Lessons For My Daughters

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

Me, my mom, & sister  Montana
Photo by C. Redhead

This morning my mother and I had a conversation about parenting. We both agreed that nobody is perfect that no such thing as a perfect mom exists. All we can do is try our best. It was comforting to know that my mother did not expect me to be a perfect mom, because I’m far from it.

I try to be the best mom I can be

Being my best means making tough choices. Being my best means becoming someone I never imagined. Being my best means challenging myself and my kids. Being my best means experiencing equal amounts of hurt and joy.

Jersey Shore
Photo by J. Kriston

Being my best means saying things like, “Because I said so,” even when I swore I never would.

Before becoming a mom, I promised myself, my husband, my baby’s birth mom, and a judge, that I would do my best to raise strong, intelligent, independent, and happy children who would thrive and enjoy life.

This is a monumental task that sometimes feels impossible.

I often feel like I am beating my head against a brick wall as I try to teach my girls the same lessons over and over and over. While I hope my psyche is strong enough to handle the challenge, I worry that nothing is getting through their thick skulls.

Cleveland Heights, Ohio
Photo by A. Redhead

I worry that I am failing.

Just when I want to rip my hair out at the sound of my own voice, I recognize a small victory or two. Sometimes these come from the words of their teachers or parents of their friends who compliment my girls on their politeness and generosity. Sometimes it comes from their own mouths when they talk to one another and reflect the ideals that I thought went in one ear and out the other. Sometimes I see it in their actions when they reach out to others demonstrating the values I hoped I modeled for them.

How often I see these things is not as important as the fact that I do see them. In those moments, I fill with joy and pride and allow myself a moment to bask in my ability to be a good mom.

There are many things I have read or heard that I “should” teach my girls. Advice on good parenting is abundant. Somethings I agree with and somethings are not a priority for me. I’ve narrowed down the lessons I find most important to ten.

Me and my girls in Montana
Photo by J. Kriston

The Ten Lessons for My Daughters

1. Nourish yourself in all ways: physically, socially, mentally, spiritually. First, learn to eat well and wash the dishes when you are done. Second, make good friends. Choose quality people to whom you will gift your love and trust. Remember I am here for you when you need me, but you need the kind of support only a friend can offer. Third, find joy. Find a hobby or discover your talents. I will force you to sign-up for a sport or an instrument if you refuse to volunteer. Fourth, experience all life has to offer, the good and the bad. You need a wide array of experiences to help you learn about life and its infinite possibilities. Fifth, I support your search for faith, for something to believe in, even if it is not my path. Nourishment in all its forms is key, it is the foundation for everything else.

2. Question everything. Believing what you read or what you hear is easy, too easy. Questioning the facts and researching the truth is hard and time-consuming. Having said that, it can’t be pushed aside. You must question and doubt, even authority. You must challenge others and yourselves to be better. Go beyond the headlines, the tweets, the Snaps. Read in between all the lines. Above all read the signs and trust your gut.

3. Be proud of yourself. Accolades are wonderful. Receiving a pat on the back or an “I’m so proud of you” is amazing. However, the truth is that none of that really means anything unless you are proud of yourself. It is something our culture does not embrace because it makes us seem conceited and self-involved. Who decided self-pride was a bad thing? Think about it.

For More on Self-Esteem Click Here

4. Be kind but strong. This is probably the hardest thing for me to teach because I am strong without always being kind. Figuring out how to not be a pushover, to stand-up for what you want and believe while not making others feel devalued or less-than is an art very few have perfected. I want you, my girls, to have hearts of gold but not be chumps. Translation: Cross to the other side of the street or wait for the next elevator if you question anything. Who cares if you hurt someone’s feelings.

5. Be honest. This is a challenge. I am painfully honest with you and I work hard to never tell a lie, even a white one, in your presence. It makes life a bit uncomfortable at times like when you can’t tell the person on the phone that “no, he is not home” when dad is standing right there and clearly does not want to take the call. I abhor lies and work tirelessly to combat them. This means catching you in your lies to the point of exhaustion. Sometimes I just want to pretend I can’t see the chocolate that stains your lips and cheeks as you swear “I didn’t eat the candy bar.”

For More on Lying Click Here

6. Have an open mind. You hate when I play devil’s advocate. You accuse me of being unsupportive. This does not stop me. I want you to know that I love you, support you, and empathize with your situation no matter what. However, you need to learn that not everyone sees things the way you do. Your vision of the world and what is right and wrong, fair and unfair is not the same as the next person’s. Once you truly realize this, it will make living in our world so much easier. By examining contradicting views and accepting them as human nature based on personality and life experiences, it will be much easier to not hate everyone who thinks or acts differently than you

7. Manage your money. I give you an income and teach you to keep track of it and plan for purchases. Be smart and don’t accrue debt whenever possible. The exceptions to this rule are college and a purchasing a home, but be realistic about what you can afford in the long-term.

For More On Money Management and Kids Click Here

8. Be responsible for yourself. This simply means, clean-up your own messes (including laundry), find your own rides (even if that means asking me), solve your own problems with your teacher and your future bosses, landlords, etc… (know I have your back if the problem gets too big), sort out your conflicts with friends, and if you pick a fight with your sister, you’re on your own.

For More On Raising Kids to be Ready for the Real World Click Here

9. Take risks. As much as you are frightened with trying new things, do it anyway. Know that you will fail from time to time, but you will succeed sometimes too. Those successes are amazing and can only be experienced with the risk. The losses can hurt, but believe me young one, you will eventually appreciate the lessons and knowing you tried

10. Do what you love. Finding your passion can be hard, but once you do, stick with it. Finding a way to make a living from your passion may take creativity and might cause you to alter what you envision your life to be. Be flexible, trust your gut and be happy.

Cambridge, MD
Photo by J. Kriston

I do my best to teach by example. I know we butt heads from time to time, but that is the greatest thing about our mother-daughter relationship. No matter how much we infuriate each other, I will always love you. You can count on me.