By: Elizabeth Redhead
Kriston, MS/CCC-SLP
Shock and awe
are two words that describe how I feel at this moment as I ponder the reality
that the fourteenth adoption day of our first daughter is right around the corner.
I can remember bringing her home as a three month old baby and falling in love
with her instantaneously. I also remember waiting nine long months for the
judge to decree that she was our “forever child who you are to love and nurture
as if she was your own.”
Those nine months, while wonderful, were tainted with an undercurrent of doubt and fear. Before that adoption certificate was signed, I could not help but wonder if things would go very wrong. I awaited some mythical court appointed agent to barge into our home and take our baby, but all that worry was for not. My husband and I had our day in court with our baby and we were deemed M.E.’s legal parents even though by then she was ours in our hearts.
When I brought
our baby home, it never occurred to me to not
tell her she was adopted. She came to us with a photo album of pictures that
documented her history thus far. It is called a life book. The photos within
those cheap vinyl covers were of her in the arms of her birth parents as well as
pictures from her time with her foster family. Telling M.E. from day one that
she was adopted just felt natural and honest.
Life
Book Ideas
I told
everyone we knew that we were adopting our daughter. Why would I hide it from
her? It made no sense. From the beginning being forthright about the
circumstances of her adoption including talking to her about her birth parents
and foster family was nonnegotiable. I believed M.E. deserved to know her whole
story.
I felt she not
only deserved to be loved by us, but to know she was loved by many. I believed
that telling her that her early life was filled with people who cared for her and
tried to make her life the best it could be was essential to building and
maintaining her self-esteem.
Though I was
all for telling M.E. her true life story, I was not so keen on involving her
birth parents in a more hands-on or personal way. The nature of our adoption,
one from the foster care system, deemed it a closed adoption. I was not permitted
to know the surnames of her birth parents or any information that would help us
locate and contact them. They were given limited information on us.
This helped
me sleep better and night. Though I am certain open adoption works fine in
other situations, for me the idea of M.E.’s birth parents being part of her
life made me physically ill. I am human and I have fears and doubts. I worry
about my child’s well-being every day.
I believed
that allowing her birth parents to play a role in her childhood and early
adolescence would make life too confusing. I imagined it would make an already
emotionally charged situation more, well, emotional. The training and education
that I embarked on prior to and after the adoption process taught me a lot
about the emotional state of children who have been adopted. As I got to know
M.E. and supported her in her journey to becoming part of our family, I
realized that she was very fragile. She needed consistency and security.
With my
husband, I decided that the best way to help M.E. grow up to be a well-adjusted
and an emotionally secure adult would be to be honest and forthright about her
birth parents and foster parents. However, we limited the information she received to
photographs and answers to her questions. Some refer to this as a “semi-open
adoption.” This has proven to be the best route for us.
While I do
not encourage M.E. to reach out to her birth parents, I do welcome contact with
them and her foster parents. I have, through the anonymous channels provided by
the agency, written to her birth mother. For several years we exchanged letters
and photographs. The purpose was to:
1) Gain
information and insight on the type of person M.E. might grow up to be.
2) Help her birth mother heal (her birth father never contacted us).
3) Learn of any pertinent medical history.
4) Potentially ease any of M.E.’s future questions or concerns
2) Help her birth mother heal (her birth father never contacted us).
3) Learn of any pertinent medical history.
4) Potentially ease any of M.E.’s future questions or concerns
Eventually, the
letter writing faded away. I respected her birth mother’s quiet disappearance
and have kept all of her letters which I will share with M.E. once she is
mature enough and wants to see them.
I also
believe that keeping in touch with her foster parents is very important. I
believe they deserve to know how the little baby they stayed up at night with,
nurtured, and loved unconditionally in her earliest days is doing. I know that
M.E. appreciates this even if her adolescent mind keeps her from expressing it
directly.
I feel that
my husband and I have struck a wonderful balance of truth and knowledge. By
keeping out actual visitation and regular contact by her birth parents, M.E. is
able to grow and thrive during her formative years knowing she is loved by many,
but she has a stable environment with just one family and one set of parents.
In the
future, M.E. will have all of my help and support to find her birth parents if
that is what she chooses. I know my heart will break a bit, but it is not about
me. It is always and forever about her.
So the truth of this myth that open adoption is the best way to go boils down to is this, for my husband and me open adoption was not a good fit.
Each adoptive parent and family has to make that deeply personal decision. My
only hope is that you spend much time researching the effects of all types of
adoption:
3) semi-closed
4) closed
Once you have all the information, you must do what is best for you. You must not allow the opinions of others to push you into making a choice that does not feel right in your heart. Always follow your heart. If you do, your family will be healthier and happier in the end.
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