I Won’t Feel Less Than Anymore

By Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

Not long ago, a friend invited me out for a drink. After thirty minutes, I walked out on him. In the past my leaving would have caused me to become awash in guilt and regrets. Instead, I felt really good about myself.

It has taken up until this point in my life, well past the midterm of my forties, to realize that I don’t have to put up with people’s nonsense. Life is too precious to spend time with those who make me feel less than.

You know what I mean, those people who make you feel less than happy, less than smart, less than appreciated, less than loved. Those people who you spend time with because you were expected too, or worse, because you were too polite to avoid them.

Others freely accuse me of being unfiltered (doesn’t that make them unfiltered?) or blunt. The truth is, I hold my tongue more often than not. The result, I have spent my life feeling less than because I felt obligated to tolerate others who don’t raise me up, who don’t like me for me.

8 Ways to Not Feel Less Than

1. Tell people when they have hurt or offended you

2. Be true to yourself

3. Be proud of who you are

4. Be kind and open

5. Demand respect and honesty from others

6. Don’t keep toxic people in your life

7. Don’t engage with intolerant people

8. When a witty, intelligent retort is not available, flip the bird

Perhaps it was my Catholic school upbringing which taught me to be courteous and kind to others no- matter-what. At the age I am now, I recognize that I’m tired of it, fed up, done. Catholic guilt be damned! I’m taking charge.

Now, I feel like the stereotypical old person who is regarded as a curmudgeon. I am not a curmudgeon! I am just not going to put up with crap. I have better things to do, like take a nap or paddle my kayak, than hangout with folks who are rude or unkind or unsupportive. I welcome all words and ideas born from love and respect, otherwise I’m out. 

That old friend I left in the bar with his half-finished beer and his ridicule laced smirk, he did not speak to me with love or respect, so I’m done with him.

Over the years I have weeded people from my life. Ending friendships as an adult is a risky thing. Finding new friends in my forties has not been easy. The awesome thing is that now that I am my authentic self, people who have been in my life for years have become friends. Most importantly, I have met and welcomed new women into my life. These women have proven to be amazing and kind and genuine.

Unkind people have flitted in and out of my life. I recall many, many years ago when my husband and I had planned a big night out to celebrate an anniversary. I splurged on a new faux suede skirt and a silk blouse. I felt pretty, not princess pretty, but pretty enough.  I was excited about our splurge dinner in the big city. We arrived at the restaurant. The tuxedoed maître d seated us in a beautiful booth in the ornate dining room. After admiring the marble and gold details, I excused myself to use the restroom.

There were several women primping and preening in the mirror. It was obvious that they were older and wealthier than I. One older woman looked me up from top to bottom in an obvious display of disgust. I was not aware of how I offended her until she spoke. With no kindness in her eyes or tone she snapped, “Don’t worry honey I own a skirt that doesn’t fit me too.” With that, she strutted out leaving the door to slam behind her. I stood stunned trying to decipher her words. It took a moment before the insult sunk in.

I am no different than most as it takes a few minutes to conjure up the wittiest and/or most searing retort on the planet. If we could just push a pause button when put in a situation where a clever comeback is needed, we would be able to express ourselves with eloquence and intelligence. We would be able to leave bad situations with our heads held high and pride oozing from every pore. Dignity would be restored, our self-images would bloom. We would be able to sleep soundly knowing we put that fool in his or her place. 

Of course, the person we need to deliver our comeback to is long gone by the time we formulate our Pulitzer prize winning response. Let’s face it, calling friends and family to tell them what I should have said really lacks the drama and release I seek.

If that skirt snub happened today, I am certain I would simply call that snooty, judgy, rude women an asshole and tell her to shut-it. Sometimes brevity and directness is the best weapon. But I do wish I had the dressing down skills of Julia Sugarbaker from Designing Women.

My new sassy attitude manifests itself in other ways. The other day my impatience for rude people shown through in a flash point of anger. In retrospect, I really ended up being the asshole by putting myself and others at risk, but it sure felt good. In my defense, the other person was ruder. I approached from behind a car stopped at a red light in the left-hand tunr lane. Just as I began to get close enough to slow for the stop, the light switched to green. I continued to slow as the car did not move. It became clear she was not moving with exception of her fingers which were furiously texting rendering her oblivious to the new status of the traffic light.

Rather than pressing the break to come to a complete stop or compressing the horn pad on my steering wheel to let out a gently "hey you, move" signal, I applied pressure to the accelerator and swerved around the car making a left turn in front of her. It was exhilarating and stupid. She was startled back to reality as I completed my turn and turned left after I cleared the intersection. I decided, in that moment, that she was not worth the energy it would take to beep or my time that I would have to forfeit if I stopped and waited for her to proceed. Rude people should not impede my forward progress in this world.

If someone cuts in front of me in line or crashes into me without apology, I snarkily ask them, "Was I in your way?” No silent seething or muttering under my breath for me. Just full-on irritation. If a couple walking toward me on a narrow sidewalk won’t form a single file to pass, I stop in my place and make them walk around me or crash into me, their choice. Have some manners people!

http://www.pennlive.com/midstate/index.ssf/2012/08/rules_of_the_road_theres_littl.html

My newest mission is to use the merge point in construction zones as they were intended. All cars should stay in their lane up until the merge point. At the merge point, cars alternate turns into the open lane. Stacking up in a single lane a mile before the merge point actually slows down traffic. Those of us who stay in and use the Zipper lane are doing the right thing. Those of you who curse and rage at the car that speeds past you as you wait your turn, are in the wrong. Those of you who refuse to allow the mergers in are doing the wrong thing. I used to be one of you. I used to wait for twenty minutes while asshole drivers sped past and forced their way into the open lane of traffic. Now I am one of those “assholes” and I can live with myself because that is how it is supposed to be done!

Drivers unite. Merge at the merge point. Make construction traffic better!

My forties have enabled me to just not care so much about what others think. That not caring has freed me from the chains of trying too hard to please. Even though I feel freer to speak my mind, I also recognize when it is wise just to hold my tongue. I make fewer faux pas statements because I am not so needy and eager to join-in and be accepted. I also have learned that I can’t change people. I opt to not engage in conversations with or respond to intolerant people. I walk away and live my life with dignity and respect for myself. Even if that means I flip the bird more than I ever have. Give it a try, I highly recommend it

I can’t wait for my fifties and sixties! What fresh hell will I raise then?