Flip Flop Flee from your Flimsy Footwear: Why Thonged Sandals Should be Avoided

By: Elizabeth Redhead Kriston

The only thing flip flops are good for, decoration.

This is a public service announcement

Within the colorfully illustrated beloved children’s book, Chicka Chicka Boom Boom, lie warnings about flip flops:

Skit skat skoodle doot. Flip Flop flee
Everybody's running to the coconut tree.
Mamas and papas and uncles and aunts
hug their little dears and dust their pants.
“Help us up,” cried A B C.
Next from the pileup skinned-knee D
and stubbed toe E
and patched up F.
Then comes G all out of breath.
H is tangled up with I.
J and K are about to cry.
L is knotted like a tie.
M is looped.
N is stooped.
O is twisted alley-oop
Skit skat skoodle doot. Flip Flop flee
Look who’s coming! It’s black eyed P, Q R S, and loose tooth T.
Then U V W wiggle jiggle free.

One could argue that this story foretold the chaos and mass injuries caused by flip flops. Why haven’t we heeded authors Bill Martin Jr. and John Archambault's warnings? If we had, so many senseless injuries could’ve been avoided!

Thankfully for you, I’m here to help you break your dependency on that ubiquitous summer footwear item. I know they’re easy to wear. I get it, they’re inexpensive. I see all the cute styles and colors. So much about them is irresistible, but resist is what we must do!

If you like fungus on your feet, flip flops are the shoes for you.

If you like blisters and plantar fasciitis, flip flops are the shoes for you.

If you like broken or achy toes and ankles, flips are the shoes for you.

If you like to trip and fall, flip-flops are the shoes for you.

If you like to show people your skanky toenails and callused feet, flip flops are the shoes for you.

Yes, I own and wear flip flops, that is why I can speak so freely on this topic. I don my flip flops less frequently than many of my peers, neighbors, and family members

The Reasons I have Avoided Flip Flops

1. I am clumsy. Even my Sanku yoga matt sandals with the back strap cause me to trip up the steps and walk with a shortened and awkward stride.

2.  My bad back flares up each time I wear flip flops no matter how briefly.

3.  They make my legs ache and probably contributed to my varicose veins.

4.  My feet are not always in the best shape. I care about you too much to show you my dried-up gross tootsies. Please feel free to reciprocate this kindness.

5.  My tootsies are usually cold and I need more coverage for warmth.

For those of you who just can’t part from your flip flops, I worry deeply about your health and wellbeing. I worry about your safety and the safety of those around you. I urge you to consider parting with your flimsy footwear for your sake and the sake of the community.

"Flip Flops Cause 200,000 Injuries Annually"

According to a 2010 article in the Daily Mail, in the UK flip flops cause 200,000 injuries annually costing taxpayers 40 million of whatever form of money they use over there. Euros? With the US having an exponentially larger population it must cost us 400 million Euros. I mean dollars. 

To help you make an informed decision about your choice of footwear I have compiled a list of scenarios where wearing flip flops would be the most treacherous and imprudent.

Avoid Flip Flops When

Driving: These backless slivers of foam can easily slip off of your feet and jam under the gas pedal causing you to wreck into oblivious pedestrians who cannot run fast enough away from your careening, out of control vehicle because they too are wearing flip flops.

Hiking: While entertaining for onlookers, trying to traverse rocky, mountainous, slippery slopes wearing flip flops is extremely risky. Yes, even if your backless shoe looks rugged, made by companies known for hiking shoes, don’t fall into their evil trap or you may find yourself falling over a cliff.

Riding a bike: Trying to grasp the flip flop with your toes while pedaling may look easy enough, but I promise you this is a difficult task and a skill that most haven’t and never will perfect.

Walking on the beach: Seriously, has anyone ever been able to walk across scorching hot, dry sand in flip flops with any grace or success? Kicking sand up into the faces of snoozing sunbathers as your thonged shoes slap against your scorched heels and then stopping every few seconds to readjust your “shoe” is annoying on so many levels.

In the snow: If I have to explain this you are a lost cause and I bid you good health and future common sense.

You have a bad back: This type of footwear notoriously lacks arch support. The toe-curling grip and forced shortened stride don’t help either. If you don’t already have an aching back, you will.

Working: If you work in an office, wait tables, clean houses, drive trucks, deliver packages, paint houses, teach school, attend to patients, pretty much any job you can think of aside from poolside lifeguard, do not wear flip flops!

You are in school: This applies to any large group situation where walking amongst throngs of unaware folks and navigating steps is involved. My kids have never been allowed to were these ridiculous things to school and never will be. People inadvertently and intentionally step on the backs to make you trip. Falling up and down steps as you scurry between classes while balancing books, instruments and odd sized and shaped projects is just asking for a face plant. Nobody’s self-esteem is strong enough to brush off that kind of embarrassment.

Playing sports: Unless the sport is, see how far you can run in flip-flops without falling or breaking something, this is just solid advice.

Cutting grass: Unless this is the only way your disgusting toenails get trimmed.

You haven’t had a pedicure since last summer: I think no explanation should be needed. Message me if I need to explain.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1298471/Flip-flops-injure-200-000-year-costing-NHS-astonishing-40m.html

The Few Times When Wearing Flip Flops Makes Sense

 **I offer these with hesitation

Immediately after a pedicure: When your feet are clean and your nails are not yellow and curled under for lack of trimming. Just until the polish dries

In a public shower: This is the best way to protect your feet from the foot fungus of strangers. Remember, a) the “shoe” will absorb the filth and pass it on later, and b) wet flip-flops are slippery.

Around the pool: Actually, just when you are using the restroom. Walk don’t run. Thank you for not peeing in the pool.

They have a backstrap: Even this is not a failsafe solution

There are numerous options for a safer slip-on shoe. Do yourself a favor. Do the world a favor. Consider your options.