Adoption Myth IX: Waiting is the Hardest Part

By Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

Standing before the curved glass counter staring at all 31 flavors of colorful deliciousness, choosing just one seemed an impossible, torturous task. Not choosing would mean leaving

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empty handed, and that was not an option. I wanted, no needed, to have a cone of ice cream. For this to happen I had to trust that no matter which one I chose, I would be immensely happy.

“I’ll take the mint chip please.” “Sugar cone or cake cone?” Just when I thought my choosing was done, the clerk threw me a curve ball. 

Waiting for her to scrape the brown speckled, neon green, frozen treat into the scooper and then press the lever to release it onto my cake cone was not nearly as hard as the choosing. Though the waiting was hard, I knew my delicious reward was on the way.

In a previous blog, I wrote about the value of teaching young children to make choices, how it will serve them throughout their lives if they learn that each choice has an outcome, good or bad. As we get older and choices get more complex, we have to rely on faith and instinct to guide our choices. We have to believe in ourselves. We have to do a bit of research by asking and reading. We have to learn to listen to our hearts and trust, that when it is all said and done, we will choose what is best for us.

The process of adoption requires many leaps of faith. We are asked to make choices and decisions that feel uncomfortable, unnatural, strange, and utterly confusing. We have to step outside of the predictable and learn to trust strangers. We have to learn to lean on the people we love most and people we just met. We have to open our hearts and minds to comprehend the process.

3 Hard Choices of Adoption

After adopting our first child, I met and guided other couples through the process as best I could. I was lucky enough to learn the stories of other families' journeys. To illustrate some of the hard choices of adoption, I will contrast my experience with another mother's.

1. Ending Fertility Treatments 

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My story: Knowing my husband and I were infertile was not a huge surprise. Taking on fertility treatments was an investment we enlisted without truly understanding all the costs: emotional, financial, physical, and interpersonal. Though we always asked ourselves “should this be the last treatment,” we knew it was time to stop after being hospitalized due to a medical error.

Her story: Infertility for her was a surprise. She wanted to have a baby more than anybody I have known. She understood and accepted most of the costs. She never gave-up, but she did explore adoption when things looked their bleakest

2. Type of Adoption to Choose

My story: Financially we were restricted, but we explored all options. We started on the path of private domestic adoptions. We were open to older children. We were led by circumstances and, I believe, by destiny to foster-adoption. It was an easy choice

Her story: She was financially more flexible. She wanted a healthy infant. She feared the potential of babies in the foster-adopt system to have special needs. She chose domestic private adoption to allow her more say in the overall health of the child and birth mother.

3. Saying "Yes" or "No" to a Match

My story: When presented with our first match we did not hesitiate. Even before reading her case notes, I knew we would bring her home. She was a healthy baby that needed a home and we were healthy parents who needed a child. When presented with our second match our pediatrician cautioned us to think carefully about saying "yes" due to the child’s parental history of mental health issues, we said yes despite the concerns others had.

Her story: When presented with her first match, she apprehensions due to  the history of the birth mother.  After much soul searching, she declined the match deciding to wait for a match that felt right.

The Results

My story ended with two beautiful, healthy, smart, energetic, and funny girls who challenge and amaze me everyday. Though I was matched with a third child, we declined as we felt we had all the children we needed. Our hearts and lives were full.

Her story ended with a pregnancy that brought her a gorgeous, healthy, sweet, boy and her own unexpected severe health issues that made future pregnancies impossible. She never turned back to adoption to grow her family. Adoption proved to not be a good fit for her and her husband.

Each story has similarities and each story ended differently, but both resulted with a family. Each of us trusted our hearts and minds and made our choices for different reasons because we are different people. No two stories will ever be the same. The only true constant is that making the choices is always hard. Learning to trust yourself is essential.

Even though the famous Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers song claims The Waiting is the hardest part, I wholeheartedly disagree (at least when it comes to adoption).

Other Hard Choices (click the links for more info)

1. Deciding on open vs closed adoption
2. Picking a name
3. How and when you will tell your child she is adopted

Food for Thought

Though creating a family through adoption is not the same as choosing an ice cream flavor, I cannot help but use food imagery to describe my love for my family. Both nourish me. I am passionate about them, almost equally. I make this point in a previous post. Click the link below for more:

http://mybrunettelifeasaredhead.blogspot.com/2016/09/food-and-family-my-two-great-loves.html