Never Say Never: The Things Only a Mom Would Do

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

Motherhood has plunged me into the heretofore unknown. I have found myself doing things I pledged emphatically, I will never do that!

“Never say never” is sound advice.

Being responsible for the care, safety, and overall well-being of two little humans has caused me to face fears and phobias I never planned on tackling in my lifetime. I was fairly content with my inability and unwillingness to experience many things. I happily sat idly by while others rode roller coasters trusting me to hold their sunglasses and fanny packs. I never missed the thrill brought on by swooshing down the slopes of the snowy mountain ranges of the world choosing instead to read a book, fireside while sipping a hot totty. I relished eating Velveeta and wonder bread while others forced dark green veggies down their gullets pretending it tasted even more delicious then my gravy doused pot roast and potatoes. I never felt deprived or left out. I never longed for the chance to just do it  it once.

Kids forced me to put my life into perspective. Like all mothers, I longed for my kids to be happy, to grow up and be better than me. I wished for my kids to have fun life experiences not held down by my irrational fears. I yearned for my kids to embrace a healthy way of living. I imagined my kids would admire me, leaning on me for strength and guidance. None of that seemed possible if we ate donuts for breakfast staying home in the relative safety of our house while I called the exterminator to squash the spider hanging out in the tub. I needed to step-up and push myself out of my comfort zone!

Eleven Things I Thought I’d Never Do

1. Plunge a toilet: To be fair, I never had to before kids. They seem to think a roll of toilet paper is needed for every trip to the commode.
2. Ride a ski lift: This took years for me to tackle. I wish I could say the trip down the mountain was a fair reward for my sweat filled, sob choked terror on the ride up.
3. Kill a gazillion legger: These nasty bugs scurry from damp corners of the bathroom at such high rates of speed I often only catch a fleeting glimpse as they disappear into the shower drain. The few times I was able to smack one with a shoe, it flopped and flailed for an inordinately long time even though it’s blood and guts were smeared on the floor. Since then, I may have feigned deafness when my kids release the unmistakable a scream only one of those prehistoric monsters can elicit. 
4. Beg for money: My most recent step out of my comfort zone involved me starting a Go Fund Me page for my daughter to attend a summit on the environment this summer. I spent much time convincing myself it’s just what people do. But still, I can’t shake a funny feeling that I have crossed a strange line. No matter, she is worth me putting aside my weirdness and taking the plunge (no toilet humor intended)
5. Clean-up the toxic body fluids of another human being: No discussion necessary except: I still wonder how an infant’s BM travels up the entirety of her back and into her hair. Perhaps we really need to examine this gravity thing further.
6. Sit at a sporting event for 8 hours, in the rain and cold: I always silently mocked and mourned for those sports parents who spend weekends and evenings eating walking tacos and sitting on the cold aluminum of bleachers for hours on end. Now I race to get there to watch my girl run. I even drive six hours for a sixty second race.
7. Switch from Mrs. Butterworth's to maple syrup: Real Maple syrup has always been one of my least favorite gag-inducing foods. Wanting to eliminate high fructose corn syrup from my kid’s diet, I made the switch. Ten years later and I’m still not loving it. I just eat fewer pancakes.
8. Eat kale, quinoa, and cauliflower couscous: I never even knew these foods existed. Now they are a regular part of my diet and therefore my daughters and husband must eat them too. Let’s just say, when the weather threatens a bad storm we don’t run out for quinoa, kale and cauliflower. We still stock-up on real comfort foods like mac and cheese, pizza, and chips.
9. Get a cat: I have never been a cat person. Dogs are my preferred pet. However, when an adorable three-year-old puts her hands on your cheeks and gazes into your eyes as little tears well-up in her bright blue ones and she sweetly asks, “Can we get a cat mama,” you drive immediately to the animal rescue place and get that kid a cat. Remember that a cat lives for 13 years or more, just saying.
10. Wear a sun hat and sunscreen: Wanting to model healthy behavior, I walk daily, eat 5-8 fruits and veggies a day, and avoid the sun. When once I would slather myself in baby oil and sunbathe for hours at a time, I now don a floppy hat and SPF 30 as I lounge in patches of shade not sun-soaked beaches.
11. Go voluntarily to an amusement park: I have never enjoyed the amusement park experience. The smell of fried foods combined with the heat and endless standing in lines repulses me. I believe a day in a medieval torture chamber would be preferable. The handful of rides that I could tolerate due to my fear of heights and my proclivity to get nauseous even on elevator rides have lessened as I aged. Now my bad back makes my ride choices even fewer. In the past, found myself going because others wanted me to, like my mother and sister. Now I go for my kids. I continue to pay outrages ticket fees to be the bench warmer and bag holder for hours on end.

All of these forays into my discomfort zones have taught me a lot about myself. I am not as selfish or self-center as I once thought. I do have the capacity for bravery. I do know the intense and all-encompassing love of a mother.

Nevertheless, I can’t wait until they grow-up so I can revert to my normal self and eat Velveeta and shells while standing on the toilet seat screaming for some brave soul to kill the spider in the tub. (Don’t ask why I am eating pasta on the toilet).