiable. I believed M.E. deserved to know her whole story.

I felt she not only deserved to be loved by us, but to know she was loved by many. I believed that telling her that her early life was filled with people who cared for her and tried to make her life the best it could be was essential to building and maintaining her self-esteem.

Though I was all for telling M.E. her true life story, I was not so keen on involving her birth parents in a more hands-on or personal way. The nature of our adoption, one from the foster care system, deemed it a closed adoption. I was not permitted to know the surnames of her birth parents or any information that would help us locate and contact them. They were given limited information on us.




This helped me sleep better and night. Though I am certain open adoption works fine in other situations, for me the idea of M.E.’s birth parents being part of her life made me physically ill. I am human and I have fears and doubts. I worry about my child’s well-being every day.

I believed that allowing her birth parents to play a role in her childhood and early adolescence would make life too confusing. I imagined it would make an already emotionally charged situation more, well, emotional. The training and education that I embarked on prior to and after the adoption process taught me a lot about the emotional state of children who have been adopted. As I got to know M.E. and supported her in her journey to becoming part of our family, I realized that she was very fragile. She needed consistency and security.

With my husband, I decided that the best way to help M.E. grow up to be a well-adjusted and an emotionally secure adult would be to be honest and forthright about her birth parents and foster parents. However, we limited the information she received to photographs and answers to her questions. Some refer to this as a “semi-open adoption.” This has proven to be the best route for us.

While I do not encourage M.E. to reach out to her birth parents, I do welcome contact with them and her foster parents. I have, through the anonymous channels provided by the agency, written to her birth mother. For several years we exchanged letters and photographs. The purpose was to:

1) Gain information and insight on the type of person M.E. might grow up to be.
2) Help her birth mother heal (her birth father never contacted us).
3) Learn of any pertinent medical history.
4) Potentially ease any of M.E.’s future questions or concerns




Eventually, the letter writing faded away. I respected her birth mother’s quiet disappearance and have kept all of her letters which I will share with M.E. once she is mature enough and wants to see them.

I also believe that keeping in touch with her foster parents is very important. I believe they deserve to know how the little baby they stayed up at night with, nurtured, and loved unconditionally in her earliest days is doing. I know that M.E. appreciates this even if her adolescent mind keeps her from expressing it directly.

I feel that my husband and I have struck a wonderful balance of truth and knowledge. By keeping out actual visitation and regular contact by her birth parents, M.E. is able to grow and thrive during her formative years knowing she is loved by many, but she has a stable environment with just one family and one set of parents.

In the future, M.E. will have all of my help and support to find her birth parents if that is what she chooses. I know my heart will break a bit, but it is not about me. It is always and forever about her.

So the truth of this myth that open adoption is the best way to go boils down to is this, for my husband and me open adoption was not a good fit. Each adoptive parent and family has to make that deeply personal decision. My only hope is that you spend much time researching the effects of all types of adoption:


Once you have all the information, you must do what is best for you. You must not allow the opinions of others to push you into making a choice that does not feel right in your heart. Always follow your heart. If you do, your family will be healthier and happier in the end.


No comments:

Post a Comment